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Reid shuffles his feet. “Yeah, I’ve got something to say.” When I turn to look at him, some of the anger has seeped away from his face. He clears his throat. “Do you know how proud Brady was of you?” His face twists and it looks like he’s wrangling some sort of emotion under control. “For skipping a grade? For being kind of cool for a sister? I guarantee you he would not like this person you are now.” He gestures toward me with a dismissive wave.
My heart cracks, but I slap some super glue on there and harden up. “Cool. Who else?”
“Jesus. Are you even listening?” Reid asks.
I ignore him. I glare at Jules until she shifts uncomfortably. When she lifts her gaze to mine, her eyes round. She tucks her hair behind her ears, and says, “I know you’re super pissed at me right now. For not telling you about this and for telling you I wanted to hang out just so I could bring you here, but you know I care about you.” She takes a deep breath. A small smile flits over her face. It’s not long lived, and it’s almost whimsical in a sense. “Your brother loved you. Hewasproud of you. I’m not going to say he wouldn’t like you now because he would love you no matter what, Briar. But I do know he would be intensely concerned for you.” A single tear runs down her face. “He used to tell me you studied too much. He was concerned about that, so I know for a fact he would be worrying about you right now. If he—” She chokes on her words and starts over. “If he’d been alive when you ran away…” She shakes her head. “Oh, God. He would’ve been devastated.”
I’m trying to strengthen my resolve, but it’s quickly dissipating. It happens every time I think about Brady. I know he’d be worried about me. Hell, I’m worried about myself. I’m making decisions now that are going to change my future, but I can’t fucking stop. How do I tell them this though? How do I tell them I can’t figure out why I’m behaving like this? They won’t get it. “I know,” I tell her.
She’s crying now, tears streaming down her face unchecked. Lex places his arm around her shoulder, and I just stare blankly at the spot they connect. My dad claps her on the back a couple of times while pinching his nose. That’s about as comforting as he gets.
“Right, so…” Mom looks around. “Lex, do you have anything to say to Briar?”
He clams up. His hand falls from Jules’s shoulder, and he looks at me. Guilt is written all over his face. All I can think in that moment is that I’d much rather be spending this time with him in his Civic than talking about all this. He runs a hand down his cheek. “I have something to say, but I’m going to say it to her privately. On top of that, I just want her to know that I want her to get better.”
“I am sitting right here,” I tell him. “You can actually address me.”
Lex’s jaw ticks as he looks me in the eye. “I want you to get better, Briar. I want you better for a whole slew of reasons that I can’t even begin to list, but maybe the number one reason is because you don’t deserve to spend your whole life in Spring Hill, waitressing at that shit diner downtown because you dropped out of high school. But you also don’t deserve to hide away in the big city and still be nothing either. The Briar Page I knew before wouldn’t take any of that. It wasn’t good enough for you then, and it’s not good enough for you now.”
By the time Lex finishes talking, he’s out of breath, and his voice is raised several octaves. I just blink at him. Then, I take a slow perusal around the room to stare at everyone. I don’t know how to end this, but I know I want all of this to end right now. I don’t want to ever think about this again, and I sure as hell never want to go through this again.
“Good,” my mom says, still wiping tears from her face. “Now, Briar, is there anything you have to say? What can we do to help you?”
I shrug. “I’m fine.”
Her lips start to thin. “We’ll do anything to help you. Just tell us what it is.”
“I actually think I just need space. Also, I need to pee.”
Reid’s hands turn to fists at his sides. “You had space when you were in fucking Calcutta for the week,” he roars. “When none of us knew where you fucking were.”
Even my mom jumps at that. I don’t. I’m used to it from him.
“Space isn’t working,” my dad says, taking the more tactical approach and ignoring Reid’s outburst.
I shrug again. “Then I don’t know what to tell you that I need.”I don’t know what I needis the real answer, but I refuse not to have an answer. How can I not know what will make me better? Or better yet, what do I tell them when the only thing that can make me better is impossible? I need Brady. Right here, right now. That’s what I need.
“I told you this would be a waste of time, Pam,” Reid says. He rises from the chair, his face pinched and angry. I’m sure he would’ve rather been at football practice, but I’m not the one who invited him here.
Mom glares at me as if I’ve done something wrong. I watch as Cade and Reid leave. They don’t bother to say goodbye to me, and I wouldn’t have bothered answering if they had. Lex and Jules are still on the couch, my father on the armrest, but all I really want to do is tell Ezra what a fucking mess today was.
Mom returns after the front door opens and closes. She waves her hand in the air. “I guess you guys can leave too. I appreciate you trying everything you can.”
Jules stands. She gives me an apologetic look, then comes over to throw her arms around me. “Don’t hate me.”
I squeeze her back. “Never. Just please don’t do that again.”
She doesn’t answer either way and soon my mother is walking her toward the door.
Lexington Jones rises next. He dwarfs my father who gets to his feet now too. But instead of leaving, Lex says, “Can I have that private conversation with Briar now?”
My stomach drops, and I look to my father for his answer, hoping he’ll say no.
“Sure,” he says. He waves his hand toward me as an invitation. He’s totally exasperated, but it’s about a tenth of the feelings I feel in relation to myself, so I don’t even have the heart to feel sorry for him. He goes out through the kitchen to the garage. It’s his sanctuary away from us. Well, me. He and Brady used to watch football games out there on the TV hanging on the wall.
I turn to head toward my room, grabbing my bookbag from the dining room table first. “Where are you going?” Lex asks.
“To my room. If you want to talk to me, I guess you’ll have to follow me there.”