Page 58 of 59 Minutes

CARRIE

face in dirt

scalp crawling

air slammed from lungs

wood concrete glass brick

scattered under you over you around

you’re not dead yet but maybe you are dying because you’re watching a

zoetrope of

your life

tiny carrie with fat hands and shaking knees stumbling towards

dad

dad smell and dad strength and

mum

not the sadness from after but the

softness before

and

new stiff shirt scratchy collar

biff and chip

and the dinner lady has made a tiny dinner on a milk bottle top because you are scared and feel so small and you brought mr mouse even though mum said no don’t take mr mouse because what if you lose him

only heat no sound pieces of the buildings have ribboned like nothing

year three

a new girl with a wicked bump in her red hair that your stupid hair is too thin to achieve it just flat-falls and you reach out to touch hers and that’s weird really to do that but emma laughs and says she doesn’t mind and shows you how to backcomb just that front bit and kirby grip it nicely

eyes gummed iron taste behind gritted teeth stone and concrete chunks press into your skin you know you should get up be inside but you can’t quite remember why

flames behind and above you

teen years

wkd blue and jeans and a nice top

i love this song and i love you

just us always

spit shake on it

kiss on it

but the next day

you tell emma

you don’t know if you love her like that

not yet

heat behind you above you and seconds left fractions of time left to

years pass and

you catch on to yourself just as she stops hoping

and it was only ever her for you really

but she got sick of waiting and

found someone else to love like that

and you storm off bratty

and fuck indiscriminately

and after all that

you tell her anyway

i love you i love you i love you

finally says emma

and the timing could not have been better or worse

you got people

nice people

the best

you are still alive somehow but you won’t be for long and you have to get inside but your body is blanketed by shards and chunks and slabs

positive pregnancy test gripped in your hand

just four weeks into this new old love

this life-long build-up suddenly realised

but emma says okay emma says we can handle anything emma says we will have a baby then

just like that

‘CLEMENTINE!’

your sound has disappeared but

your legs and elbows collapse as you find your way to hands and knees stuff slides off your back your whole body trembles but you have to G E T T O Y O U R C H I L D

flames is this it surely you should be dead

there must be more bombs coming because you and the street and the city and your thoughts and the air should not still exist like this

and I don’t think it’s going to go how people think

blood in your eyes one long whine in your ears you get up and fall and get up and fall and get up stumbling over everything that is lying around

you run the way you know your home is no matter how blind or deaf or injured you are moth to light you to home

but someone grabs you now and you whirl on the spot cartoon legs off the end of a cliff then you fall to the ground all the same

NO NO PLEASE

they fall on top of you and the soil hits your teeth and up your nose and their weight pins you and they have no smell but soil

and you buck scream beg cry they are not moving now they are not letting you up and it hits you like a punch even now even in this

you think suddenly of mr mouse

his fat belly and the stuffing coming out of his legs and

your hand stitching on his ear in too-thick thread

and how he made you feel safe

but you are not safe

still blinded and deafened you feel around amongst the stone and wood mess through the black smoke until you find a large brick furred with churned soil they squirm and your elbow pops and grinds but

you swing

THUD

they slacken

and you finally shake them off.