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Supreme Court of Western Australia

PERTH

October 15th

There are so many people in this courtroom, so many different voices. But not yours. There are men here who are tall, tanned, who have the requisite blond hair. But I know I’ve been wrong: it’s not you here today to see me. It’s just the memory of you, clinging, lingering. If you were here, there’d be more fuss, media; everyone would notice. But still I can’t shake it, this sensation at the back of my neck. Someone is watching. Something is different from what I expected.

Jodie touches my right wrist. ‘You need to listen to what’s being said,’ she reminds me.

As if I could forget. As if there is anywhere else I could be right now.

She gives a little sigh. I know she’s worried I’m not taking it all in.But I’m an old hand at this,I want to tell her.I’ve been here before. Chill, Jodie.But I nod, my lips pressed tight. She is right. Things are different this time, and I’d do well to remember it.

When the judge calls my name, I hold onto the edge of the table in front of me, aware of the many eyes at my back, as the court clerk reads the charges. The first two are the same as yours were—ironic, really—but the last one is much, much worse.

‘Not guilty,’ I say, to everything.

The feeling of you being in this room with me is growing stronger. Is it guilt? Longing? A little of both?

The judge is addressing the jury now, outlining the order of the trial ahead. But I know what will happen next. After the opening speeches, the prosecution team will present their case and witnesses, and then it’ll be our turn. All the truth and lies of us will fill the spaces in this room. Finally, when Jodie calls me as a defence witness, I will place my hand on the Bible, and I’ll say my last words: my testimony. Then, the decision, agreed upon by twelve random people who think they might know something about us, but don’t and never will

My skin is hot and clammy, even though the day is cool, unusually so for Perth in October. The forecast said rain and a strong breeze, more like English weather. When I look around, I see winter coats, scarves. Everything is upside down. I feel Jodie’s eyes on me. Why is she so worried anyway? Will the result of this case affect her career, change her life like it will for me?

Mr Lowe, the barrister for the prosecution team, stands, and the room quietens. The prickle at the back of my neck is still there. I start scanning again. And suddenly I think I understand: it wasn’t you I saw, it was Nick.