Page 157 of Nine-Tenths

This isn’t fair.

How dare Simcoe do this to us? My heart is so broken right now. But I don't need to break his, too.

"Nothing permanent," I finally admit.

"I'm relieved to hear it."

More waiting.

"Will that happen every time?"

He huffs smoke out his nose. "It will never happen again, because he will never touch you again."

"That's not what I mean, and you know it."

"You must think me so ill-tempered—"

"Ireallydon't," I protest. "I understand that it's a biological urge or whatever. I mean, I don'tunderstandwhy it has to be like thisat all, but I understand… it's notfine, but… it's fine."

"Then why do you reek of fear?" he asks, in a small voice.

I don't know what to say to that, so I don't say anything.

"It frightened me," Dav confesses. "I don't blame you if it frightened you, too."

"Babe, it scared the ever-lovingfuckoutta me. But not because—"

"We can work on it. Maybe I can—"

This isn't fair, making him contort himself like this, like I don't already know what scares him most. "Onatah told me about Charlie."

He makes a sharp noise. "You must hate me—"

"Don't put words in my mouth." He stops short, startled. "I'm angry about it, yeah, but not with you. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have taken that swing at you."

"There's no need to apologize, Mine Own, I—"

"Please let me finish." And then I take a deep breath, screw my eyes closed, and blurt out the rest of what I've been rehearsing inmy own head since Janet picked me up. "Iamterrified. But not of you. Not of the dragony bits of you. What scares me is how… how wrong this could all go. How easily. Do you understand? Accidents happen, so fast… and someone you love can be gone like th-that."

My chest burns, my chin wobbles andfuck, memories of Dad have slammed down so hard on the 'grief button' in my heart that I can barely breathe.

"Oh, Colin…" Dav says slowly.

"I can't lose someone I love again, not like that. I couldn't bear it if they did something to you, because of me. Or if something happened and I… I know it doesn't make any sense, I know it'sstupid, but I love you too much to… todothis. Do you get me?"

Without moving at all, Davcrumples.

The next thing costs me a lot to say. It hurts. I feel like I should be spitting up blood as I tell him: "I love you. And I want you to be safe so I'mstaying.But I… I'm not ready to do this. And I don't know… I don't know if I ever will be."

"I'm so sorry—"

"It's not your fault! It’s not you. Okay? It's notyou… it's just everything around you."

Dav makes that awful keening noise again.

The rest of what I was going to say turns to ash on my tongue.

And then I leave the room, because what else can I do?