Page 132

“Funny.”
“I’m serious.”
“How do you do it?” I asked, voice cracking. “You’ve always been the best mom. I don’t know if I’m ready.”
“Can I let you in on a little secret?” When I nodded, she leaned closer. “Nobody’s ready.”
“What?”
“Nope.” She shook her head like it was the easiest truth in the world, then sipped her tea. “We’re all out here bullshitting our way through life.”
“Mom,” I chastised, half laughing, half scandalized. “You’reswearingduring a soul-searching chat?”
“What? It’s true.” She nudged the silt with her toes, keeping her swing moving lazily. “So. Do you? Love him?”
I nodded, my throat thick. “But I wanted something better than a panic proposal, you know? I want the whole thing. The fireworks. A kiss he can’t wait to give me. A ring picked just for us. Not some band-aid slapped over a meltdown.”
“You always were a romantic.”
“And is that a bad thing?”
“No. Look who you’re talking to.” Her smile softened. “You don’t get married and knocked up at nineteen without being a hopeless romantic.”
“But it worked out for you and Dad.”
“It did.” Her eyes misted a little. “But the road wasn’t smooth, baby girl. You think I was ready for Jeanne? Let alone Rhyett a year later? I was twenty, married to a man who spent most of his time at sea, with two babies under one year old.”
“Jesus.”
“Is precisely what your father said when I took the second test.”
I burst out laughing, the sound cracking through my chest like sunlight.
When the humor faded, I sniffled pathetically. “How did you do it?”
“Do what—life with someone else?” When I nodded, she gave a knowing smile. “Marriage can be beautiful. And it can make you contemplate the merits of felony charges for attempted—but never completed—strangulation. Both are acceptable stages.”
“Oh my god, Mom. Be serious.”
“I am, honey. I love your daddy, but he’s not always an easy man to like. He can be stubborn as a mule. The same generosity that made me fall in love with him bites me in the ass just as quickly.”
“I don’t get it.”
“The man would donate us out of house and home if I didn’t hover over the budget. Once, we were down to twenty dollars in our account—and half that in cash—and he gave his away to a man on the street. Along with the coat off his back.”
“Sounds like Daddy,” I muttered, smiling despite myself.
“He always had this faith. That God—or the universe—would provide. And it always did,” she added like an afterthought. “Didn’t stop me from wanting to throttle him a time or two. And if you wanna talkimpulsive, your father still holds the crown. You know he proposed to me with a Ring Pop?”
“Yeah,” I said with a laugh. “I just… I wanted to get married because I foundthat—you know? Not because we’re panicking about an unplanned baby.”
She leaned in, voice soft. “Sweetheart, it sounds like Ollie flayed his heart open and flipped it upside down. And now he doesn’t know how to sew it back together. Doesn’t sound to me like he loves you less than you deserve. Sounds like he fell too hard, too fast—and he’s terrified.”
A watery laugh slipped out. “Then why doesn’t he trust me?”
She shook her head. “I don’t think it’s you he doesn’t trust. If I had to guess—and I’ve raised six good men—I’d say he doesn’t trusthimself.”
After Carly… yeah, maybe that tracked. A little. A teeny, tiny bit.