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Chapter 7

The Sleepover

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CONNER HAD BEEN DEATHLYserious about me living with him. I wasn't going to end my lease, there was no reason to go that far, but he told me to pack up everything I'd need so I could stay with him until Pappy's birthday.

My normally organized demeanor fell to shreds with him staring at me expectantly as I darted around my apartment, stuffing things into a duffel bag. Shoes? Pajamas? Toothbrush? I snatched up some dressy trousers and a few blouses, then froze. I'm going to be leaving his place in the morning to go to work. Will Aubrey realize I didn't spend the night in my own bed? With my luck, she'll smell the guilt on me.

“Do you need any help?” he asked.

“No, no, I'm good.” Packing the last few things into the bag, I faced him. “I'll have to come by here tomorrow to feed my fish.”

He glanced at the small tank by my kitchen counter. Inside, my orange goldfish bobbed around, her long fins trailing like wet lace. “She's pretty, what's her name?”

“Ariel. I told you, I loved that movie.”

“Have you had her long?”

“A few months. I bought her after—” I stopped myself. “What's the policy on talking about exes, again?”

“If I remember, you said he wasn't nice. Talking about bad exes is fine.”

“Yeah, he was pretty awful.” Wandering over to the fish tank, I crouched, smiling fondly at Ariel as she swam. “Adopting her helped me with the breakup. I was in a rough place after Ben broke things off, but taking care of Ariel allowed me to believe I wasn't a terrible, messed up person.”

Conner had come up beside me without me realizing. His hand closed on mine, his thumb brushing the new engagement ring. “How could you ever think you're a terrible person?” he asked.

I looked up into his concerned eyes. “Ben and I dated for a year before I found the courage to tell him about my kinks in the bedroom. He was... not impressed, to put it mildly.” I frowned at the memory.

“Hey.” Conner squeezed my hand. His palm was so bag, my fingers vanished in his grip. “Don't ever think there's something wrong with you. He's the shithead for not accepting every part of you.”

I caught my breath, my whole body warming from his kind words. “I'll be honest, Conner. Part of me agrees with you. Another part of me, deep down, still feels disgusted by what turns me on.” I laughed nervously as I pulled my hand away from his. “I mean, in the age of hashtag Me Too, when women are dealing with being abused and harassed, isn't it fucked up that I want someone to take advantage of me?”

“Maya...”

“I run my own marketing agency,” I said, my voice rising. “I've done empowering work for some of the hottest, most vulnerable new musicians in Nashville. Magazines have interviewed me! Little girls look up to me because they see they can run their own business someday, too! And here I am, hiding this awful secret that as strong as I seem on the surface... at the end of the day, I want a man to hold me down and use me for his needs! That's messed up! I know it is.”

I squared off with Conner, daring him to argue with me, wondering what he could even say. I was used to winning debates. I rarely backed down, I was stubborn as hell and it was part of my success.

Conner took a deep breath, then let the air out through his nose. “You spend so many hours a day being in charge. That sounds exhausting.”

“It is.”

“Why would it be weird for you to want to give up control?”

“The world is full of authoritarian people, Conner, and I doubt they all secretly wish someone would dominate their ass in bed.”

He laughed, and when he did, I had to smile. “Dominate their ass. Nice.” His voice became tender. “Maya, you're not broken because you're kinky. You're a consenting adult, and so am I. Sex is complicated. But if no one is getting hurt, and it makes you feel good, how can that be wrong?”

I dropped my duffel bag by my feet. “I don't want it to be. It just feels that way in my heart.”

“Do you think I'm disgusting for enjoying the same stuff?”

“No!” I said quickly. “No, you're not—I'd never think that.”

“If you don't think that about me, then don't think it about yourself either.” He looked at Ariel in the tank. “You've focused on being kind to your fish... but maybe it's time to be kind to yourself.”

“Are you always like this?” I whispered.