Page 104

“It’s fine. Let’s just… not talk about that one again, please.”

“Got it. Well, my worst memory is easy. We were little, and I’d spent all morning mad at Ainsley for some fight we were having, and our parents both took her side, which made me even angrier. And then we were outside and she kicked a ball onto the roof and decided to climb up to get it, and I didn’t tell her not to because I thought it’d be funnyif she fell. I don’t know why—I was mad at her, and I didn’t really get it. I didn’t think seriously bad thingscouldhappen to us. Then shedidfall and like… she didn’t bounce, like she did in my head. She got knocked out and I thought she was dead. She woke up after a few seconds but it felt like an hour, and I had to face the thought that she wasn’t guaranteed, you know? People can die.That’sthe most scared I’ve ever been.”

Brougham watched me speak with a serious expression, nodding the whole time and not tearing his eyes away from me for even a moment. I hadn’t talked about that day in forever. I hadn’tthoughtabout it in forever. But it was weirdly freeing to tell him about it now.

The questions only got more intense from there. Some things we agreed on, like the definition of friendship. Others, our answers looked very different, like how love and affection looked in our lives (for me, it was the sun everything else revolved around; for Brougham, it was a goal, something he felt might change the way his whole life looked if he had as much of it as he would like to).

The question about relationships with our mothers made the room feel heavy and uncomfortable. Brougham hesitated, so I went first. “I love my mom,” I said. “I think our relationship’s starting to change for the better, lately. We’ve been talking more. It was hard for a while, because she’s alwayssobusy, and I know it’s because she has to juggle everything without much input from Dad, but having her ignore me for work hurt more than when Dad does it. Maybe that’s not fair, I dunno. But she’s the one I live with most of the time, so it was her I wanted more support from. And on the flip side, I guess it’s her that I’m closer with in general for the same reason.”

Brougham glanced outside at Ray and Brooke. “I’m worried I’m going to become mine, and I won’t notice it happening. I keep thinking about how I got drunk after prom, and I didn’t do it to have fun or be social, I did it because I was angry, and I didn’t wanna be. And that scares me.”

Brooke and Ray had moved onto the next question, but I felt like we might need to skip it. Brougham and I needed to linger here for a minute. “Look, I’m not an expert,” I said. “But I think you’re being really hard on yourself. You’re scared of it because you’ve seen how bad it can get. But you’re also really aware of yourself, and you have the ability to reflect, and to change your choices when you don’t like how it went last time. You might be more at risk of issues with it because of genetics, but it’s not a sentence, you know? You still have control over how your life will go from here.”

Brougham looked up at me through his lashes. “You reckon?”

“I do. You’re not addicted, and you don’t have a history, and you haven’t set up dangerous habits. But if it’s scaring you so much, maybe you should see someone about it, like the school counselor or something, so you can figure out what to do if you’re in that situation again.”

Brougham rested his head against his elbow. “That’s a good idea,” he said. He sounded tired.

We sat in the silence. Brougham was off somewhere else, and I didn’t want to push him to make his way back to me.

A few questions later, I sat up straight. “This is a more cheerful one,” I said. “Three things we like about each other.”

Brougham blinked and shook his head a little. “Ah, yes, better not miss the ego stroke.”

“You’re damn right. Okay, I like that you’re… impossible to predict, but I’m starting to anticipate you acting out of the ordinary, so maybe I’m sort of starting to predict you anyway. I like that you’re always there for people when they need you, especially Finn. And I like how you insist on letting people in, even though you’ve been stung for it more times than most.”

Brougham’s expression was funny as he processed these. Not quite readable. He cleared his throat. “I like that you always have a response, like you’re never caught off guard by anything, you just adapt and retaliate. I like that you’re so concerned with the happiness of total strangers, and you’re happy when other people are happy even if you don’t get the credit for making it happen. And I like that you’re just genuinelyfun.People like to be around you.”

Well. For all his insistence that I was never caught off guard, I sure felt unsure how to respond. It felt like he’d looked at me, then ripped off my skin and looked underneath that, then dove deeper still.

When the questions were finally done, Brooke and Ray stood up and embraced each other, holding the position for second after second after second. Brougham and I watched them, side by side, our shoulders pressed together. “That looks good,” I said. He gave a grunt of agreement.

The sun was beginning to set as we walked outside, and everything was glowing with a warm orange. The yard had a dreamlike feel to it. So did I, come to think of it. I felt completely drained.

“Thank you guys for setting all this up,” Brooke said. Her eyes were heavy lidded. She looked how I felt. “It’s just… you went above and beyond. It was… extra. But it was really nice.”

“Well, you know. I’m really, really sorry for what I did. To both of you. I know it doesn’t make up for anything, but I…” I shrugged.

“I’m gonna give Brooke a lift home,” Ray said, but she was smiling. Apology accepted? Hard to tell. She placed a hand gently on Brooke’s shoulder blade, then let it drop.

“Okay. So…” I trailed off.

Brooke held her arms out, and I fell into them.

“I’ll text you,” she said. The most wonderful thing she’d ever said to me.

As Brooke and Ray headed off, Brougham steered me to the pool. “Let’s just chill for a minute,” he said.

We were both wearing shorts, so it was easy enough for us to kick off our shoes and sit on the edge of the pool side by side, with our legs in the water. His pool had soaked up the heat from the day, and it was almost warm. The perfect temperature for the evening. I wish I’d thought to bring my swimsuit.

“I got you something,” Brougham said. “For your birthday.”

I looked up, surprised. “I thought all of this was for my birthday?”

“Nah. That was for them. This is for you.” He fished an envelope from his pocket, and for a wild, irrational moment I thought it was a locker letter.

Inside the envelope was a piece of paper. I unfolded it and smoothed out the creases. It was a printout of a ticket.