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She chuckles softly. “Was it the one with the cow in sunglasses?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, that one gets me too.”
I laugh and cry at the same time, the kind of laugh that sounds like it’s limping.
“I messed everything up.”
“No,” she says gently. “You just took a different turn, that’s all. Life doesn’t always go according to the plan. Doesn’t mean the destination changed.”
I’m quiet for a moment.
Then I admit, almost afraid to hear myself say it, “The baby’s father…he reminds me of Dad.”
That brings another beat of silence.
“In what way?” she asks.
“He’s…in control. Powerful. Has a whole world I don’t understand. And I thought maybe I could handle it, but now I don’t know. He hides everything. One minute I thought he cared, the next he was gone. Like a light switch. And I think—I think I was in love with him.”
My mom hums thoughtfully, like she’s letting that sit before responding.
“You know what made your father a bad man?” she says finally. “It wasn’t his temper. Or his secrets. It was that he always put himself first. Even when we begged him not to.”
I swallow hard.
“You said this man left,” she continues. “But did he hurt you?”
I think of Damien. His silence. His rage when I was in danger. The way he touches me like I’m made of glass and war all at once.
“No,” I whisper. “Not really. He just shut me out.”
“Well,” she says. “Then he still has a chance to be better. You don’t have to judge him by your father’s mistakes. And you don’t have to carry them like they’re yours.”
I press the ultrasound photo tighter against my chest, closing my eyes.
“Even if he never comes back,” she adds, “you’re not alone, Sasha. And this baby? This baby’s not a disaster. It’s a beginning. And if this man…whatever he is to you…if he ever truly put you first, even once, then he’s already made a better choice than your father ever did.”
I close my eyes.
And for the first time in days, I don’t feel the panic swallowing me whole.
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too. You’re going to be okay, baby girl. No matter what.”
And I believe her.
For just a moment—I actually believe her.
28
DAMIEN
I’ve never hatedsilence until now.
The estate is too quiet without my mother. My apartment is too clean. My schedule is full of meaningless meetings, and every room I enter feels like it used to have Sasha in it—even the ones she’s never stepped foot in.