Page 32

P.S.S. Can I please have my fee back if the stain on the couch comes out?

I jumped out of the bed, two hands raking through my head. Was this person high? Was I triggered? Did Ryan Hill think I was some old cat lady renting out my house for the hell of it? I never disclosed my name, just my initials out of safety. Didn’t want some person Googling me and finding out I had deep pockets. Someone could “slip on the deck” and sue me for damages. “Triggered,” I snorted. I snatched up my phone typing back.

From: homeowner1278

To: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Cleaning Fee/Damage

Triggered? The only thing that triggers me are liars. No, you can’t have jack-shit back. I burned the linens. They cost a few grand. Serena and Lily 500-thread count sheets with real down duvets. Made a nice bonfire. Kept me toasty while ServiceMaster cleaned the shitshow you left behind. Did I mention my white, natural stone counters were stained pink from daiquiri juice? I had to call a stone and granite store. They sent out a worker with a stone-sanding machine. They had to grind the stone, sand it and re-seal it.

No backsies. Goodbye. Good riddance.

P.S. How would you know that gummy’s taste better. Aren’t you a dude? Sorry if my question on your “sexuality” triggers you.

To: homeowner1278

FROM: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Cleaning Fee/Damage

You must be joking? Why would any sane person put such high-end items in a rental? I know you are lying about the counters. I made the margaritas, and I didn’t spill. My trigger are liars too. I think you are just keeping my deposit to make money off me. I’ll see you in small claims court if you don’t release my funds within 48hours. Consider this your notice. Please provide me with copies of your invoice from ServiceMaster, the stone worker, and the Serena and Lily receipts. Since you claim all the damages justify stealing my money.

Ryan

P.S.

I’m a woman and very comfortable with my sexuality.

From: homeowner1278

To: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Cleaning Fee/Damage

Small claims court? I’ll see you there, honey. I’m an attorney. Clearly, you are overly comfortable in your sexuality. I’ve seen the evidence. Do it. File your small claims.

P.S.

You knew what you were doing in your initial inquiry. Misrepresented the situation. Intentionally. I’m going to have your butt in court. (Don’t get any kinky ideas. It’s rhetorical hyperbole a.k.a fancy-ass lawyer term.)

FROM: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Cleaning Fee/Damage

You’re an attorney? Well, that explains the huge stick up your obnoxious behind. Can’t wait to roast your cocky rear end in court. (Don’t get any ideas.) I’m not into paddle play despite what was in the goodie bags. Lighten up, we were just five girls and a stripper having a bit of fun. Sounds like you wouldn’t know how to do that without a “How to Have Fun” book for dummies with page-by-page illustrations.

I read her last email, threw my phone on the bed, paced around my room while daydreaming about all the ways I could “trigger” her. “She has some fucking nerve!” It takes a hell of a lot to get me worked up. Pissed and angry, somewhat horny, if I were being honest—I couldn’t work. Couldn’t sleep. With nothing else to do, and unable to yell at the person of my frustrations, I grabbed my workout clothes. It was almost midnight, but I went out into a light rain and ran a good five miles. Sweaty and out of breath, I checked my phone when I got back. Nothing. I let her have the last word for now, because in the morning. I was going to personally call the attorney for the rental app and threaten all sorts of litigation against them if they don’t bar Ryan Hill from ever renting on their site again. I’d pull the ‘triggered sex card” if I had to.

Just as I was drifting off to sleep my cell pinged.

FROM: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Cleaning Fee/Damage

No response hot shot?

From: homeowner1278