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"What do you mean?"
I sigh, making my shoulders slump in defeat. "I won't try to go to Ivan. You're right—it wouldn't help Jessica."
He studies me for a moment too long before turning back to the road. "Just like that?"
"What choice do I have? You've made it clear you'll stop me no matter what." I force my voice to soften. "And... maybe you're right. Maybe Ivan would hurt her anyway."
"We'll find her," Noah says again, reaching over to squeeze my knee.
I cover his hand with mine and give him what I hope looks like a grateful smile. "I know."
The lie tastes bitter on my tongue but I swallow it down. For Jessica, I'll do whatever it takes. Even if it means playing along with Noah's rules for now.
Even if it means walking straight into Ivan's hands later.
When we reach his building Noah escorts me through the lobby with his hand on mine. His touch burns through my skin, a reminder of everything that's happened between us.
The elevator ride is silent. I keep my eyes fixed on the numbers as they climb higher and higher.
Inside the apartment Noah locks the door behind us. The sound of the deadbolt sliding into place makes my skin crawl.
"I need a shower," I say, my voice hollow.
Noah studies my face. "Are you okay?"
"What do you think?" I snap, then immediately regret it. I need him to believe I've given up. "Sorry. I just... I need a moment alone."
He nods slowly. "Take your time."
I walk to the bathroom, feeling his eyes on me with every step. Once inside, I close the door and lean against it, listening. His footsteps move away, toward the kitchen.
I turn on the shower, cranking the hot water until steam fills the room. Only then do I let myself break.
The first sob rips through me like physical pain. I clamp my hand over my mouth to muffle the sound but I can't stop the tears. They come in a flood, washing away the mask I've been wearing.
I strip off my clothes and step under the scalding spray, letting the water mix with my tears. Here, with the shower drowning out any sound, I can finally let go.
"I'm sorry, Jess," I say, pressing my forehead against the cool tile. "I'm so sorry."
My body shakes with silent sobs. The water beats down on my shoulders, washing away nothing. The guilt remains, heavy as stone.
I let myself cry until there's nothing left. Until the water begins to cool. Until my skin is red and raw.
Then I wash my face, letting the evidence of my breakdown swirl down the drain.
CHAPTER 21
Ipour whiskey into a glass, not bothering to measure. The amber liquid sloshes against the sides as I drop onto the sofa and grab the remote. The TV flickers to life, some mindless show filling the silence of my apartment.
I don't give a fuck what's on. I just need noise. Something to drown out the sound of running water from the bathroom where Evelyn's been for the past twenty minutes.
She's crying. I know she is.
I take a long swallow of whiskey, welcoming the burn down my throat. It doesn't help. Nothing helps the weight pressing against my chest when I think about Jessica being in Ivan's hands. About what that sick fuck might do to her.
About how it's my fault.
If I hadn't taken Evelyn... if I'd just watched from a distance like I had for months...