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I propped up on an elbow. The fire crackled in the stone hearth, spitting embers into the autumn breeze.

“The Lakota widow was in the midst of great famine when she fell sick with pneumonia. As she lay dying, she strengthened her mind through thaumaturgy and entered the spirit world as a spirit walker.”

Another puff from his pipe. “The first day, a raven visited her, with wings as blue as midnight. From his talon, he dropped leaves from a creosote bush. The second day, he brought pleurisy root. The third day, he left wormwood. The fourth day, he returned, talons empty, and found her sicker yet. He asked her if she boiled his gifts and drank them in tea. She shook her head. Then she exhaled her last breath.”

He reflected a moment. “A gift ignored is a gift without utility.”

I lay back on my blanket. The stars, like tiny pupils, winked at me, called to me. Akicita considered my othersense a gift. It was Annie who led me to the Lakota. And Aaron who lured me to the nymph cabin. And the string inside me, always tugging east? I didn’t want it. But it was there, insistent. My tea leaves were clear.

“We’re coming with you.” Naalnish paced behind me.

The ache in my chest swelled. They weren’t trying to stop me. No, they understood this thing, even if I didn’t. They called it a vision quest. I pressed my fingers to my breastbone, against the burden I bore there.

Leaving them behind was the last thing I wanted. But they were happy there. They belonged in the mountains, amongst the unity of nature and the safety of isolation. Images of them climbing over twisted metal and wielding guns to protect me instilled a new breed of terror deep in my gut.

Besides, the fucked-up-ness that was going on with my body and memories, I didn’t want that shit to touch them. Their harmony was the last beautiful thing left on the planet. It was my journey, my burden. So, for the umpteenth time, “No. You’re not.”

Next to our beds, the stream had widened as summer trickled to fall. Jesse sat on the opposite shore. Nightfall hid his eyes, but I knew they were on me. They always were.

“Boston’s far,” Badger said. “A lot could go wrong between here and there.”

“Not considering the danger traveling overseas and whatever awaits you there,” Naalnish said.

Which was why I refused to let them join me.

“Leave her be,” Akicita said from his bed roll.

Jesse leaned against a tree, his bow at one side. Always near, yet so far away.

I stretched on my side, the rabbit skin bedding soft against my face.

Badger settled in behind me and I froze, waiting for the contact that would follow. When my outbursts woke the camp night after night, we confirmed Joel’s suspicions. Contact while sleeping, bare skin against mine, quelled my nightmares. Naalnish and Badger slept against me, shirtless—as Badger was doing at that moment—with a bare arm around my waist, under my clothes.

They never abused my trust. Maybe I owed them the intimacy, but my guilt was exceeded by my fear of loving them, then losing them.

He whispered at my ear, “You watch him the way he watches you.”

I grunted. Jesse was another story. I wanted to unearth the man who watched me. The man who revealed his humanity six months earlier in the throes of a heartbroken nymph. His frown never returned after that day. But a smile didn’t replace it. His mouth remained a pinched slit, as if to trap the sentiment his eyes betrayed.

“Who’s going to help you chase away the bad dreams?” Badger asked.

“If there’s no one around to hear them, does it matter?”

His forehead dropped to my shoulder and his arm tightened around my waist. I knew my decision to go alone would be the hardest on him. In the morning, my last morning with the Lakota, would I be able to stand by that decision?

Naalnish said, “I mapped what should be the safest route to Boston. And I checked the Humvee.” The corners of his mouth fell, lengthening his narrow face. “It still runs.”

I gave him a small smile.

“You still haven’t told us how you’re getting to Europe.”

I’d been avoiding that question. We hadn’t seen a plane overhead since the outbreak. But Jesse assured us transatlantic exports still ran by ship from Boston. How he knew, he wouldn’t say. Assuming security wasn’t an issue, maybe I could board as a disguised passenger. Although, when I played out that scenario in my head, it ended in a violent pornography. Just a moment’s recognition and I would be a woman trapped on a ship full of men. “I’m still working on that.”

Jesse lowered his head and pushed a hand through the thick waves of his hair. Then he rose and waded across the stream. My pulse kicked up as he neared. He pulled a notepad from his pack and handed it to Naalnish. “She can smuggle inside a container on a cargo ship.”