Page 106 of #Moonstruck

Ryan didn’t need my forgiveness.

I needed his.

With some time and distance, I was able to think more clearly about that situation with CeCe. Ryan had been shocked. He hadn’t known, hadn’t kept me in the dark. He hadn’t betrayed me or cheated on me. Something life-altering had been dropped in his lap, right after I’d told him I wanted to be his wife. Where I would promise to love, honor, and support him. Instead of doing any of that, I took off.

Ryan wasn’t like my father.

I was.

Leaving when it suited me, not standing and fighting for my relationship when I should have. Walking away when things got too hard. That wasn’t how relationships were supposed to work.

My Harrison temper had made me do something so dumb.

No,I mentally corrected myself, not willing to keep passing the blame. It wasn’t my DNA that was to blame. My father hadn’t forced me to be a terrible girlfriend. That was a choice I’d made.

A choice I needed to beg Ryan to forgive me for.

Like my mom had said, it was all a waste. Of time, energy, love.

Forgiveness, obviously, had never been my strong suit, and now I was the one who needed it from the man I loved. If he couldn’t forgive me, it was what I deserved for reacting so badly. For saying things to him that were so blatantly untrue. Ryan had never been, and never would be, like my father. Ryan had been attentive, loving, and devoted to me the whole time we were together, despite what the tabloids were saying. And he was that way even before things were official between us.

I also realized I needed to learn to forgive before I could ask for it from other people. Not Ryan. He didn’t need my forgiveness.

My father did.

Or, more accurately,Ineeded to forgive. Parker had been right. I’d never be in a functional relationship if I couldn’t get past my anger at my father. Because the only person my anger was hurting was me. My father was who he was. I didn’t have to let him be a part of my life, but I wanted to stop giving him power over me.

I had to find a way to let go.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I used my new forgiveness guides to help me. To make me into a better person.

Admitting my own faults, that I was the one to blame when it came to Ryan, made it so that I could write music again. Like I’d unlocked some door that had been sealed shut because I wasn’t being true or authentic. Creation couldn’t come from lies.

It came from truth.

And pain.

I also started looking up information on Ryan so I could see what he was up to. I saw more pictures with Skyler that made my stomach twist and turn. After a few calming breaths, I told myself that if he’d moved on with her, well, I deserved that, too. I wanted him to be happy. If it was with someone like her, I’d have to learn to accept it.

My books were making me very Zen.

Then I found a press release where his label announced an upcoming single, a duet between him and Skyler.

That gave me a sliver of hope, something I hadn’t felt in a long time.

If they wanted him to do a duet, maybe all this “Skyler and Ryan are dating” stuff was just publicity.

Maybe, if I could earn his forgiveness, we could find our way back to each other.

I found a recent clip from an entertainment show. An interview. I both wanted to watch it and didn’t want to.

I gave in and pressedPLAY. It hurt my heart to see the animated expression on his beautiful face, to hear his voice. To hear the laughter in it, like he’d totally moved on and wasn’t sitting in a small, dark apartment feeling sorry for himself.

The interviewer asked him about the Moonstruck tour, and I actually forgot to breathe. Would Ryan talk about me?

He told a couple of stories about his bandmates, one about Anton always sleeping, but nothing about Yesterday. Nothing about me.

Until the interviewer asked, “What about you and Maisy Harrison? The lead singer of your opening act? Are you two still together?”