Page 33

p.s. as my dick’s legal representative, I’d like to apologize on its behalf for its behavior yesterday morning. It’s been a while since it’s met someone who’s piqued its interest and it got carried away.
Wednesday morning was the same as Tuesday.
Despite the fact that Damien showed up again last night—this time with a bottle of Bullet, a deck of cards, and a box of take out from the only restaurant in town—I woke up even earlier than the morning before, determined to catch Kait before she left.
I shouldn’t have bothered—the house was just as empty then as it was the morning before. All that waited for me was a fully loaded dishwasher, fresh coffee, and a plate of blueberry muffins on top of the notebook.
Pushing the muffins aside with barely a glance, I flip the notebook open.
James –
Please tell your dick that I accept its apology and that I’m flattered to know that I’ve piqued its interest, although, if the photographs on the couch are any indication, I find it hard to believe that it’s been as long as it claims.
Regardless of its behavior, neither you or your dick bothered me. Oddly enough, I enjoyed talking with you—almost as much as I wanted to punch you in the face. I just don’t need a place to study anymore so there’s really no reason for me to stay.
Kait
p.s. the blueberries in the muffins grow on the other side of the lake. the bears love eating them almost as much as they love eating dumb city boys who fall asleep on front porches.
I’ve read and re-read her note about a million times and am on my fourth muffin and second cup of coffee when I finally decide to write back.
Sunshine –
My dick might be a hedonistic asshole but it’s probably one of the most honest dicks you’ll ever meet. Furthermore, it would like me to tell you that it takes serious umbrage at being called a liar. We’ve liked you from the second we saw you and despite the fact that you want to punch me in the face, we’re both pretty sure you like us back.
As for the pictures on the couch—
1) they’re still not photographs. Take a closer look, and
2) they’re of my sisters. I don’t usually draw people I don’t care about. It’s a waste of time and paper.
I’ve decided I don’t like this pen pal bullshit after all. I want to see you and I want you to stop cleaning up after me. I don’t like it.
Halfway tempted to rip the page out of the notebook and flush it down the toilet, I go for broke and drop another p.s.
p.s. why don’t you need a place to study anymore? what happened?
Even though my brain is telling me to set the entire notebook on fire and forget about her because this is not why I’m here and getting tangled up in this woman and her problems is the last thing I need, I slap it closed and leave it where it is while I take the rest of my muffins and coffee to enjoy my breakfast on the porch.
Thursday morning it was lemon bars.
James –
Hedonistic? Furthermore? Umbrage?
Your dick has an impressive vocabulary—its mother must be proud.
It wasn’t my intention to call either of you a liar. Now I guess it’s my turn to apologize. Please let your dick know that I’m sorry and I didn’t mean to hurt its feelings or suggest that it is anything more than a fine, upstanding dick. (see what I did there?)
Again, I’m flattered to know that it finds me interesting… but I’m afraid my feelings are a bit more ambivalent.
I took a closer look at your work like you suggested. It’s remarkable. Your attention to detail is mind-blowing. It must take you months to finish a single picture... makes me wonder why you’d even consider wasting the “time and paper” on drawing me. I guess boredom does weird things to people.
To answer your question, nothing happened. My circumstances have changed and I no longer plan on continuing school—that’s it. As much as I’d like to sit around and wait for you to wake up, I have a long list of daily chores that I need to get to so, while scrubbing your toilet might be on my to-do list, unfortunately for both of us, entertaining you isn’t. If you’re bored, there’s more than a few books in the upstairs study. I trust you know how to read.
Kait
p.s. enjoy the lemon bars.