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She watched me for a moment. “But wouldn’t you also regret listening to his message and calling him back?”

That brought me up short. “I… I hadn’t thought of that, honestly.”

She offered a sympathetic grimace. “Kind of sounds like you can’t win for losing with him.”

“No, I really can’t.” I pressed my back against the wall. “It’s exhausting.”

“I bet it is. But maybe tonight, you just picked the regret you can live with. Next time…” Lila half-shrugged. “You’ll talk to him because that’s the regret you can live with then.”

“That’s what I usually do.”

“Do you feel worse now than you do on those nights?”

I thought about it. “I don’t know. I feel like crap, but it’s different.” I looked at her through my lashes. “Talking to him always leaves me feeling like I just played a really bad game. Like I scored an own goal or something. I just… I feel like shit. But this?” I chewed my lip as I tried to find the words. “I don’t know. It sucks, it’s just… different.”

“Yikes. I don’t know how you do it.”

The laugh that escaped my lips was dry as dust. “What choice do I have?”

Her eyes met mine, and I could see the answers she wasn’t saying out loud. The same ones other people had given over time.

You could put your foot down.

You could tell him you’re not going to tolerate that behavior.

You could go no-contact with him.

Yeah. I could. But it wasn’t that simple. I had no idea how to explain why—I’d never been able to spell it out to anyone else, and I couldn’t spell it out to Lila. I wasn’t even sure I could explain to myself.

Because I’m sure it’ll blow up in my face somehow just like cutting him off blows up in everyone else’s face?

Because I’m holding out hope that someday he’ll see the light?

Because I don’t want to admit I’ll never have the dad IknowI’ll never have?

I finally sighed and pushed myself off the wall. “I’ll figure something out. For now, we should probably get some sleep.”

“Yeah. We should.” Lila smiled sadly. “Will you be okay tonight?”

“I’ll be fine.” I returned the smile, hoping it was convincing.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. Whatever the case, Lila stepped closer and hugged me gently. “We’ve all got your back,” she told me softly. “The whole team.”

I almost wanted to laugh at that. It was true and I knew it, but it still seemed so wildly unreal that, of all people, Lila Hamilton had my back.

And yet, it also felt completely right and sincere. As if that rivalry had just been a dream or something between immature teenagers in major juniors.

Either way…

“Thanks,” I whispered, and let her go. “I really appreciate…”

Our eyes met.

There was no crowd this time. No teammates. No cameras. Just the two of us in a deserted hotel hallway, standing way too close together and holding each other’s gazes for one, two, six beats too long.

I opened my mouth to speak, not even sure what I intended to say, but Lila spoke first.

“We should get some sleep.” She cleared her throat as she subtly put some space between us. “I’ll see you at breakfast?”