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CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

brOOKS

T he lake was calm, as if the storm had never happened last night. The dock was damp under my hands as I sat there, watching the sunrise and trying to settle the mess in my head.

Last night had been a wake-up call. Seeing that man she had left me for, sent me back five years. I lay awake, long after he left, staring at the ceiling fan, trying to make sense of how she could have agreed to go through with it in the first place.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to unravel my thoughts.

I heard her light and cautious footsteps approach. She eased her body next to mine, quiet and careful.

“I woke up to an empty bed,”she said, resting her head against my arm.

I took a sip of my coffee. “Sorry, you were still sleeping, and I needed some fresh air.”

She didn’t press me for more. Just stared out at the water like me. I glanced at her. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and her long legs swung back and forth. She was wearing another one of my flannels.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked, grabbing the coffee cup out of my hands and taking a sip.

I clenched my jaw. “I can’t believe you almost married him.”

She tensed. “I know.”

I turned to face her. “I don’t think you do. You left me for that piece of scum.”

“But I came back.”

I looked away from her. All I could see were the two of them together. It made my blood boil. For five years, he got to hold, kiss, and be with her. Five years that I didn’t.

“I know that, but seeing him still bugged me. There is no logical reason to be jealous of him, but I am, and what pisses me off is that I don’t know how to make it stop.”

She reached for my hand, lacing our fingers together. “Trust me, you have no reason to be jealous, but is this really what this is about?”

Silence stretched between us. How did I explain it to her in a way where I didn’t sound like an irrational asshole?

“I don’t know how to deal with these feelings.

I know this sounds completely absurd, but I’ve only wanted you to be mine.

Just mine. And yet, all I can think about is that you let him touch you. ”

She smiled. “No. I didn’t.”

I blinked. “Excuse me?”

Her fingers were cold, but her grip was tight. “I never slept with him. We had an agreement. He could have my hand in marriage, but not my body.”

I couldn’t believe the words coming from her mouth.

“He agreed to that?”

In my head, I knew it was nothing more than an arranged marriage, but I always assumed she would cross that line with him. I never imagined that she wouldn’t.

She nodded slowly. “He wasn’t thrilled, but it was either that or nothing.”

“So, let me get this straight. You were never intimate with him?”

“No.”

I swore under my breath, dragging a hand through my hair. This was not what I expected. None of this made sense.

“Was there anyone else?”

The question came out before I could stop it. I held my breath, not sure which one was worse, her sleeping with him or someone I never knew about.

“No. There was never anyone else. My focus was on my career.” She hesitated. “And trying to get over you.”

“Harlow, I don’t even know what to say.”

Her confession knocked the wind out of me. She had never been with him. There had never been anyone else. Yet, we still lost so many years together. I felt guilty as fuck because I couldn’t say the same.

I dated a few girls over the years, but nothing ever became of it. They were never Harlow.

“You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to believe me.”

I turned and dropped my forehead to hers.

“I know you would never lie about that. I’m just surprised.

” I searched her eyes, needing to be honest with her.

I pushed some hair back from her face. “I need to figure things out. I need to know that I can trust you to stay this time. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and have you tell me that you changed your mind. ”

I wasn’t trying to hurt her, but I couldn’t ignore the doubt growing in my chest.

“Does that mean you don’t want to go through with the wedding?”

I struggled with what to say and how to say it.

“Honestly. I’m questioning if it’s smart to go through with it. Things are unstable and messy right now.”

What would happen once she got the house? When I secured the deal? Would she run again when things got tough? Were we setting ourselves up for more heartbreak?

“No, they are not. I am where I want to be. I’m not going to change my mind again. Not today. Not tomorrow or the day after. I finally got you back. I’m not leaving you again.”

I looked back out at the water. “I want to believe you.”

“Brooks, I can’t continue to go on like this.

I don’t know what else I can do to convince you that I’m here to stay.

I’m starting to question if you refuse to believe me, or if you simply just can’t get over the past. If that’s the case, then we are both fooling ourselves into believing this will work. ”

I stayed silent because I didn’t know how to answer that.

Her fingers curled around mine. “We can’t keep looking backward. You can’t keep punishing me for the choices I made when I didn’t even know what the hell I was doing.”

I ran a hand over my jaw, trying to get my thoughts in order. I hated that I was allowing him to get inside my head, but I didn’t know how to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. “I know you’re trying. I just need a little patience here.”

She pulled her hand away. “I don’t know how many times I can say it until it finally sinks in.

I want to move forward with you. I want us to try again.

Not because of the house or convenience.

It’s because I don’t want to live a life without you in it.

I know I can do it, but I don’t want to.

However, I can’t keep trying to prove it to you if you keep waiting for me to leave. ”

She wasn’t going easy on me. I could feel the fight in her voice. She was asking me to trust her. To meet her halfway.

“I don’t know how to stop being afraid,”I told her honestly.

She brought her hand up to my cheek, forcing me to meet her eyes. “Then let me help you.”

“How?”

“By wanting this as much as I do.”

I stared at her for a beat. Her eyes were clear and honest. There was no doubt in my mind that she meant every word. Maybe she was right. I’ve spent the last few weeks questioning everything. Perhaps it was time I started believing in her again. In us.

The wind whipped her hair around, so I tucked it back behind her ear. “I’ll try.”

Her lips parted slightly, like she wasn’t expecting me to give in so easily. “Thank you.”

Then, before she could say anything else, she leaned in and kissed me. It was sweet, soft, and everything else. It was as if she were trying to make up for all the years we’d wasted. I held her tight as if my life depended on it. In fact, I was pretty sure it did.