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It was too much.
Physically, mentally, emotionally, I was depleted.
“So you’re done with it?” Tatum asked, like he knew exactly what was happening in my head.
I sighed.
Shrugged.
“I wish I could say I was and actually believe myself.”
“Damn.” Tatum blew out a long breath. “Love is a motherfucker.”
“A cruel one.”
“Nah,” he corrected, shaking his head. “Love is… consuming, and motivating, and amplifying, and debilitating, all these things it has the possibility to be, but it’s… neutral. Not kind or cruel. That depends on how it’s wielded.”
Eyebrows raised, I nodded. “That take feels quite… experienced, I think is the word I want to use. So the woman who taught you that… how recently did you stomp her heart into the ground?”
“It wasn’t recent at all, for your information,” he huffed, crossing his arms.
“But it happened?”
He inclined his head, conceding. “I can admit I’ve absolutely done my share of fucking up a good thing,” he said. “Young, dumb, arrogant, selfish… all the usual excuses people use. I’ve seen firsthand what hurting somebody who loves you over and over does to them.”
“Somebody who loves you,” I repeated. “Not somebody you love?”
“I’m of the opinion that if you really loved that person, you wouldn’t keep hurting them. You disagree?”
“I think it’s more complicated than that. It’s not that black and white.”
Tatum met my gaze, with zero pity—that would’ve killed me—but all the kindness in the world in his eyes when he countered, “I think you want to believe that because you know you deserve better.”
My eyes widened a bit, processing his words before I looked away, staring at my empty glass. There those tears were, back again uninvited.
I cleared my throat, shaking away the feeling. “I think… I’m going to have another drink. Or three.”
He chuckled. “I think… I’m going to have your keys, ’cause there’s no way you should drive if you’re going to do that.”
“Jokes on you, I’m not actually parked here,” I quipped. “I’m like a block away, and it’s late, and the very last thing I want to do is make that lonely ass drive out to the boonies anyway. I’m going to just get a room for the night, instead of driving back home to...”
I didn’t finish.
Didn’t want to say it out loud.
He looked at me expectantly, waiting on me to complete the statement, but I couldn’t make myself do it. I was pathetic enough without admitting I didn’t want to be alone. I was always freaking alone.
Of course I had my girls to hang with, but when the link up was over, they were going home to partners, kids, making hook-up arrangements if they wanted.
I was going to an empty bed.
It came with the territory of being in a relationship with a professional athlete who was traveling all the time, sure.
But it didn’t help that with the time he did get… I clearly wasn’t his priority.
“Getting a room is probably a good idea,” Tatum said, when he realized I wasn’t going to be forthcoming with my broken statement.
I ran my fingers along the rim of the glass, trying to calm my trembling hands as I looked up.