Page 43
Story: Deep as the Dead
Ethan looked away. The images were still clutched in one hand. He shoved his free hand in his pocket. “I’m sorry about yourmom.”
Surprisingly, her eyes filled. It’d been a long time since she’d shed tears over her mother. She’d lost her a little at a time from the moment Thomas Reisman entered their lives. But it’d been a long day, one steeped in emotion. “Thankyou.”
“How’d shedie?”
“Breast cancer, from what I heard. Untreated, of course.” She heard the bitterness in her tone. Was helpless to control it. “I’m sure her husband convinced her the power of prayer was greater than any medical treatment couldbe.”
“When did it happen?” He sat gingerly down on the bed next toher.
“Fifteen months after we left Truro.” The last time Alexa had seen her mother there had been censure in her eyes. Judgment on her lips. Alexa didn’t think she’d realized until that moment just how thoroughly Reisman had transformed thewoman.
“Did you ever…reconnect?”
He’d once known how badly her mother’s rejection had hurt her. Because although she’d never shared all, she’d opened up more to Ethan than anyone else. He may not have understood but he’d sympathized. And he’d hurt, once upon a time, when shehurt.
The memories were a slippery slope. One misstep and a deluge of unwanted recollections would flood forth. The emotions roiling and careening inside her were unwelcome. Alexa had thought they were dealt with. Properly identified, processed and tucked neatly away to be examined occasionally with a clinical detachment. She pressed a fist to her mouth. Tried to formulate ananswer.
“I tried once. I had the neighbor’s number. Willa Satler. A bit of a busybody, but she was kind to me. I called her and she agreed to speak to my mother sometime when Reisman was out. She told my mom she had my number and that she could use her phone to call me.” After all these years, the memory still had fangs. “She declined.”She turned her face from God, now our faces are turned fromher.
“She was completely under her husband’sthumb.”
“I thought so at the time,” Alexa said wearily. “But it was more than that. Like an abuse victim, which of course she was. Or someone brainwashed by a cult. He just...erased her, a tiny bit every day. Until there was really nothing of her there anymore. Just what he’d remade herinto.”
“You and she both got robbed. You of a childhood. Her of alife.”
His words were no more than the truth. But Alexa had gotten out, and her escape was wrapped up in Ethan all those years ago. Rebecca Reisman had never gotten thechance.
It was easy to be reminded, sitting next to him, of the attraction he’d held for her all those years ago. Alexa could have resisted the teenage Adonis looks, the confidence and slight swagger of a boy used to female attention. But beneath it all, she’d discovered a generous heart and a capacity for caring that had been its own seduction. His sense of adventure had awakened her own. It was little wonder that, although she’d stepped cautiously, she’d fallen hard andfast.
“My dad moved from here when he retired. Went to Kingston,Ontario.”
She froze, sensing a trap. “I hope he’s well,” she saidcarefully.
“I figured you knew, since the two of you have been corresponding since youleft.”
Her gaze snapped to meet his. “Howdid…”
Ethan’s expression was neutral. “I found a letter in his desk when he had heart surgery about ten years ago and we were taking care of things for him. It was clear you’d kept intouch.”
She could understand if Ethan regarded that as a betrayal. But he didn’t seem angry. More…resigned.
“I asked him about it later when he was feeling better, and he told me the whole thing. How he’d given you the money to leave when you went to him. He said ‘Son, the girl had her mind made up. I wasn’t going to let her go without making sure she’d besafe.’”
Her heart shredded all over again. “He’s a goodman.”
“He is. I was pretty pissed at him for a while but I finally figured he was right.” His expression had gone bleak. “You were set onleaving.”
“You know why.” The whisper felt like it was torn fromher.
“I know what you said. Hell, maybe in another twenty years, I’ll even agree with your logic.” He bounced up from the bed, as if compelled to move. “All I knew then was first there was a baby, and then there wasn’t. First I had a wife, and then Ididn’t.”
Had she really ever believed they could work together on the case and not have this conversation? It was all too easy to be transported back twenty years. To feel anew the heartbreak of losing their baby girl only weeks before they should have been holding her in their arms. The months afterward, sleepwalking through the pain and loss. Before Alexa had come to the one decision that would be best for Ethan. “You were exhausted from your studies, hockey, and the part-time job. We both knew you were good enough to go pro. Your coach told you that. The only thing holding you back wasme.”
“You were my wife.” His face, his tone, was just as implacable as it’d been backthen.
“But I wouldn’t have been if not for the baby. We both know that,” she added gently. “Some things are absolutes. The grass is green. The sky is blue. And Ethan Manning will always, always do the right thing.” In that way, his career choice made perfect sense. “You couldn’t see beyond your sense of duty. But once I removed that obligation, I knew your future would get a lot brighter.” That’s what she’d told him at the time, and she’d been right. With her gone, he could quit the part-time job. Concentrate on the sport and his classes. And three years after she was gone he’d been a second-round draft pick. He’d had the life he’d always said hewanted.
“Replaying the same argument from back then is just as useless now.” There was a heat in his pale blue eyes. A dangerous burn. “It shouldn’t matter. Do you know how many times since you’ve come that I’ve reminded myself of that? We were kids. It wasn’t real, it wouldn’t have lasted. I told myself the same things whenever I allowed myself to think of you. And then you showed up here, and everything I’d been telling myself explodes in my face. Because there’s still something there, and you’re lying to yourself if you won’t admitit.”
