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In the meantime, I have one thing to help me feel better about the shitty state of affairs that is my life—the financial gurus at Thames Group have emailed about my application. They’d like to know if I can come in on Monday for an interview. Starting salary is equal to about what I make working for Kase, and I should be doing cartwheels right now.
If this gig works out (and they seem super eager to fill this position ASAP) then I get to keep my apartment, get to start over where I wanted to be in the first place, and get to work in my chosen career. I should be over the fucking moon, but I’m not. Somewhere, in the back of my stubborn mind, I kept hoping Kase would trust me enough to call, tell me where he is and what’s going on. I kept hoping that maybe, just maybe, he was getting Liam back and I could come back to work on Monday. I kept hoping that, even if the situation with Liam was in limbo, Kase would at least want me back—just me—to be with him, help him get through life.
To be his girlfriend.
But I guess that was too much to ask for. Now, it appears I have everything I’ve ever wanted—the job, the dream apartment, a career in the big city, never having to wait on rich people ever again. And now that I finally have the world at my fingertips, the way I’d hoped and felt the day I graduated from college…now I don’t want it.
I want to be Liam’s nanny.
I want to see Kase everyday.
I want to make love to him and maybe be a family. I want the arguments, I want to push his buttons, and I want to go on walks with my boys in the afternoons. My boys, Kase and Liam. I want to play games with them and laugh while watching movies, and see Liam laugh when Kase tosses him too high into the air, because when they’re both smiling, my heart feels full, fuller than it ever could sitting at a desk at Thames Group’s fancy schmancy offices in midtown.
But it wasn’t meant to be.
Which is why I sail through the interview on Monday morning without even the slightest hint of nerves. Not giving a fuck, as it turns out, is a great way to kick ass in business.
Ironically, getting asked if I can start immediately by the hiring manager doesn’t even come as a surprise to me. I reply “yes.” I’d be happy to start right away.
But inside I feel nothing.