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Lennon

Ihave my first therapy appointment to work on loosening the hold that Xav’s fucked up experiments still have on me. Everyone who knew about the code word is dead, or should be. But it doesn’t change the fact that I am still terrified someone may find his notes about me.

I don’t want to be used as a weapon. What if someone makes me hurt my children? The guys? My sister?

I’m spiraling in my own thoughts when Orion covers my hand with his as he drives.

“Take a breath for me, Little Love,” he insists, squeezing gently.

I was holding my breath.My chest loosens as I breathe, and I curse at myself for getting so lost in my thoughts.

“You’re not dumb,” he admonishes.

“I didn’t realize I said that,” I complain.

“You’re projecting really loudly, but you did say that. So, take a breath and talk to me. Maybe I can help.”

Orion offered to take me to therapy today, and I agreed because I know that he can talk me down. Or at the very least sit on me so I won’t hurt anyone.

“I’m scared that I’m going to hurt someone one day,” I confess. “You or the guys, or God… the kids.”

“Never going to happen, you know why?” O asks. He looks so confident, and I need some of that right now.

“Why?” I rasp, tears starting to escape my eyes.

“You’re stronger than you think. You’d never hurt someone that doesn’t deserve it. To prove it to you, I want to trigger you today,” he says.

“Orion.” My mouth gapes at him as he shakes his head.

“Close your mouth before you catch flies or I give you something to suck,” he growls. My teeth click, that’s how fast I shut it. “Now, let’s walk through why I want to do this, okay?”

“Mmhmm,” I say, refusing to open my mouth.

“Brat. Okay, we can do it Dr. Bradley’s way, but I want your permission to trigger you. I’ll tell you to hurt me. It’s the only way you’ll be able to trust yourself again.”

“What if I hurt you,” I whisper.

“I need you to trust that you won’t, Baby. You’re so damn strong. That night in the woods you were willing to end it all so that you wouldn’t be used as a weapon. I want you to know that you can do this,” Orion says insistently.

I think about that as he pulls into the parking lot and I nod, agreeing. I’ve survived a lot of things, I just hope that I can do this.

Together, we walk inside of the building to Dr. Bradley’s office. She is waiting for us, and I vaguely remember her saying that she was going to dismiss her secretary for the afternoon.

Just in case.

“Hi, Lennon,” she says serenely. She doesn’t look nervous, and that helps to settle me a bit.

“Hey, Dr. Bradley. I have to confess that I’m a little nervous,” I tell her as we sit down. “I hate that I can’t trust myself not to hurt someone.”

“That’s why I want to walk through some of the things that Dr. Xav would say before he or his staff would trigger you before we go back to the day where Grant and he decided they were going to use you as a weapon,” Dr. Bradley explains. “It may get difficult, but that’s okay. Your brain needs to process all of this so we can break the control it has on you.”

Nodding, I think back to Hidden Hills.

“Dr. Xav liked to punish me when I wouldn’t do what he wanted me to,” I begin. “He enjoyed hurting me, waterboarding me—”

“Asphyxiating you too,” Orion mutters uncomfortably. I can understand why, since he helped Dr. Xav under the guise of being on his team.

“Yes.” I nod. “He’d wake me up every time I passed out. When he thought I had had enough or I just angered him, he or one of his staff would mutter the trigger word and then zap me with the electric shock wand.”