Page 63 of Chasing the Horizon
Alex sat beside them for a little while, alternating between beaming at her and eating another brownie or cookie or s’more. He looked like he’d been through a car accident, too, but more one of the spirit than of the body. He’d taken a break from working on his documentary, which Valerie felt sorrowful about. She’d already told him to get back in it, but he’d said, “No. I want to enjoy these months with you. That documentary isn’t going anywhere.”
Valerie couldn’t believe they’d been given yet another chance at happiness.
When Alex went inside to grab another diet soda, Valerie sat on the porch for a little while by herself, enjoying the beautiful night, the chill in the air, and the weight of her baby in her arms. Rebecca and Bethany popped over to say hello and check on her but were soon drawn back toward the fire for conversations with their children or to help put melted marshmallows on grahamcrackers. Valerie knew she’d be out there in some years, doing the same.
It was then that the back door opened, and her father came outside.
Since Valerie woke up, she and her father hadn’t been alone together. He stalled, suddenly nervous, his jaw stiff. She wondered if he wanted to run back inside and hide from her. But that version of Victor Sutton had been left behind, it seemed. He’d left that version behind when Kade had come to live with them, when he’d forced himself to call Dr. Frank Gallagher and start the long and dramatic healing process. He’d certainly proven himself. He’d called Dr. Hannah Benson and said, “Keep going. Life is worth so much more than your guilt.” He’d reached into the night and found Max Marrow and said, “Love your children. They aren’t around forever.” He’d done so much for those around him.
But what was it about father-child relationships that made them often so difficult? What made it so hard to love the people you were meant to love in a way that was perfect and worthy? Valerie blinked back tears. She opened her lips to say, “I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry.”
But before she could, her father said it first.
“I love you, Valerie.” He sat beside her and clasped his hands. “Every moment you were in that coma, I hated myself for everything that happened. I hated myself for how weak I’d been. I hated myself for not being able to be the writing partner you needed me to be. But I’ve been working on myself, too. I know that self-hatred is a version of self-obsession. I know that love is something you have to push and mold and grow. And I’m willing to do that. I’m willing to sit with you and acknowledge everything and talk in ways we were never able to.”
Valerie’s eyes filled. “Remember when we first started working on the book? I felt like we started to really talk then.And it made me so happy. It thrilled me that we could be honest.”
“I was too weak back then. Too afraid,” Victor admitted.
They held the silence for a little while before Victor said, “I burned the book.”
Valerie laughed with surprise. “It was garbage anyway.”
Victor smiled. “I thought you would never forgive me.”
“I don’t want to put our family through more publicity,” she said. “I want to hunker down and fix what’s broken here.”
Victor reached out to touch August’s head. Valerie’s heart shattered.
“I never got to meet any of my grandchildren on the day of their birth,” Victor said. “Not until now. It’s been beautiful to know him, to hold him, to care for him. But each one of those days was one of the hardest of my life. I didn’t know what was going to happen to you, Valerie. I didn’t know how to live with myself.” He swallowed and turned to look out at the bonfire, where Kade was making another s’more and laughing at something Shelby had said.
“We are only given one life,” Victor said gently. “It’s up to us to make what we can of it. To be kind to one another. To love as well as we can. I’m sorry that I’ve struggled with that. I’m sorry that I’ve given so much to so many people and haven’t been able to reflect that love back onto my family. But together with my therapist and with Esme, I’m trying my best. I really am.”
Valerie squeezed her father’s hand. She’d been home in Nantucket less than a year, and it already felt like she’d lived several different lives.
But before she could say anything more, August began to cry. It was a cry of need, of ache, of hunger, and it told Valerie everything she needed to know about the next eighteen-plus years of her life. Someone would love her through everything despite each of her flaws, simply because she was his mother.She was ready to greet each morning of that life with a full heart. She was ready to acknowledge her mistakes.
She was a Sutton, carrying the next generation into a brand-new world. All they could do was learn from their mistakes. All they could do was look at the light.