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“Daddy!” Anne pulled me, and I tensed up again, imagining that they were going to bring up that subject that was making me more and more uncomfortable. “Are we going to have bonbons again?”
“Do you want candy?”
They said yes.
“I don't have any bonbons, but how about a pizza?”
“Wow!”
“Can I keep this?” I picked up the drawing that had been the reason for the whole conversation.
“Podi.”
“Pizza.” Mary's eyes were sparkling, and she wasn't thinking about anything else, much to my relief.
At least for the time being, I had been freed from my daughters' pressure to find someone to fill the position that their mother's death had left vacant. Although it wasn't that simple, I knew that a large part of that dilemma was my own resistance.
They were very happy with the pizza, so I ordered their favorite flavor, pepperoni, and let them have two pieces each. It was a lot for little girls, but an extravagance on a single day wouldn't hurt.
After they'd seen a bit more drawing, I made them put away their crayons and sheets, then go to bed and brush their teeth. I put them to bed and read the beginning of a book before they fell asleep.
As soon as I left their room, I felt more exhausted than ever. It was as if all that fighting was wearing me down. It would have been so much easier if Daphne hadn't died and left me in this situation. But I couldn't blame her or anyone else.
I went into my room and undressed to take a shower. Once I'd relaxed a bit and gone to sleep, I could start a new day. One at a time, as it had been for the past few years.
I felt the paper in my pocket and saw the drawing the girls had made: me, them, and the school teacher. They lived with the woman every day; it was normal for them to direct an absence they felt towards her, but that didn't mean that a little nursery school teacher was the right person for me.
There was no doubt that Helena was so young and beautiful that I was interested in taking her to bed. But sex wasthe only thing I could see happening between the two of us, just as it had been with the other women I had been involved with after becoming a widower. There was no reason to have anything else.
Closing my heart forever was the best thing for me.
It's the pain, the risk of having feelings...
My sister's voice echoed in my head again, and I was even more annoyed by Deborah's speech. I was fine the way I was, and I didn't need to change anything.
Could it be?
It disturbed me as if my subconscious was objecting to my arguments, almost like an annoying prosecutor.
I was a cold, cunning, and sometimes even cruel man in business when defending my clients. But in my personal life, I even managed to get a different version of myself, one that was more caring and kind. But I was saving that only for my daughters. Why couldn't I go on like this?
It was just a silly drawing. I threw the paper aside, causing it to glide to the floor, and went into the bathroom.
The girls were still very young, and over time, they would understand my motivations and stop fantasizing about something that wasn't going to happen.
Chapter nineteen
When I opened the door after another day at school, my grandmother wasn't sitting in the same place, which caught my attention and made me drop my bag to chase her around the house.
“Grandma!”
“I'm here.”
“What do you think you're doing?” I put my hands on my waist and looked at her with a serious expression when I found her in the kitchen fiddling with the pans.
“Our dinner.”
“Why didn't you wait for me to do it?”