Page 79

He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed an exposed finger. “A miracle. I thank God for you every day.”

She stopped walking and looked at him, her expression troubled. “Slash, what do we do next?”

He reached out and touched her cheek. He left his palm resting against her face, wishing he could freeze time. Just the two of them, like this, forever. But inside he knew what he needed to do.

“There’s something I need to tell you,cara.”

He watched as anxiety and fear crossed her face. He hated that he had contributed to that expression. But he was finished with trying to outrun his past.

The time had come for him to stand and face it. Otherwise, there would be no going on together.

Chapter Forty-Two

Slash

He found an empty bench, and they sat side by side, watching the ocean and listening to the waves crash and recede. An oversize yacht sailed past, and a few sailboats dotted the horizon. Lexi removed her hat and placed it in her lap, playing with the ribbon and waiting for him to speak. He thought he’d figured out exactly what he was going to say, but he kept revising the plan until he lost track of the starting point. He was overthinking things to distraction. He needed to start, get it out, and trust she would understand.

“You tried to hack into a file at the CIA a few days ago,” he finally said.

He felt her jolt in surprise, then steady herself. “Yes.” There was no accusation, hurt or defensiveness in her tone, just a simple answer. “Elvis and Xavier were helping me.”

“That was me on the other side, trying to stop you. Did you know?”

She still didn’t look at him, and he hated himself for how much he’d hurt her. “I knew. Not at first, but eventually.”

He turned to her, pushed his sunglasses to the top of his head. He had to know. “You had the file in your grasp. You were moments from taking it. Why did you back off?”

She turned her gaze from the sea to look at him. “Because the moment I realized it was you on the other side, taking on all three of us by yourself, I knew it was something you desperately didn’t want me to know.”

“That’s why you stopped?” He thought it over. “Because I didn’t want you to know?”

“Yes. And because I love you. We’re not on opposing sides, Slash. I’m trying to help you, not hurt you. If you don’t want me know what’s in that file, or in any other files you have hidden away somewhere, I won’t press further. But I’m not going to let anyone drive you from me. If you want to walk away from this—from us—do it on your own terms, not because you’re trying to protect me from something in your past. I’m not a child, and I’m aware of the kinds of things men who have jobs like you are required to do. I can make my own decisions in regard to my safety and life. Just so we’re clear on that.”

He deserved that dressing-down, but it didn’t make things any easier. He looked back out to the sea. His chest tightened, so he relied on his training for responding to high-stress situations. Deep breaths. Focus on the moment and avoid worrying about the future. Invite the calm. Get enough information to move forward and be decisive.He forced the muscles in his neck and shoulders to relax.

She waited for an answer, but no matter how hard he tried, he still couldn’t say what was in his heart. But he had to say something.

God help him, why couldn’t he do this?

She must have sensed the indecision warring within him, because she rested a bandaged hand on his knee and left it there, not saying anything, but linking them and letting him know she was there.

Wherever the helltherewas.

Her small gesture calmed him and gave him the opening to reflect further and work it out in his head.

Can I risk the truth with her?

Can I risk our relationship with the truth?

Am I unworthy of her love if I reveal all of myself? How will I know unless I tell her?

The risk was incalculable. The loss would be catastrophic.

He blinked and looked out at the sea. How long had they been sitting there in silence? He’d lost track of time, yet she waited patiently for him.

Finally, he exhaled and leaned back on the bench. “How much do you know about the situation in the Congo? I assume you know something since you knew right where to look.”

“Just the basics,” she said. “About your exact role in the situation—very little. Gray found a news clip of the day of the assassination and we saw you dressed as a priest at the presidential palace. All of which means I know enough to speculate, but not have any definitive answers.”