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“I don’t know yet.” I flopped onto my back, all the desire suddenly vanishing from my body. “Ugh. I should go check on her.”

He rolled onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow. “Want me to go with you?”

“No, I don’t think so.” I pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes. “This should be just me and her. I’ve been through this a lot with her. It’s fine.”

“Yeah,” Steph said, “but that doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it alone. You shouldn’t have to be a parent to your own mother.”

My heart clenched. “I know that, but no one’s ever told me so.”

“I’m telling you that. You don’t have to take care of her.”

I sighed heavily. “I know. But… I guess I still want to. I’m used to dealing with her, and I’ll feel better if I know she’s okay. It won’t take long.”

“Why are you still so devoted to her? For as long as I’ve known her, she’s been…” Steph searched for the right word. “Lost. Lost in her addiction.”

If anyone else had asked me that, I would’ve been defensive or even offended. But Steph asked so softly, I knew he just wanted to understand.

“I guess it’s just a regular part of my life,” I said. “She wasn’t much better when I was a kid, but she wasn’tthisbad. I guess… I guess part of me just wants to see that version of my mom again.”

“What was she like?” Steph ran his fingers up and down my forearm in a rhythmic, soothing manner.

“When she wasn’t drinking?” I hummed and closed my eyes. The question had me drifting back into my memories when I was just a young kid. “She was funny. Really loud. She was good at making the smallest things an adventure. She’d turn a grocerystore trip into a scavenger hunt. Or take me to the park after dark for a late-night game of flashlight tag. She didn’t have a lot of money, but I never felt like I was missing anything. We had fun every time I visited.”

“Visited?” Steph asked.

“Yeah. My father had full custody, so I only saw my mom on the occasional weekend. When I was with her, it was like a vacation.”

Steph hummed in understanding. “It sounds like you had fun together. But maybe she wasn’t really like a mom?”

I caught his hand where it was stroking up and down my arm, and tangled our fingers together. “Yeah,” I admitted in a small voice. “Yeah. She wasn’t. And I wanted that. I think I still want that.”

Steph squeezed my hand.

“And I want it for Dylan, too. I want him to know Mom the way I knew her, you know? I want us to have fun together. I want him to make those same memories.”

“I get it,” Steph said. “I know what you mean. How it feels to want to save someone so badly, but you can’t save her unless she wants to be saved.”

Sean.

In a way, it was the same situation. Sean was lost to his own thirst for revenge, the way my mother was lost to her drinking. We both desperately wanted to pull them out. To bring back the people we once knew.

But we couldn’t force them to change.

“It sucks,” I said. “It really fucking sucks.”

Steph sighed. “Yeah. It does.”

“I wish I could just stop loving her,” I said. “But she’s mymom.It’s not that simple.”

“I know. I should hate Sean’s guts, but he’s still my brother.”

I groaned and rolled onto my side again, then buried my face in Steph’s chest. “I wish it was easier. For both of us.”

“So do I,” Steph said as he raked his fingers through my hair. “You sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

“I’m sure. I need to get this over with.”

Reluctantly, I got out of bed and dressed. I had time for a cup of coffee and a hug before I was out the door and heading to Mom’s, with Rome following behind me as my escort.