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“We have to go. It’s time,” she told him, dragging him toward the door of the train again. “I just need you to hold on for a little longer.”

Just a little longer. But Harte wasn’t sure that he could. The pain of Seshat’s power churned within him. The agony of what she was doing inside his skin. She was raging about Thoth. Screaming with a voice that could shatter his sanity.

Oh god, it’s too much. He couldn’t hold on. Needed it to end. Because this power, the immenseness of all that Seshat was and all that she could do wasn’t something he could live through much longer.

He had to protect Esta. He had to keep her safe from the terror beneath his skin.

They were on the platform at the back of the train car now, but the wind whipping at his hair was nothing compared to Seshat’s fury, and the darkness of the tunnel was nothing compared to the living, terrifying darkness roiling inside him. The walls of the tunnel slid past at a dizzying speed, and he understood what he had to do. He saw how easily he could end everything. The train was certainly going fast enough, and Esta wouldn’t be able to stop him—she knew that she couldn’t touch him while Seshat writhed beneath his skin.

Esta was still talking, but Harte could not understand what she was saying. He was too focused on keeping Seshat back. Too focused on the agony of feeling the goddess raging within him. She could not be allowed to touch Esta. He would keep Esta safe. If he could do nothing else, he’d keep Seshat from destroying her. And from destroying the world.

Esta was holding on to the metal railing, unhooking the metal chains that kept people safely on the platform at the end of the car. Then she turned back to him, and he saw the fear in her expression and knew what she must see in his own.

“Harte,” she said, her voice coming to him from a distance. It felt as though he were locked tight in a watery box, with the noise of the audience far off. “It’s going to be okay. You can do this.”

She understands. The relief was almost enough to break Seshat’s hold on him.

He’d been fighting for so long because he couldn’t bear to leave Esta, but now the time had come. He saw it in her eyes, that she knew what had to happen, what needed to be done. He moved toward the edge of the platform as Seshat raged more violently. He wouldn’t have thought that was possible, but he should have known better. Every time he thought he understood what she was capable of, the ancient power surprised him with still more.

His hands curled on the railing, wishing there were some other answer. But there wasn’t. Even Esta understood that now.

The air around him felt warmer than it should have somehow, thicker too, like the dust and mold and smoke from the ages of trains passing through had lingered on.

Esta was talking again, and Harte watched her mouth move without hearing her. He wanted to kiss her just once more, but that was impossible—far too much a risk when Seshat was so close to the surface now. But while Harte couldn’t make out what she was saying, he understood. This was the end.

He held up a hand, wishing he could touch her. With the goddess railing inside him, it took every ounce of his strength to force out the words he needed her to hear. “You… are not negotiable. Never have been.” He grimaced against the power thrashing inside him. “Not for me.”

Her eyes went wide, and the sudden terror there surprised him, but only distantly. Even as he backed away from her, she was trying to tell him something, her mouth moving excitedly and her eyes bright with fear.

“It’s okay,” he said, taking another step toward the edge of the small platform on the rear of the car. “I’ll be okay.”

“No!” He didn’t need to hear her voice to know what she was saying, but he was already turning, already preparing himself, even as Seshat roared and wailed.

He closed his eyes, wishing he were braver, wishing he could go to his death without so many regrets. He took one last deep breath, hating that it reeked of the filth in the tunnel, and then he released his hold on the train rail and fell.

NOT EVER AGAIN

1983—Under the City

As the train screamed around the bend in the tunnel, Esta held on to the cold metal railing at the back of the car and promised herself that if they made it through the next few minutes, she would kill Harte Darrigan herself.

It was clear Harte wasn’t listening to her. He was standing next to her on the edge of the train car’s back platform, but his eyes were an inky black. His features were twisted in pain and fear, and his expression looked haunted… and determined. She understood exactly what he was preparing to do, and she wasn’t about to let him. He’d promised that he would give up the idea of destroying himself to save her. He’d promised that they were in this together. And now she was going to make sure he kept that promise.

Just as the idiot released his hold on the railing, Esta slammed into him, pulling them both off the car and hoping it was enough momentum to get them across the gap. Because she had a hold on Harte, she couldn’t stop herself from landing hard on the unforgiving concrete of the abandoned station’s platform. Pain lanced through her arm where the skin was still tender and mangled beneath the bandage, but she ignored it and used all her strength to twist, rolling them both back from the edge as the train picked up speed to round the curve and exit the station. They weren’t even touching skin to skin, but Esta could practically feel Seshat’s power lancing through their brief connection. She moved quickly enough that it wasn’t much more than a brush of darkness in her vision and sizzling heat across her skin.

Once she’d put some distance between them, Esta let herself lie there on the cold cement as she tried to catch her breath. Her arm was throbbing from holding on to Harte and from landing so hard, and her pulse felt erratic from the adrenaline still jangling through her. But at least they were safe. Silence surrounded them in the emptiness of the station. No red police lights flashed. No sirens screamed. No one seemed to have seen or followed them.

Above, nearly pristine green and gold tiles lined the vaulted ceilings of the old City Hall station, framing the dark glass of large, snow-covered skylights. The station was dark except for the eerie yellowish glow of emergency lamps that revealed the pedestrian exit.

Harte groaned nearby, and Esta turned her head to see him curled up on the ground a few feet away from her. She pushed herself upright, ignoring the aching in her arm as she listened to the last sounds of the train they’d just been on moving off into the distance on its northward route along the 6 line.

He moaned again, and Esta scooted closer to look at him. She wanted to touch him, to help him in some way, but she knew exactly how dangerous that would be. She let out an unsteady breath as she inched closer. You are nonnegotiable. The second Harte had given her those words, she’d understood what he was about to do. If the train hadn’t reached the platform when it did, he would have jumped. He would have already been gone.

“You’re a complete idiot, you know that?” she said softly, hating the way her voice hitched around the words. She didn’t really mean it. She understood why he would have thrown himself from the subway car. Wouldn’t she have done the same to keep the world safe? To keep him safe?

But she wasn’t even sure that Harte could hear her. His eyes opened, wide and unseeing, but he didn’t look in her direction. His gray irises had turned completely black, and the inky darkness was spreading to the whites as well. He grimaced, his face contorting, and she understood that he was still fighting Seshat.

Esta was going to make sure he won.