Page 45

There was only silence in response. I went around to the side and peered in another window, a kitchen window. I didn't see him, but something else caught my attention. There was an envelope propped against the salt shaker at the center of the table, and I could make out Heaven written on the front of it. I could also see that the door leading down to the basement had been left open. Troy had assumed that I would come to his cottage only through the tunnels, I thought. I tested the window to see if it would open, but it had been latched shut. All of the windows were latched shut.

Frustrated and with mounting dread of what I would discover in that letter I went back through the maze to Farthy and snuck behind the kitchen to the doorway to the tunnel. I hurried through it to the cellar of the cottage and up the stairs into the kitchen. Catching my breath, I scooped up the envelope.

My heart was beating so hard, I had to sit down before tearing the envelope open. Then I pulled out the sheet of stationery within and began to read.

.

My dear, dear forbidden love,

.

Now, more than ever, last night seems like a dream. So many times this past year I had the fantasy, that now, now that it actually came to pass, I find it hard to believe it really happened.

I sat he thinking about you, recalling our precious moments, your warm embrace, the softness in your eyes and in your touch, I had to get up and go to my bed to search for strands of your hair, which, thank God, I found. I shall have a locket made for them and wear them, close to my heart. It comforts me to know that I shall have something of you always with me.

I had hoped to remain here a while longer, even though I recognized it would be a torture, and from time to time spy on you at Farthy. It would have brought me pleasure as well as some pain to see you walking over the grounds or sitting and reading. I would have been like a foolish schoolboy. I know.

This morning, not long after you left me, Tony came to the cottage and told me the news, news I expect you will be bringing to me, too. Only by the time you arrive I will be gone. I know it seems cruel of me to leave Tony at a time like this, but I gave him all the comfort I could while he was here and we had a chance to talk.

I did not tell him about us, about your visit last night. He does not know you know of my existence. I couldn't add that to his troubles at this time. Perhaps there will be a time in the future when you feel he should know. I leave that to you.

You are probably wondering why I feel it necessary to leave so quickly after Jillian's death.

My dear Heaven, as hard as it may be for you to understand, I feel somewhat responsible. The truth is I enjoyed tormenting her with my presence. As I told you, she saw me a few times and I knew it shocked her each time. I could have told her the truth, that I was not dead, that I was no ghost, but I chose to let her believe she was seeing a spirit. I wanted her to suffer some guilt, for even though it wasn't her fault you were born Tony's daughter, I always resented her for telling me, for exposing that horrible truth between you and me. She was always a very jealous person, resentful of the affection Tony had for me, even when I was just a little boy.

Now I feel terribly guilty about it all. I had no right to punish her. I should have realized it would only bring pain to Tony and even to you. It seems that I bring sadness and tragedy to everyone around me. Of course, Tony doesn't feel this way. He didn't want me to leave, but in the end I convinced him it was best.

Please stand by him during this time of great need, and comfort him as best you can. You will be acting for both of us.

I expect you and I shall never set eyes upon each other again or touch each other the way we touched each other last night. But the memory of you is so engraved in my heart that I take you with me no matter where I go.

.

Forever and ever, Troy

.

I folded the letter neatly and put it back into the envelope. Then I stood up and went to the front door. I unlocked it and turned to look about the cottage one more time, then I left, locking the door behind me. Without turning to look back again, I rushed into the maze and ran through the corridors of hedges, pursued by the sound of my own sobs, running harder and faster in hope of fleeing that part of me that had lived in the-dream. Now it was cursed to wander forever, lost in this maze.

NINE Old and New Lives

I WAS IN OUR SUITE LYING IN BED WHEN LOGAN FINALLY arrived. I had cried myself to sleep, and awakened with my throat raw, my heart like a stone in my chest. I just lay there staring up at the ceiling. Sorrow had seized me and made me its own silent creature. I didn't even turn to greet Logan as he came through the bedroom door.

"Heaven!" He rushed to my side and hugged me. Even though I felt limp in his arms, I welcomed the feel of his strong, comforting embrace and the rich scent of his manly cologne.

"Poor Heaven," he crooned, stroking my neck. I lowered my head

to his shoulder. I felt false, betraying him, knowing he thought he was soothing sorrow brought about solely because of Jillian, but I let him go on. He pressed his face to mine and kissed me.

"It must have been terrible for you," he said. "I'm sorry I wasn't here when you found her. Tony's taking it very badly," he added. "I stopped by his office to see him on my way up to you and he would barely talk. Is there anything left to do? Anything I could help with? I couldn't get him to say."

"I don't think so," I said, shaking my head. I looked at him, my faithful, devoted Logan, energetic, optimistic, and determined. He was healthy and strong and vibrant. He seemed incapable of being depressed or diminished. His sapphire eyes were full of hope and life. Even now, even during these troubled times, he still possessed the same demeanor of assurance he had when I had first set eyes on him.

How different in temperament he was from Troy, who always lived under a threatening cloud of sorrow. True, Logan wasn't as sensitive or as poetic, but at this time I welcomed his sunshine like the grass and the wild flowers in the Willies welcomed the sun's rays that slipped through the gloom of the forest. I knew he would always be there to lean on, should I need to or want to. He was my source of strength, my Rock of Gibraltar.

During the days of mourning, Logan kept in constant contact with his office in Winnerow, but he had the decency to carry on his business out of sight and hearing and rarely, if ever, mentioned it. Tony didn't want to talk about anything but Jillian.

Visitors began to arrive the day after Jillian's death. It fell to me to be the hostess to greet and thank them. The day before the funeral there were over a hundred people at Earthy. Rye Whiskey prepared trays and trays of food and drink. All the servants were wonderfully supportive and terribly concerned about Tony. I saw how much they respected and even loved him.