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“That looks pretty bad, Quinn. Does it hurt?”
“Not really. It’s just ugly.”
I again try to pull away, but Jeff keeps my hand trapped in his. “Your hand is shaking.”
“Is it?”
I look to the street, pretending to be absorbed by the passing of a silver Cadillac Escalade. There’s no way I can look Jeff in the eyes. Not when he’s being so sweetly concerned about me.
“Promise me you’ll see a doctor if it gets any worse.”
“I will,” I say brightly. “I promise.”
I drink more wine after that, emptying the carafe and ordering another before Jeff can protest. Frankly, wine is exactly what I need. The alcohol combined with the Xanax I took as soon as I got home from the park makes me feel deliciously relaxed. Gone is the pain in my back and shoulders. I barely even think about Sam or Lisa or Rocky Ruiz. When I do, I simply reach for more wine until the thought passes.
On the way back from the bistro, Jeff holds my good hand. He leans down to kiss me when we stop at a crosswalk, slipping his tongue into my mouth just enough to send a heady shiver of desire running through me. Once home, we make out in the elevator, not caring about the camera installed in the corner or the sweaty, potbellied security guard probably watching us on a monitor in the basement.
Inside the apartment, we get as far as the foyer before I’m on my knees, taking Jeff into my mouth, liking the way he moans so loud I’m sure the neighbors can hear through the walls. When one of his hands holds my head in place, I reach back and curl his fingers around a length of hair, hoping he’ll tug on it.
I need it to hurt. Just a little.
I deserve the pain.
Later, in bed, Jeff lets me pick the movie. I chooseVertigo. When the opening credits start to swirl across the screen in all their trippy, Technicolor glory, I lie down tight against Jeff and spread my arm across his chest. We watch the movie in silence, Jeff dozing off and on through most of it. But he’s awake during the climax, when Jimmy Stewart drags poor Kim Novak up those bell-tower steps, begging for the truth.
“I don’t have to go,” he says once the movie’s over. “To Chicago. I can stay here if you want.”
“It’s important that you go. Plus, you won’t be gone long, right?”
“Three days.”
“They’ll fly by.”
“You can come with me,” Jeff says. “I mean, if you want.”
“Won’t you be busy?”
“Swamped, actually. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself. You love Chicago. Think of it—a nice hotel, deep-dish pizza, some museums.”
Lying with my head on Jeff’s shoulder, I can hear the quickening of his heart. It’s clear he really wants me to go. I do too. I’d love to replace this city with another, just for a few days. Long enough to forget about what I’ve done.
But I can’t. Not with Sam still around. By leading me to the spot where I attacked Rocky Ruiz, Sam made it abundantly clear that she’s doing me a favor by keeping quiet. One wrong move on my part could upset the careful balance of our lives. Sam now has the power to destroy us.
“What about Sam?” I say. “We can’t just leave her here alone.”
“She’s not a dog, Quinn. She can take care of herself for a couple of days.”
“I’d feel bad. Besides, it’s not as if she’s going to be staying here much longer.”
“It’s not about that,” Jeff says. “I’m worried about you, Quinn. Something’s not right. You’ve been acting strange ever since she got here.”
I start to slide away from him. It had been such a good night until he started talking.
“I’ve had a lot to deal with.”
“And I know that. It’s a crazy, stressful time for you. But I just feel like there’s something else going on. Something you’re not telling me.”
I lie on my back and close my eyes. “I’m fine.”