Surprisingly, her eyes filled. It’d been a long time since she’d shed tears over her mother. She’d lost her a little at a time from the moment Thomas Reisman entered their lives. But it’d been a long day, one steeped in emotion. “Thankyou.”
“How’d shedie?”
“Breast cancer, from what I heard. Untreated, of course.” She heard the bitterness in her tone. Was helpless to control it. “I’m sure her husband convinced her the power of prayer was greater than any medical treatment couldbe.”
“When did it happen?” He sat gingerly down on the bed next toher.
“Fifteen months after we left Truro.” The last time Alexa had seen her mother there had been censure in her eyes. Judgment on her lips. Alexa didn’t think she’d realized until that moment just how thoroughly Reisman had transformed thewoman.
“Did you ever…reconnect?”
He’d once known how badly her mother’s rejection had hurt her. Because although she’d never shared all, she’d opened up more to Ethan than anyone else. He may not have understood but he’d sympathized. And he’d hurt, once upon a time, when shehurt.
The memories were a slippery slope. One misstep and a deluge of unwanted recollections would flood forth. The emotions roiling and careening inside her were unwelcome. Alexa had thought they were dealt with. Properly identified, processed and tucked neatly away to be examined occasionally with a clinical detachment. She pressed a fist to her mouth. Tried to formulate ananswer.
“I tried once. I had the neighbor’s number. Willa Satler. A bit of a busybody, but she was kind to me. I called her and she agreed to speak to my mother sometime when Reisman was out. She told my mom she had my number and that she could use her phone to call me.” After all these years, the memory still had fangs. “She declined.”She turned her face from God, now our faces are turned fromher.
“She was completely under her husband’sthumb.”
“I thought so at the time,” Alexa said wearily. “But it was more than that. Like an abuse victim, which of course she was. Or someone brainwashed by a cult. He just...erased her, a tiny bit every day. Until there was really nothing of her there anymore. Just what he’d remade herinto.”
“You and she both got robbed. You of a childhood. Her of alife.”
His words were no more than the truth. But Alexa had gotten out, and her escape was wrapped up in Ethan all those years ago. Rebecca Reisman had never gotten thechance.
It was easy to be reminded, sitting next to him, of the attraction he’d held for her all those years ago. Alexa could have resisted the teenage Adonis looks, the confidence and slight swagger of a boy used to female attention. But beneath it all, she’d discovered a generous heart and a capacity for caring that had been its own seduction. His sense of adventure had awakened her own. It was little wonder that, although she’d stepped cautiously, she’d fallen hard andfast.
“My dad moved from here when he retired. Went to Kingston,Ontario.”
She froze, sensing a trap. “I hope he’s well,” she saidcarefully.
“I figured you knew, since the two of you have been corresponding since youleft.”
Her gaze snapped to meet his. “Howdid…”
Ethan’s expression was neutral. “I found a letter in his desk when he had heart surgery about ten years ago and we were taking care of things for him. It was clear you’d kept intouch.”
She could understand if Ethan regarded that as a betrayal. But he didn’t seem angry. More…resigned.
“I asked him about it later when he was feeling better, and he told me the whole thing. How he’d given you the money to leave when you went to him. He said ‘Son, the girl had her mind made up. I wasn’t going to let her go without making sure she’d besafe.’”
Her heart shredded all over again. “He’s a goodman.”
“He is. I was pretty pissed at him for a while but I finally figured he was right.” His expression had gone bleak. “You were set onleaving.”
“You know why.” The whisper felt like it was torn fromher.
“I know what you said. Hell, maybe in another twenty years, I’ll even agree with your logic.” He bounced up from the bed, as if compelled to move. “All I knew then was first there was a baby, and then there wasn’t. First I had a wife, and then Ididn’t.”
Had she really ever believed they could work together on the case and not have this conversation? It was all too easy to be transported back twenty years. To feel anew the heartbreak of losing their baby girl only weeks before they should have been holding her in their arms. The months afterward, sleepwalking through the pain and loss. Before Alexa had come to the one decision that would be best for Ethan. “You were exhausted from your studies, hockey, and the part-time job. We both knew you were good enough to go pro. Your coach told you that. The only thing holding you back wasme.”
“You were my wife.” His face, his tone, was just as implacable as it’d been backthen.
“But I wouldn’t have been if not for the baby. We both know that,” she added gently. “Some things are absolutes. The grass is green. The sky is blue. And Ethan Manning will always, always do the right thing.” In that way, his career choice made perfect sense. “You couldn’t see beyond your sense of duty. But once I removed that obligation, I knew your future would get a lot brighter.” That’s what she’d told him at the time, and she’d been right. With her gone, he could quit the part-time job. Concentrate on the sport and his classes. And three years after she was gone he’d been a second-round draft pick. He’d had the life he’d always said hewanted.
“Replaying the same argument from back then is just as useless now.” There was a heat in his pale blue eyes. A dangerous burn. “It shouldn’t matter. Do you know how many times since you’ve come that I’ve reminded myself of that? We were kids. It wasn’t real, it wouldn’t have lasted. I told myself the same things whenever I allowed myself to think of you. And then you showed up here, and everything I’d been telling myself explodes in my face. Because there’s still something there, and you’re lying to yourself if you won’t admitit.”
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