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The walls shook from the force of his voice. She glanced at the door, happy that it was closed. But people walking by had to know a fight waged in her office.
Let them listen.
She struggled to keep her voice calm. Did not let him see that the sex comment slashed through her. “Have we ever dealt with the underlying issue?”
“That you’re afraid of commitment.”
Her mouth dropped open. She felt it go. “Me?”
He pushed off the desk and stood up straight again. “You are so sure people are going to leave you.”
The comment hit its mark. She felt it right to the center of her chest. But he was missing a very important piece of this puzzle. “You did leave me.”
“I messed up, Abby. I am sorry.” He turned away from her for a second and wiped a hand through his hair. When he looked at her again, his eyes were wild. It was as if the warring inside him was tearing him apart. “I will say it to you however many times it takes to make it better for you. Just tell me.”
It was so tempting to drop the subject. Go to him, hug it out. Pretend that this subject and the worry wouldn’t haunt her nights...but it would.
“Promise me you won’t do it again.” It was an impossible request. So unfair of her, and she knew that. She just didn’t know how else to say what she needed.
She’d spent a lifetime losing the people she loved. She closed the circle, only let a few in. But the point was she had let him in. Now she worried he was clawing against the walls to get out again.
“I...what are you talking about?” His voice came out as a ragged whisper.
“Jeff’s stuff was another hole you could slip through. An excuse you could use to go.”
Spence shook his head. His voice carried a pleading tone now. “I didn’t. I stood in that office and defended you.”
“You wanted to know why I didn’t tell you about Jeff and his threats.” The words stuck in her throat but she pushed them out. She’d only just figured out half of this herself, and it sucked to dump it on him. But it was about him. “In part, I wanted to handle it. Not give Derrick another burden. Back then, not give him a reason to doubt me because he was my boss and you were gone.”
“Sure, that makes sense.”
“This time, I kept it quiet so you wouldn’t have a reason to doubt me.”
His shoulders fell, as if the will had run right out of him. “You are confusing all of these things. They aren’t related to each other.”
“I can’t wait around for you to leave me again.” She almost sobbed when she said it, but there it was. The real fear. The one that spun around inside her, getting bigger, grabbing on to everything. It tainted the good times and made the idea of being pregnant almost impossible to bear.
His eyes looked empty now. The voice, the way he stood there, as if his muscles had stopped working. It all suggested that he was lost. She would do anything to lead him back to her, but he had to help her. He needed to recognize that this was an issue and fight with her.
“How about trusting me enough to know I’m going to stay.”
The words pummeled her. “Trust is earned.”
“You’re saying I don’t deserve it.” It wasn’t a question. He said it as a statement of fact.
That’s not how she meant it. She did not see him as a lost cause. He was smart and funny, charming and sexy. He had a bone-deep loyalty, because that is why he came back to help Derrick. Not out of curiosity.
He was her everything and could be all she ever wanted. When she looked at him she knew she’d love him forever.
That realization had her pressing her hand against her chest. “I haven’t seen many clues that you intend to put down roots. No house. No new work.”
He made a strangled sound. “You and the baby. The maybe baby.”
All the hope ran out of her then. She leaned harder against the chair to keep from falling to the floor. “That’s exactly the wrong answer.”
“Why?”
“I need you to stay because you want to, not because you have to.” It was just that simple. After a lifetime of settling for limited friendships and not going too deep, she wanted it all. “Until you make a decision about that, you need to stay away.”