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“You know what I mean.” Alex started putting on her clothes. “But I’ve never pretended to anyone I wanted a relationship, I’ve never lied about who I am or what I want.”

“Hmm,” said Philippa, Alex’s words catching her off guard. “Whereas I have.” She sat on the bed, wearing just her underwear.

“Hey,” said Alex, “what did I say?” She moved to sit by Philippa.

“Sorry, it’s not you. I mean, you’re right. You’ve never lied. But I have. I lied to myself all those years, and to Paul. And to everyone I know.” Philippa pulled a t-shirt over her head.

Alex put an arm around Philippa’s shoulders. “But that’s different. It wasn’t a malicious lie, or a selfish one. It was a complicated one, laced with denial and confusion.” She dropped a kiss on Philippa’s cheek.

“Perhaps,” said Philippa. “But for at least the last five years I’ve known I needed to address who I really am.”

“And now you have,” said Alex. “And the thing I love about you is that there isn’t a hint of bitterness to you, you don’t seem to resent the years you spent with Paul. You’re just here in the moment, wanting to enjoy life.”

Philippa smiled, feeling a little better for the reassurance. But there was something else nagging at the back of her mind. “And here I am, in the moment, wanting to enjoy my life. Enjoying you.” She got up and picked up a pair of jeans to pull on. “But I’m going to be completely honest. I want this to be more than just sex. I want to be more than just someone you have fun with for a little while.” Philippa zipped up her trousers and fastened the button. She looked down at Alex. “I know this isn’t cool, and I’m very much not playing hard to get, but I really do want to have a real relationship with you, Alex. And being even more honest, I feel things. I don’t think I can do any more of this with you if I don’t think that you might feel those things, too.”

“Feel things?” echoed Alex, thoughtfully. She pulled on her socks.

“Yes,” said Philippa, who was organising her hair in the mirror, trying to distract herself from how invested she was in Alex’s response to her monologue. “And aside from all of that, my help around getting you access to Seren has absolutely nothing to do with what I’ve just said. Whatever happens now, whatever we do, whether we have a relationship or not, you have my help, support and friendship.”

“And that,” said Alex, “is precisely why I am beginning to ‘feel things’, as you put it, as well.”

“You are?” asked Philippa, daring to look at Alex.

“Yes. And I’m completely terrified by the prospect. The last time I had a serious relationship I ended up in the place I am now – at the whim of someone I no longer respect, fighting desperately just to get access to my own daughter.” Alex frowned.

“I can completely understand that.” Philippa moved to where Alex was sitting on the bed and knelt in front of her. She took Alex’s hands. “I don’t need you to commit to me here and now. I just want to know that it’s a possibility.”

“It’s definitely a possibility,” said Alex, smiling down at Philippa. “But don’t you want to have some fun? Play the field? Meet all the girls?”

“Have you seen the field?” asked Philippa. “Because I’m not sure I want it. I don’t have any need to be with anyone other than the person I’m…” she stopped herself. “The person in front of me right now. I’m forty-six years old. I don’t have time to mess around practising. I want the real thing.”

“That is so very you, Phil,” said Alex with a laugh. She pulled Philippa up so they could stand opposite one another. “Ok, here’s the deal. I, Alex Fletcher, feel things for you, Philippa Samfire. I promise that you are not a notch on my bedpost, or merely someone to have fun with. Although that doesn’t preclude us from having fun.”

Philippa smiled and tucked a lock of Alex’s damp hair behind her ear.

Alex continued. “I don’t know where this will lead, but I know I want to find out, and I want to do that with you. I’m a horrible scaredy cat, so I can’t promise not to have a few wobbles along the way. But I can promise to tell you if I do.”

“Deal,” said Philippa, holding out her hand to shake Alex’s.

“A lawyer to the last, I see,” said Alex.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Philippa knocked on Roderick’s door and entered his office. She needed a favour, and for once, he was the person who could help.

“Morning, Philippa,” he said, a wary smile on his face. “How are you this morning?”

“Fine, thanks,” she said. “Did you pick up the emails I sent you last night?”

“Mm, yes,” he said. “Why don’t you take a seat?”

Philippa sat on one of the easy chairs by a small coffee table, and Roderick sat in the other. “Ordinarily I would handle a client of this nature myself,” she said.

“Yes,” said Roderick. “I was wondering about that.”

“I have something of a conflict of interest when it comes to this case.” Philippa shuffled in her seat. “Alex Fletcher is my, um, well, she’s my girlfriend.”

Was she? Philippa wasn’t really sure, but for the purposes of getting this done, she needed a way of explaining to Roderick what was happening.