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I didn’t deserve Sebastian Courtland. There probably wasn’t anyone in the world who did. Even if he was simply on loan to me for a short time, I was going to enjoy this warmth and support while I could.
12
BYRON GRAHAM
I arrivedat the Holy Mother treatment facility at ten a.m. on Saturday, exactly when I wanted to. It was just after breakfast and late enough for Ronnie’s morning meds to have kicked in properly. After snagging the box of cookies from the front passenger seat of my car, I strolled into the building that resembled pretty much every hospital I’d ever visited in my life—off-white walls, fake plants, pastel landscapes, and durable neutral-colored tile.
With practiced ease, I strolled up to the reception desk and signed in. Jenny smiled and greeted me by name, not even bothering to look at the driver’s license I’d pulled out for her. The older volunteer was a regular and knew me from my many visits over the years. She wrapped the bright-green paper visitor band around my wrist while I broke the seal on the cookies. They were just a box of iced sugar cookies made by a local bakery that I’d picked up at the grocery this morning. Each time I came, I tried to bring something for the nursing staff on Ronnie’s floor to show my appreciation for all their hard work.
“It’s like you know exactly when I need a little treat for my day,” Jenny giggled as she selected a cookie with bright-yellow icing and a smiley face.
“I think we can all use a treat every day,” I murmured as I closed the box.
From the reception area, it was a short walk to the elevators and then a quick ride up to the third floor. As the doors closed, my heart rate picked up and my stomach knotted. I’d been coming to visit Ronnie for as long as he’d lived here, for roughly four years, and the same old anxieties continued to creep in. Most of the time, I was here alone. Mom accompanied me a few times a year, even though I called her the day before each trip to give her a heads-up that I’d be leaving for my next visit. She rarely returned my calls.
It was horrible of me to think about it, but it hurt them both each time she came here. Her worst benders were always after a visit to see Ronnie, and my brother always had bad days following her visits. Maybe too many reminders of what should have been.
At the third floor, I stepped out and turned to the right, following the long hallway to another small reception area that sat outside a pair of locked double doors. I grinned easily at the familiar face behind the desk.
“Byron! I should have known I’d see you today,” the nurse greeted.
“Hi, Elaine. What are you doing here today? I thought you were off Saturdays.”
The thirtysomething with bright-red hair sighed heavily. “Kevin had his first orthodontist appointment last week. Poor kid needs to have two teeth pulled and braces. So, I’m here trying to work some overtime for braces.”
I winced. “And you thought you were done with braces after Kristin got hers off.”
“I should have known better,” she muttered as she picked up the phone. “Let me call back to see if Ronnie’s ready for guests. Just have a seat for a sec, hon.”
I placed the box of cookies on the reception desk. “For you and the rest of the team, if you don’t mind passing them along.”
She clicked her tongue at me. “I know you’ve been told you don’t need to do that,” she said, even as she pulled the box off to the side.
“I do it because I want to.”
While she chatted with a nurse in Ronnie’s ward, I sat in one of the plastic chairs with a thin cushion, trying to refrain from pulling out my phone to check for work emails. This was the one time I needed to be fully present, no thoughts about work or anything else.
Except maybe Sebastian.
For the first time in my life, I wished I’d brought someone else. I wished Sebastian were sitting next to me in one of these uncomfortable chairs, holding my hand as we waited to be shown back. He would have filled my ear with silly talk about a bunch of nonsense or even work talk. Anything to keep my mind from worrying about things I had no control over.
Sebastian would like Ronnie. He’d know how to talk to Ronnie. The man could talk to anyone and everyone with complete ease. Without a doubt, he and Ronnie would be fast friends inside of five minutes.
And maybe that was the problem. What if Ronnie saw Sebastian as a friend, and we didn’t work out? Ronnie wouldn’t be able to understand why Sebastian wasn’t coming to visit him any longer. He would be crushed, feeling utterly abandoned by Sebastian, through no fault of his own.
As much as I now wanted to introduce Sebastian to Ronnie, it was better to wait. If we actually made a relationship work, if we were truly boyfriends and we had a future together, I would bring Sebastian here. But not yet. It was far too soon.
Still, it would have been nice to have him here, holding my hand.
“Byron?” Elaine said, breaking into my wandering thoughts. I instantly leaped to my feet, my heart freezing until I saw her smile. “You can go on in. He’s in the dayroom. He’s having a good day.”
The tension that had seized my chest released, and I felt like I could breathe again. With a nod, I walked to the doors that buzzed as I approached them, signaling that she’d unlocked them for my entry.
Stepping inside Ronnie’s ward was like stepping into a magical world. The walls were painted more colors, even though the palette remained soft and comforting. There were more pictures of animated characters, and the furniture was more comfortable. A round nurses’ station sat in the center of the main hallway while large open rooms sat on the left and right. The dayrooms where the residents could mingle with each other, watch TV, or take part in various planned activities. Past the dayrooms were two long hallways that contained some other therapy rooms, along with the residents’ private quarters.
A couple of the nurses waved to me in greeting and pointed me toward the right, where I located Ronnie sitting at a table with the jumbled pieces of a puzzle.
“Hey, Ronnie!” I said, infusing a boatload of excitement and joy into my voice while part of me ached to see him like this, even after all this time.