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“You can’t say things like that to me. When you do, I so want to believe you. And then…”
“Will it be enough for you? Just once? If you think it will be, then we won’t be making love. We’ll be fucking. Fucking doesn’t mean anything. You can walk away from fucking and not be tempted to look back. Is that how you feel about me?”
I shook my head.
“Say it.”
“That isn’t how I feel.”
“Because if it is, my heart will be broken.”
I looked into his eyes. “It isn’t.”
This time when he kissed me, he turned my body so it was no longer pressed against the wall. His powerful arms held me close, and I clung to him, knowing things between us were about to change. My life would never be the same. Even if it turned out this was the only time our bodies would be joined together, it would be worth it. For the rest of my life, I’d carry the memory of the first time I made love with someone. Every time before had been just sex. Just fucking. Fucking, you could walk away from and never look back.
Zeppelin—Henry—rested my body on the bed. As soon as our bodies no longer touched, I felt empty, lost, so alone. I reached out for him. “I need you,” I whispered.
He lay beside me and pulled my body against his. “I’m right here.”
“Don’t stop touching me.”
“Never, if you’ll only let me.”
“Henry.”
He closed his eyes and shuddered. “Do you know what it does to me when you say my name?”
“Henry,” I repeated, breathing the word more than saying it. “My Henry.” At least for now. For today. Forever in my memory.
19
ZEPPELIN
When Alena called me hers, I had to hold myself back from tearing the clothes from both our bodies and sinking my cock into her. In so many words, I’d told her we’d be making love. I needed it to be that way as much as I wanted it. I hadn’t lied when I said if she didn’t want the same thing, I’d be heartbroken. There was nothing simple, nothing typical, not even anything familiar in my relationship with her. From the beginning, it was different. No one had driven me as crazy as she had. The times I’d felt like throttling her were met by an equal number that I wanted to fuck her senseless.
Except that wasn’t what I wanted anymore.
I took my time, lavishing kisses on her mouth, face, and neck. I thought about the one and only time my lips had been on her nipples, dying for them to be there again, but I forced myself to take this slow. To learn her body. To discover all the things that brought her pleasure. To hear her beg me for release. Beg me to feel me inside her.
“My Alena,” I whispered when my mouth was close to her ear, wanting her to feel the power of those words like I had.The way they’d coursed through my body, heating my blood, warming my heart, and setting my desire on fire.
I rolled with her so she was on her back, then snaked my hands under her pullover. Her skin felt so warm; I longed to know how it would feel pressed against mine.
“Wait.”
I froze, praying she wasn’t about to stop me.
“I have to be me,” she said, stroking the wig with her hand.
“Can I do it?”
Her brow was furrowed, but she nodded, removing the pins that held the wig in place. Together, we took it off. I looked into her blue eyes, made that way by contacts.
“Do you need to take those out?”
When she said she did, I started to move away, but she held onto me with one hand and reached for a tissue with the other. “They’re disposable,” she said, removing one, then the other.
“There you are,” I said, diving deep into the warmth of her eyes. I slid my hands back under her pullover, then pushed the cups of her bra out of my way.