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“We both know you have a black heart that matches your soul.” I remove the dark tissue paper from the black bag that Kali gifted me. I reach in and pull out a cylinder tube that’s no bigger than my palm. “Is this...lipstick–”
“Whoa! Don’t push that!” She laughs as she takes the object from me. “This is Mace pepper spray. It’s disguised as a tube of lipstick, but it has a ten-foot range and will burn a fucker’s eyes out.”
“You think I need this in case…” I don’t even want to finish that thought. This gift is thoughtful and practical. And a dark reminder of how dangerous life has become as of late. If I would ever face reality, I’d acknowledge my life has become dangerous and scary. Murders are happening all around me. I’ve simply been pushing all of it out of sight behind me. Burying my fears down. Turning a blind eye. Pretending that none of this is really happening. The mind has a way of protecting us and shielding us from the horrors and trauma around us. And mine is operating at its full potential.
“Of course, you need this! Don’t ever hesitate to use it. Shoot and ask questions later. It’s not like this will kill anyone.”
“Just temporarily blind them.”
“Exactly. Hurt like a bitch, too.”
We laugh as I give her a hug. I tell Kali to go ahead and open my gift. “It’s not as thoughtful or useful.”
She rips the tape that I’d fastened to hold the bag closed. Then screams with delight when she pulls out the box. “I can’t believe you!” Kali jumps off the bed and holds the box out in front of her and shakes it at me. “Of all the things I would’ve thought you’d gotten me, this was the last thing I would’ve expected. Oh my gosh!” She hugs the box to her chest. “I love it! You bitch, I love it!”
“Now maybe you’ll quit sneaking off with your electric toothbrush.”
“Fuck that. I’m still going to use it, but now he’ll have a friend. It’ll really be a party.” She wiggles her eyebrows and shimmies her shoulders. I fall onto my back laughing at her joke.
Kali leaps onto the bed and narrows her eyes. “But when did you go into a sex store to buy a vibrator?”
“I didn’t. It was a simple one-click purchase. Then delivered within two to three business days.”
“How did you not think this gift was as thoughtful or useful? I plan to make very good use out of this. And the best part, I can think about you every time I orgasm.”
“Shut up! Please don’t think about me while you’re doing that. You’re making it weird.”
“You’re the one who bought your roommate a vibrator for Christmas. Little miss good Christian.”
“I am a good Christian. Christmas is about giving and sharing good cheer. That’s what I did. I figured you needed one since you were using something intended for dental hygiene. And then placing it next to my toothbrush.”
“Did you buy anything for yourself on that one-click purchase?”
“No. I got a little overwhelmed when I saw a kit to clone someone’s penis. I had to stop looking.”
“Ooh. Maybe you should’ve purchased two of those so you could clone those Carmichael brothers’ dicks. Wait a minute…they’re twins, so were their dicks identical? I’ve always wondered that about twins. We could’ve compared them in length and the veins, took notes.”
“I don’t remember.”
“I call bullshit. You probably sit in here and masturbate to dreams of them every night.”
I laugh, if she only knew about my dream. Flopping back down on my bed, I pick up my phone and call Kali.
“Hey, you!” Kali answers on the second ring.
“You sound breathless. Is this a bad time?”
“No, it’s perfect. I was just using your Christmas present and thinking about you. Now you can talk to me while I–”
“I’m hanging up.”
“I’m kidding. I was doing a little cardio but not anything that fun. What about you?”
“Actually…that’s why I’m calling.”
“This conversation is going in a completely different direction than I expected and I’m here for it.”
I laugh and stare at my ceiling. “Listen, I had this dream…”