Page 64
Story: Black to Light
Pain hit at the center of my chest. Briefly, it nearly made my knees buckle.
I hadn’t realized,gaos,hadn’t connected the dots.
I hadn’t gotten far enough in my thinking to know she was a seer.
The girl slowly, reluctantly, achingly pulled her eyes off me.
It hit me only then that she’d scarcely looked at Nick or at Black since I’d first made sense of her face. She might be leaning into Nick as her possible protector, but something about me drew her attention and her light, too. I could guess what that something was. I probably seemed safe to her––in comparison, at least.
Now, she blinked reluctantly up at Black.
Her shoulders hunched. She looked like a dog waiting to be kicked.
She looked submissive, like she might be waiting for an order she already knew she wouldn’t want to follow.
That sick, angry, horror feeling closed my throat, made my gut burn.
I’d seen that look before. I’d seen it while I’d been at war in Afghanistan and Iraq. I’d seen it on patients I’d had in the past, the ones I tookpro bono,or assigned by the courts. I’d seen it in the victims Nick and I released the time we hunted down a child murderer.
She was in shock, but it was more than that.
She was in an ongoing state of survival and stress, and likely had been for a while.
She’d experienced so many emotions and fears, so intensely, for so long, whole parts of her had shut down to compensate. Allof her energy and focus got diverted to the essentials, in an effort just to keep her alive. The profusion of things held back, things felt and suppressed, made her cheeks, jaw, forehead, lips, and eyes flinch and tense and twitch with effort.
I’d glimpsed something like it on Black before, too.
It came back to him at times, mostly when he recounted his time in the slave pens back on Old Earth. He would go back there sometimes, in some part of his light. His whole face would change, his light would change, and I would see it; I would know he was that seer child again. He would be in that place again, with those people. The twitches and jerks would alter his normal expressions, just like what was happening to the girl now.
His eyes would grow far-seeing.
Parts of hisaleimiclight would shut down.
If he went too far into it, I might need Yarli or one of the other seers to help him out of it. Sometimes I could get him out by putting him into a kind ofaleimictrance. Either way, the nightmares would grow exponentially worse after, sometimes for days.
Black told me the hardest part of being in that prison in Louisiana had been how it threw him into a never-ending flashback of his childhood. He couldn’t end it. He couldn’t snap himself out. It felt like a nightmare he couldn’t wake from. And really, it was… the traumatized part of him couldn’t tell the difference.
Looking at this girl’s face was like seeing that in real time.
It was like Black’s nightmares, his memories, come to life.
She might even be close to the same age Black had been for the worst of his own abuse. Maybe it was my own trauma I was feeling, too, with Solonik and even with Nick, but with Black, I could reallyseeit. Looking at her round, too-young face, it didn’t feel like a memory.
It felt like right now.
It felt like those things never left him.
I sucked in a slow, silent breath. I calmed my heart rate with an effort.
This girl needed our help.Gaos,she needed our help right now. She wasn’t some avatar for Black’s pain; she was real. I needed to focus on her.
I consciously created distance in my mind and light.
Once I felt marginally more in my doctor headspace, and less in my hyper-emotional seer wife headspace, I tried to make sense of the profusion of emotion and intensity in her devastating eyes. I didn’t see relief, or fear, or anger, or any of the other emotions one might categorize as “expected,” if one only witnessed captives being freed on television shows and in movies.
Captivity and shock and trauma did strange things to people.
It did particularly strange things to young people. Depending on how long she’d been down there, how much of her life had been molded and shaped around living like this, there was no telling how she might react to us, or whether she could even communicate with us.
I hadn’t realized,gaos,hadn’t connected the dots.
I hadn’t gotten far enough in my thinking to know she was a seer.
The girl slowly, reluctantly, achingly pulled her eyes off me.
It hit me only then that she’d scarcely looked at Nick or at Black since I’d first made sense of her face. She might be leaning into Nick as her possible protector, but something about me drew her attention and her light, too. I could guess what that something was. I probably seemed safe to her––in comparison, at least.
Now, she blinked reluctantly up at Black.
Her shoulders hunched. She looked like a dog waiting to be kicked.
She looked submissive, like she might be waiting for an order she already knew she wouldn’t want to follow.
That sick, angry, horror feeling closed my throat, made my gut burn.
I’d seen that look before. I’d seen it while I’d been at war in Afghanistan and Iraq. I’d seen it on patients I’d had in the past, the ones I tookpro bono,or assigned by the courts. I’d seen it in the victims Nick and I released the time we hunted down a child murderer.
She was in shock, but it was more than that.
She was in an ongoing state of survival and stress, and likely had been for a while.
