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This is how Tyler and I began. Secretive, undecided, and unbearable for me to end.

TYLER AND Ibegan just before school let out for me during my freshman year of college. Something that was easily dismissed as two people having fun. We continued to hook up on occasions but summer was where it really took off for us. I was in his bed nearly every night and damn it, I broke the rules.

Now here I am, leaving for college tomorrow and it’s killing me not knowing what’s going to happen when I’m not here with him. Will he find someone else to fill the void?

That can’t happen. It won’t happen. It’s not that I’m going back to school and need clarification on our relationship, it’s that I want it. I was with him for months, in his bed, his D in my V and I deserved some kind of definition, right?

The morning before I leave, I’m waking up in Tyler’s bed and it isn’t something I experience often. Usually I’m gone by morning. Today though, I lie here and watch him sleep, knowing things are changing. He’s asleep on his back, one arm slung over his face, the other on his stomach.

My gaze drifts to his hands. I’m addicted to them in every way. I love hands in general. They can provide so much for you, strength, security, and affection… safety. Looking at Tyler’s hands, you can tell a lot about him. Hard working, rough, grease under his nails that will never come out, cuts and scrapes from knocking his knuckles against engine parts. They’re the hands of a mechanic, a real man.

Staring at them, running my fingers gently over the scar on his left hand where he cut it open on an engine two weeks ago, I think about how many times over the last six months these hands have pulled me in, cupped my cheek, ran his thumb over my lip and caressed my curves.

I definitely don’t want this to end.

We made rules. We did. Did we follow them? I can honestly say looking at him, Tyler did.

We had a few of them. Most friends with benefits did.

One. Red couldn’t find out. The last thing either of us wanted was for him to know his best friend was pile driving his sister at 3:00 a.m. most mornings.

Two. And this had a lot to do with number one. No flirting in public.

Three. Don’t get attached. Tyler specifically said, no falling in love with me. I laughed in his face at that one but it’s proven to be the hardest one yet.

And there you have it. Simple right?

Nope. Not even close. I’m a fucking girl. Telling us not to fall in love is like provoking us to fall in love.

“If I ask you something, will you be honest with me?” I ask when he’s awake an hour later.

His body tenses and he nods, probably wondering where the fuck I’m going with this.

“Do you think we should stop?” My voice is plagued with fear as I await his words, his potential rejection.

His eyes cut to mine, a sideways glance. He’s silent, but I can feel his resistance like a prick on my chest. My question throws him for a loop. He just sits there blinking, considering me for several silent moments. Does he think I want to go away this fall and not know where we stand?

He sighs heavily and sits up against the headboard.

Am I an idiot to think it’ll work out?

Probably.

And then I am left with where I am now. Staring at Tyler wondering how the hell I let myself get caught up in something a big part of me knew could only lead to heartache.

I mean, as much as I never want to admit this next part, you can never truly start out as fuck buddies. I’ve seen enough romantic comedies to know it never works out in the end for the girl. It’s because our girly hormones get involved from the start and we think we can make them feel something more than sex.

“How does this end, Tyler?”

His brow raises, as if he doesn’t understand what I’m asking, or maybe why. “What do you mean?” There’s emptiness in his voice, the hesitation so obviously written on his face, answers the question for me.

“How did you see this ending? Because it’s pretty obvious I’m going to get hurt.”

“Don’t say that.” He scrubs his hands down his face, blowing out a long breath. “We both knew what this was.”

It’s not like what he is saying isn’t true. I mean, it wasn’t like we didn’t discuss what we were getting into. Hell, he even told me not to fall in love with him, but still. “Yeah, I did.” I sit with my legs folded under me to look at him. “But I’m also a girl and our emotions and feelings sometimes take on a life of their own. In the end, every girl hopes for more.”

“Well, fuck.” He throws his arms up in frustration, moving to stand beside the bed. “How the hell am I supposed to know that? I’m not a damn mind reader. Just tell me what you want from me!”