Page 53

Even if we were great together, she’d be compatible with plenty of other women. She was such a wonderful person, how could she not be? Eventually one girl or another would get under her skin, and she’d feel a spark of attraction. Her interest would grow. Soon she’d find herself falling in love. Forgetting me.

That part hurt… more than I cared to admit.

But as I thrashed in the sheets, cold sweat trickled down my spine.

Because Jaz still had the chance to do this the right way. Date the person first. Get married. Find a sperm donor, or start the adoption process—either way, doing it together.

She wouldn’t have to deal with all the drama of my fucked-up family. No Amanda, no Ma, no Brenda.

No me…

But sometimes if you loved something, you had to let it go.

21

Jaz

As I woke up, Faye whispered softly to me, “No.”

Her arms were wrapped around me. I smiled, rubbing myself against her bare skin. I didn’t know what she was talking about, didn’t care either. Trailing my hand lazily down her chest, I thanked the stars again for giving me my heart’s deepest desire.

“Jaz, did you hear me? The answer is no.” Her voice was curt enough for me to open my eyes in shock. Her face was just as cold, even if there was a hint of pain there, too. “And what’s more, I think it’s best if you move out.”

“What are you talking about?” I sat straight up, sheets sliding off me.

The bags under Faye’s eyes betrayed how much sleep she hadn’t gotten, yet she moved with surprising energy as she leapt out of bed. “You should go. No, you need to. I won’t let you stay and go through this when you don’t have to.”

From her crib beside the bed, Gretchen let out a piercing wail. I moved for her, the response automatic. When she cried, I comforted her. That was how it worked.

Except this time, Faye jumped in between us. “I’ll deal with her.”

“You don’t want me to get her to stop?”

Gretchen cried louder.

“You need to go. Now.”

I tossed on clothes, still sleepy despite my confusion. “So I’ll get Gretchen from you at your office? That doesn’t make sense. I might as well take her now if you need me to go out. But I don’t get why you want me to go out.”

“No, Jaz. You’ll pick Gretchen up never. I’ll watch her myself today.”

“You have classes.” I knew her schedule forwards and backwards. This didn’t make sense.

“I’ll handle my classes!” Faye shouted.

My shirt was on inside-out, and I went to fix it.

Faye pointed at the door. “Stop dawdling and go. I…” She cut herself off. “You can pick up your stuff later. Tonight, maybe. I don’t know.”

“Faye, what is this?” I got my top on the right way and pressed a hand to my forehead. “I don’t understand. What are you saying?”

“I can’t make you do this. I’m going to lose Gretchen, and I don’t want you going through this along with me.” Her eyes were shining. “I have to do this alone.”

It was beginning to dawn on me. “No, that’s not going to happen. I love this kid. What, you’re going to take her away from me so I don’t have to lose her? Are you even hearing yourself?” It made so little sense, I wanted to laugh.

“Don’t think I haven’t thought this through.” Faye turned away, dabbing at an eye. “This isn’t the life for you. We’re holding you back, me and Gretchen. You’re never going to finish your masters at this rate, never mind your Ph.D.”