She’d experienced so many emotions and fears, so intensely, for so long, whole parts of her had shut down to compensate. Allof her energy and focus got diverted to the essentials, in an effort just to keep her alive. The profusion of things held back, things felt and suppressed, made her cheeks, jaw, forehead, lips, and eyes flinch and tense and twitch with effort.
I’d glimpsed something like it on Black before, too.
It came back to him at times, mostly when he recounted his time in the slave pens back on Old Earth. He would go back there sometimes, in some part of his light. His whole face would change, his light would change, and I would see it; I would know he was that seer child again. He would be in that place again, with those people. The twitches and jerks would alter his normal expressions, just like what was happening to the girl now.
His eyes would grow far-seeing.
Parts of hisaleimiclight would shut down.
If he went too far into it, I might need Yarli or one of the other seers to help him out of it. Sometimes I could get him out by putting him into a kind ofaleimictrance. Either way, the nightmares would grow exponentially worse after, sometimes for days.
Black told me the hardest part of being in that prison in Louisiana had been how it threw him into a never-ending flashback of his childhood. He couldn’t end it. He couldn’t snap himself out. It felt like a nightmare he couldn’t wake from. And really, it was… the traumatized part of him couldn’t tell the difference.
Looking at this girl’s face was like seeing that in real time.
It was like Black’s nightmares, his memories, come to life.
She might even be close to the same age Black had been for the worst of his own abuse. Maybe it was my own trauma I was feeling, too, with Solonik and even with Nick, but with Black, I could reallyseeit. Looking at her round, too-young face, it didn’t feel like a memory.
It felt like right now.
It felt like those things never left him.
I sucked in a slow, silent breath. I calmed my heart rate with an effort.
This girl needed our help.Gaos,she needed our help right now. She wasn’t some avatar for Black’s pain; she was real. I needed to focus on her.
I consciously created distance in my mind and light.
Once I felt marginally more in my doctor headspace, and less in my hyper-emotional seer wife headspace, I tried to make sense of the profusion of emotion and intensity in her devastating eyes. I didn’t see relief, or fear, or anger, or any of the other emotions one might categorize as “expected,” if one only witnessed captives being freed on television shows and in movies.
Captivity and shock and trauma did strange things to people.
It did particularly strange things to young people. Depending on how long she’d been down there, how much of her life had been molded and shaped around living like this, there was no telling how she might react to us, or whether she could even communicate with us.
Table of Contents
- Page 1
- Page 2
- Page 3
- Page 4
- Page 5
- Page 6
- Page 7
- Page 8
- Page 9
- Page 10
- Page 11
- Page 12
- Page 13
- Page 14
- Page 15
- Page 16
- Page 17
- Page 18
- Page 19
- Page 20
- Page 21
- Page 22
- Page 23
- Page 24
- Page 25
- Page 26
- Page 27
- Page 28
- Page 29
- Page 30
- Page 31
- Page 32
- Page 33
- Page 34
- Page 35
- Page 36
- Page 37
- Page 38
- Page 39
- Page 40
- Page 41
- Page 42
- Page 43
- Page 44
- Page 45
- Page 46
- Page 47
- Page 48
- Page 49
- Page 50
- Page 51
- Page 52
- Page 53
- Page 54
- Page 55
- Page 56
- Page 57
- Page 58
- Page 59
- Page 60
- Page 61
- Page 62
- Page 63
- Page 64
- Page 65
- Page 66
- Page 67
- Page 68
- Page 69
- Page 70
- Page 71
- Page 72
- Page 73
- Page 74
- Page 75
- Page 76
- Page 77
- Page 78
- Page 79
- Page 80
- Page 81
- Page 82
- Page 83
- Page 84
- Page 85
- Page 86
- Page 87
- Page 88
- Page 89
- Page 90
- Page 91
- Page 92
- Page 93
- Page 94
- Page 95
- Page 96
- Page 97
- Page 98
- Page 99
- Page 100
- Page 101
- Page 102
- Page 103
- Page 104
- Page 105
- Page 106
- Page 107
- Page 108
- Page 109
- Page 110
- Page 111
- Page 112
- Page 113
- Page 114
- Page 115
- Page 116
- Page 117
- Page 118
- Page 119
- Page 120
- Page 121
- Page 122
- Page 123
- Page 124
- Page 125
- Page 126
- Page 127
- Page 128
- Page 129
- Page 130
- Page 131
- Page 132
- Page 133
- Page 134
- Page 135
- Page 136
- Page 137
- Page 138
- Page 139
- Page 140
- Page 141
- Page 142
- Page 143
- Page 144
- Page 145
- Page 146
- Page 147
- Page 148
- Page 149
- Page 150
- Page 151
- Page 152
- Page 153
- Page 154
- Page 155
- Page 156
- Page 157
- Page 158
- Page 159
- Page 160
- Page 161
- Page 162
- Page 163