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‘You know, Cade,’ Corrigan began as he shouldered aside Aradeus and Galass in the cramped cabin, ‘I really hope that one day I get to screw you over as badly as you’ve screwed me lately.’

Mister Bones was sitting on the bed, snarling at the angelic as she grew calico-coloured fur on her body and sprouted a wagging tail. Strangely, thatwasn’tthe most distracting thing going at that precise moment. I turned to Corrigan, averting my eyes from his lower half. ‘Maybe do up your trousers before you talk about screwing?’

He’d arrived shirtless, the great mop of curly indigo hair covering his torso soaked in the sweat of his apparently relentless efforts to satisfy the appetites of the new love of his life. His striped velvet pantaloons were hanging halfway off his arse and doing an even poorer job of protecting his modesty at the front.

He made an elaborate hand gesture below his waist. ‘I feel it’s only appropriate that you be reminded both of what you just took me away fromandmy lordly magnificence.’

I ignored the pouting brute and turned to Aradeus. ‘What’s the tactical situation?’

‘Not good.’ The rat mage was unsettlingly downcast for someone I’d only ever seen brimming with optimism. ‘There’s one staircase to the upper decks. They’ll know exactly which way we’re coming, so they can set any number of spell-traps for us without having to risk their own necks.’ He rapped his knuckles on the oak-panelled wall of the cabin. ‘We’re below the waterline here, so if we breach the hull, we’ll have a hellish time trying to swim out– not to mention making ourselves even more vulnerable to enemy spells.’

‘I’m assuming that’s the good news?’ I asked.

Aradeus looked grim. ‘While Corrigan’s Tempestoral haze was distracting the crew on the top deck, I witnessed one of the major domo’s wonderists trying to defend him from the justiciars. The female one– a stunning beauty, I must say– was apparently offended that the major domo had granted you access to this cabin. She lit up the wonderist protecting him with an Auroral remonstration until his internal organs oozed out of his bodily orifices.’

‘Isn’t that good?’ Galass asked. ‘If the justiciars start fighting the enemy wonderists, can’t w—?’

‘Forgive my uncouth interruption, fair Galass,’ Aradeus said, unable to stop himself from bowing elaborately and thus defeating the purpose of interrupting her in the first place. ‘The justiciar’s partner– Dignity, I understand– is demanding that command over the six remaining wonderists be ceded to him. He wants to put them all under an Auroral recruitment spell, binding them to his authority. I fear the major domo is about to agree.’

Corrigan guffawed in that way that generally means gruesome death is waiting for you right around the corner and you don’t want anyone to know you’re about to shit your striped velvet pantaloons. ‘Those justiciars must really have a hard-on for you, Cade,’ he declared, then stared down at himself. ‘Oh, look. I do, too.’

Sometimes the wholewe’re about to die so let’s make jokes in case anyone’s writing all this down for posteritything really annoys me.

‘You do realise those justiciars are going to ripyoulimb from limb right alongside me, don’t you, Corrigan? You and your— Well,since we’re likely doomed, it’s past time someone told you the truth and it might as well be your only friend: it’s a very mediocre cock.’

‘Nowthathurts,’ he grumbled. At least he finally yanked up his pantaloons and buckled his belt. ‘On the other hand’– he gave that same amiable grin I’d seen right before his Tempestoral spells had torn an ox-sized hole through a twelve-foot-thick castle wall– ‘if I were to turn you over to the justiciars myself, I suspect they’d be lenient on meandmy not-in-the-least-bit-mediocre cock.’

You know you’re in real trouble when the voice of reason turns out to be a teenage blood mage who’s never more than one glass of sour wine away from a bender that would exsanguinate half the continent.

‘This is getting usnowhere!’ Galass shouted, shoving me back so she could take up position between me and Corrigan. ‘Are you both complete fools, or do you just act like it to mask your lack of any coherent plan to get us out of here alive?’

‘A little of both,’ I mumbled.

‘Oh,I’vegot a plan,’ Corrigan said. ‘Those justiciars want the angelic and Cade, not me or Aradeus. You, they’ll torture and kill on principle, what with you being a blood mage– sorry about that, lass. Rough business and all.’ He reached over the foot of the bed to scratch the still-snarling Mister Bones around one pointy ear. ‘I promise to take care of your dog, though.’

‘Jackal,’ I corrected.

‘Oh, you really are a pair of idiots, aren’t you?’ Galass asked. She pointed a finger at the angelic, who was still trying to find a form and colour that would convince Mister Bones to stop growling at her. ‘The only way the justiciars are getting to her’– Galass’ accusing forefinger swung to the rat mage– ‘is to get through Aradeus, who, in case you haven’t noticed, is both smitten with her and incapable of abandoning her.’

‘This is true,’ Aradeus confirmed. ‘My honour– nay, my very humanity– would not al—’

‘Shut up,’ Galass said firmly, spinning towards me. Apparently, it was my turn. ‘You’re supposed to be the smart one– the conniver. The manipulator. The—’

‘They get it.’

‘—schemer who keeps secrets even from his friends so that he’ll never walk into trouble without a trick up his sleeve when the time comes. Well, the time has come, Cade. What’s your plan?’

When I stepped back from the onslaught of her fury and collided with the wooden wall of the cramped cabin, I felt my cheeks flush. As I’m neither bashful by nature nor particularly impressed with self-righteous indignation, that meant the blood vessels in my face were swelling because Galass was losing control over the blood magic coursing through her.

I put my hands up in surrender. ‘You’re right. Ididconceive a cunning plan before I called you all down here. Brilliantly cunning– in fact, an outstanding plan. Top-notch.’

Corrigan slapped a palm against his forehead. ‘We’re doomed.’

All right, fine, maybe it wasn’t themost devious or ingenious plan ever devised,but it wasn’t as bad as he was assuming. Let’s begin with the hard facts. Roughly seventy crew members were spread out over the pleasure barge, and I’m including the prostitutes, because it’s a job, right? Add to that maybe fifty guests currently enjoying their offerings, and twice as many again for the retainers and servants accompanying them to ensure their every need is instantly met. Seven enemy wonderists– no, six now, thanks to Fidelity’s propensity for smiting– and two may-all-the-gods-living-and-dead-damn-them Glorian Justiciars.

So, let’s say there were somewhere just south of two hundred and fifty souls aboard.

Now let’s consider the terrain. We’ve got one massive barge with four decks, connected by staircases at the bow and stern, except for this one cabin, tucked right at the bottom into the pointy end, which has only one avenue of escape. Breaching the hull wasn’t a viable option, as Aradeus had pointed out, since we’d either drown or we’d be easy targets for the enemy.