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Pain was better.

Pain at least allowed me to think.

I had to dosomething, that was the one thing I could be sure of. If I had ruined humanity's last safe refuge, I was the one who should go and fix it – a simple matter of justice, of actions and consequences. So what options did I have? Begging the rest of the alliance to join my madman's quest and help me save the city?

It's hardly a matter of wanting, Nenya had said yesterday.Rather what we can afford.

They couldn't afford an unprepared attack.

And they were right, but that cold, ruthless calculation didn't change anything about the guilt that kept my feet moving and moving and moving, the unforgivable mistakes that were mine and mine alone. It didn't scrub the sickening images from my mind's eye, the quiet, peaceful streets and the swarms of wings eclipsing the starry skies.

So perhaps going east was the best I could do. Perhaps—

A shadow fell over me.

And no matter the guilt, no matter the urgency driving my limbs forward, twenty years of prey instinct were enough to make me freeze on the spot as the sunlight drew the rough shape of wings on the grass around me.

Creon landed next to me a moment later, inaudible save for the last slap of his wings, which sent a gust of air into my face even from ten feet away. He couldn't have been awake for more than ten minutes, and already he looked perfectly ready for war – knives at his belt, hair bound back, that icy coldness in his eyes that came with the prospect of blood to spill.

The perfect predator … yet all he did, after finding his footing on the uneven ground and folding his wings against his shoulders, was smile a razor-sharp smile at me. ‘Morning, cactus.’

I stared at him, frozen like a panicking rabbit, too out of breath to get a sensible word past my lips.

It didn't matter how casual he made that greeting sound. It didn't matter how leisurely he stood there between the pine trees and the wild grass, hands in his pockets, wings deceptively relaxed. He trailed his gaze over me just once, that piercing, all-seeing demon gaze, and I knew he knew exactly what had just happened, the threats, the promises. He knew the thoughts whirling through my mind, too, and somehow that was worse – to know not just that I had failed, but to have it laid open like this, a bare wound for the world to see.

But all he said, still so dangerously calm, was, ‘So what do you think you’re doing?’

I wrapped my arms around myself, jutting my chin forward defiantly. ‘Something.’

‘Ah.’ His expression neither sharpened nor softened. ‘I see. And thatsomethingdoes not, by any chance, include an attempt to hand yourself over to her, does it?’

I didn't reply.

I had no idea what to say to him – not tohim. To anyone else I could have lied.No, I just need a little time for myself. No, I'm just trying to think. But he wouldn't believe me, and somehow that made even the thought of trying a nauseating one – unthinkable, to betray his trust that way.

‘Em …’ he said.

There was a layer of disappointment in that one word that made me wince.

‘Do you even fully realise what happened?’ I managed – a desperate effort to explain myself, to myself as much as to him. ‘The walls should have stopped her – should have stopped all of them. The only reason I can think of that they didn’t—’

‘Is that the laws of the city weren’t a formality but rather codified instructions from the gods themselves?’ Creon finished,still so unfathomably unmoved. He hadn’t even pulled his hands from his pockets. ‘Yes. I figured. She must have known the true meaning of that law, for her army to be here so swiftly.’

The Mother, who had lived with the gods – who had known more of their secrets than anyone else in the world … She must have made her plans the moment she heard I’d travelled to the city. Most likely, she’d laughed herself to shambles all the way through, too.

Had she hoped to catch me there, still enjoying the consuls’ ill-advised hospitality? Or had she deliberately waited until I’d left, helpfully taking every battleworthy citizen with me, and then swept in to destroy the last little hope humanity had left?

So much for killing the bitch.

So much for saving the world.

‘So they wouldn't be facing death if not for me, right?’ I creaked. ‘They would all still be fine if not for me.’

He raised one eyebrow a fraction. ‘Yes, I suppose one could make that argument.’

An agreement, of sorts, and yet it didn't sound like he agreed with me at all. I took a single wobbly step backwards, as if a few more inches between us would change anything about the way his words sent my mind even more wildly awhirl, and managed, ‘So I messed up really, really badly, don't you see?’

‘Oh, I see.’ It wasn't annoyance in his voice. It was tiredness. It was the smallest, softest sliver of sadness. ‘As did your mother for letting you into the city, I would argue. As did Agenor for not realising just how the magic of those walls operated despite having had several centuries in the company of both the Mother and the gods to figure it out. They are blaming themselves plenty right now, in case you were wondering.’