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‘Craig, being asked to be your wife is the most singular honour in my life so far. I’m struggling to express my feelings so I apologise if this reply is shorter and more direct than I would have preferred. In answer to your upcoming question I would like to say this …’ She paused as both she and Tiffany raised their middle fingers to the camera. Together they shouted: ‘Fuck you, you cheating bastard!’

‘I get the point!’ Hodgkiss snapped.

‘Wait, this is my favourite part,’ Poe said.

Barb

ara continued, ‘Craig, you limp-dicked, weak-willed fuckwit, I’d rather shit in my hands and clap than see your stupid girly face one more time. The clothes you left at mine are at Age Concern, your iPad’s at Barnardo’s and the spare key to your flat I gave to three homeless people this morning. I think they’re there now.’

‘Feeling better?’ Tiffany asked.

‘I’m a whole new woman,’ Barbara replied. She looked at the camera again. ‘Oh, one last thing: if I don’t get my grandmother’s ring back I’m going to the police.’

Flynn pressed pause.

Hodgkiss looked like he was going to be sick.

‘Who-who’s seen this … thing?’

‘Me, my boss here, most of the investigation team,’ Poe said.

‘No one from work?’

Poe shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I’m not really up on social media.’

Flynn reclaimed the laptop and opened another tab. Facebook was already set up. The video was on Tiffany’s page. It was called ‘The Rise and Fall of Craig Hodgkiss’. She’d posted it before Barbara had opened her present.

‘You tell me?’ Poe said. ‘What do all those likes and shares and comments mean?’

Hodgkiss burst into tears.

‘She-she-she can’t do that!’

‘She has and it’s not a bell that can be unrung.’

Flynn pressed play again. This time it was footage of the Secret Santa. Tiffany had recorded Barbara opening the present, holding up the mug without looking inside then turning it upside down. The screaming started immediately. Tiffany had followed the fingers to the floor, presumably because she’d thought it would be the ring. She held it for a few seconds before panning across to where Hodgkiss was seated.

He was wide-eyed in shock. His light-coloured jeans darkened at the crotch.

‘I don’t believe it, he’s fucking pissed himself again,’ Tiffany said off-camera.

Flynn paused the video. ‘I think we’ve seen enough.’

‘I understand it was your Secret Santa gift she opened,’ Poe said.

Hodgkiss was staring aghast at the paused screen.

‘Mr Hodgkiss, were you involved in this?’

‘What …? No, of course I wasn’t,’ he replied. ‘Is what those two bitches did legal? If it isn’t, I’m pressing charges.’

‘Grow up,’ Poe said. ‘They were mean to you, that’s all. I suspect it was less than you deserved.’

‘But … they’ve ruined my life. Who’s going to want to have sex with me now?’

Poe slammed his fist on the table. Hodgkiss jumped.

‘Enough!’ he said. ‘You can whine on your own time.’