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“If you always hated us, why did you raise us?” I asked, my voice an eerie calm resonance. “Why not kill us at birth?”

My mother jerked. “I didn’t always hate you. I tried to help you not become evil, despite who your father was. I thought I could teach you to suppress your evil side. I could never have killed my own babies, in fact, I destroyed my own life to save you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You were born sickly and dying,” she replied, her tone flat as if she’d resigned herself to finishing this story no matter what. “Your sister was born healthy, but I knew the moment I saw you that you wouldn’t survive.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “But you were wrong.”

She shook her head. “No. I wasn’t wrong. You were dying, and there wasn’t anything I could do to save you. It would have taken magic.”

“But—wait.”

My mother wasn’t even looking at me now. She spoke into the cell, as if she was divesting herself of years of secrets, unloading them like a weight hanging over her. Her confession was no longer about me, but about her own need for closure.

“As much as I hated it, I’d spent ten years in Nightshade,” she continued. “I’d been taught to worship the Source, and I knew the stories of its power. I knew where to take you, so I climbed the mountain, still bleeding, with two infants in my arms. I begged queen Aisling to save my child, and she answered. She offered me a bargain.”

“You bargained with gods?”

She nodded. “Aisling agreed to save you, and in exchange I would have to find and save her child. I had no idea who her child was, or how to find them, but I agreed.”

“Why?” I spluttered, my mind reeling.

She looked at me blankly. “At the time, it seemed like the obvious choice. My baby was dying, I would have agreed to anything.”

I swallowed, willing the lump rising in my throat to disappear. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t give in to any anger or sorrow. Not yet. “So obviously, Aisling helped?” I asked, struggling harder than ever to keep my tone even.

“The queen poured her power into you, and the force of it caused the Source to erupt. I watched from the top of the mountain as the city of Nightshade was consumed in fire and molten stone.”

“So you’re saying it’s because of me that the entire city was destroyed.”

She shrugged. “I suppose so.”

“You don’t seem bothered by it. You destroyed an entire city.”

“An evil city,” she insisted. “At that moment I didn’t care, but soon I realized I’d made a mistake.”

I almost sagged in relief. She might have done something terrible, but at least she felt some remorse for it— “You couldn’t have known, I?—”

“As a child you immediately showed signs of magic,” she continued, talking over me. “I know I’d made a mistake in saving your life.”

A stone dropped into my stomach. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. Another spark of heat crawled over my skin, this time traveling down my arms and lingering in the tips of my fingers.

“I’d been weak,” Mother said. “and it cursed you with that foul magic even more than you already were. I tried to teach you to suppress it.”

My mind felt numb with shock. I could barely even process what she was saying, much less the hatred in her gaze. “What about the promise you made to Aisling?” I asked, dazedly.

She made an angry noise in the back of her throat. “I had no idea where to look.”

“So you joined the rebellion,” I finished for her, understanding dawning.

Ambrose had told me how he met my mother during the rebellion. They were comrades, and even after Ambrose became the leader of the rebels, my mother remained under his command.

It was unbelievable to me that Mother would ever work with Fae, but now it made sense. If she was forced to seek them out for information on Aisling’s child, she would certainly prefer to associate with those who sought to tear down the Fae monarchy rather than supporting it.

“That’s right,” Mother confirmed. “King Gancanagh was in the North at that time.”

“Trying to take over the rebellion?” I asked, remembering the rest of what Ambrose had explained to me. “Gancanagh first tried to take over the kingdom of Elsewhere, and when he was unsuccessful he returned to Underneath and challenged the former king for that throne.”