Page 53

MIA

It takes hours for Yulian to wake up.

I don’t leave his side for a second. How could I bring myself to? Every function in my body seems to have put itself on hold just so I can keep watching the rise and fall of his chest, making sure it’s still there.

That he’s still here.

I wanted to take him to the hospital. It was my first instinct—but then I remembered.

Prizrak. Ghosts who can access every building, slip into every place, masquerade as any member of the staff.

The closest hospital to us was Manhattan General, and I’ve only been there once.

I don’t know the people there. I don’t know their faces.

So I brought him home instead.

I grabbed the stuff we used for Nik’s recovery and got to work. Gave him a transfusion of my own blood—perks of being a universal donor; Team O-Neg for life, baby—and disinfected his shoulder. A clean exit wound, thank goodness.

Soon, Yulian’s vitals started to improve. His cheeks regained some color. I was terrified they’d only grow paler and paler, until there was nothing left of him, but he’s made of stronger stuff than that. And maybe, just a little bit, I actually know what I’m doing here.

Now, as I swap out the blood for antibiotics and painkillers, I let myself breathe for the first time since dinner.

He’s safe. He’s really safe.

I let myself move then. I take an iron supplement for the baby’s sake and rehydrate my body with sugar water. Pregnant people really shouldn’t give blood, but I’m a nurse. I can tell how much it’s safe.

And there was no way in hell I was letting Yulian die.

I sit back down at his side. The minutes tick by, turn into hours. I have no idea how much time passes before he stirs.

“Hey.” I grab his hand and squeeze it like a lifeline. “I’m here.”

Yulian’s gaze is unfocused at first, but then zeroes in on me. “Hey,” he rasps.

I want to break down crying. Want to bury my head in his chest and sob, but that’s not what he needs from me now. He needs me to be strong—to carry this for both of us.

He looks around. “Where are the others?”

“Maksim got out of surgery an hour ago. Kallie called in a favor with Adams, got him to operate in secret. It went well.” I give him a soft smile. “Kazimir’s unharmed, too.”

I can see the tension rolling off his shoulders. “Good.” He exhales. “What about you?”

“Me?”

“Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine,” I say. “You shouldn’t be worrying about me right now.”

“I always worry about you.”

He sounds so sincere, it nearly breaks me. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve been hit by a truck.”

Laughter bubbles out of me. “That sounds about right. But hey—you should see the other guy.”

Yulian falls silent. Suddenly, I remember who the other guy is and what I’ve done to him.

I killed him. I killed a man.

I broke my oath, and now, someone’s dead because of me.

Guilt drowns me. The words rush out before I can stop them. “I’m sorry.”

Yulian blinks. “You’re apologizing.”

“He was your friend,” I croak. “Even if he’d done things, he—he was still your friend. Once.”

Yulian’s gaze bores into me for a long time. I can’t tell what he’s thinking. I wish he’d say something, anything.

Then he starts sitting up. “No, wait!” I blurt. “You shouldn’t?—”

“I’m the one who’s sorry.”

It’s my turn to blink.

Yulian takes both my hands. His body heat seeps into me. I have no idea how he can be so warm, not after all the blood he’s lost, but somehow, he is. And he’s giving it all to me.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. It sounds so foreign, that word on his tongue. Yulian Lozhkin doesn’t do apologies. “For lying to you. And for everything I’ve put you through.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Last year.” He gives me an intense look. “I’ve been trying to make it up to you. To change for you. But I never apologized to you, and that should have been the first thing.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” I shake my head. “It’s in the past. It’s?—”

“It’s not,” he cuts me off, though not unkindly. “Not as long as I refuse to acknowledge it.”

“Yulian—”

“After my family died, I locked myself up. Shut down every emotion. I didn’t…” He takes a breath before continuing. “I didn’t want to feel that way again. Lost. Alone.”

My heart breaks for him. He never told me any of this, not in so many words, but I’d learned to read between the lines. Thought it was too painful to talk about.

But he’s doing it now. For me.

It means everything.

“I spent the next twenty years going through life without looking back.” His tone hardens at the memory.

“Thought that, if I did, it’d be over. I wouldn’t be able to keep moving.

But you can’t keep your heart locked away forever.

Occasionally, a stray feeling would come out.

Those brief bursts you saw…” He swallows. “That’s what they were.”

The hot flashes. The ice mask. Suddenly, every piece starts clicking into place. Every emotion Yulian’s ever repressed—it never really went away, did it? All the rage, the pain, the heartbreak. It needed somewhere to go.

“I don’t like talking about it.” His gaze turns dark for a second. “I’m the pakhan. Having a heart… In this line of work, that’s the worst thing you can do.”

“Everyone has a heart,” I protest.

“I know.” He swallows thickly. “Someone recently helped me realize that.”

He lifts his hand to my cheek. My own heart is pounding, trying to burst right out of its cage.

“It took a little repetition,” he murmurs.

“Took seeing it over and over to believe it. Maksim and Kallie. Anton and Zhenya. Kazimir and the Lozhkin Bratva. There isn’t just one form of love or devotion.

” He brings my knuckles to his lips and kisses them.

It makes me shiver all over. “But the one who taught me the most is you.”

Tears start gathering at the corners of my eyes. “Me?”

“You.” He starts lifting off, one kiss for each name. “With Eli. Kallie. Reese. Nik. Your parents, your sister. Our baby.” He lifts his burning gaze to mine. “And with me.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You did everything. You saved me, Mia. My life, my heart—you saved all of me.” One last kiss, just where my ring used to be. “You trusted me. And I’m sorry it took me so long to trust you back.”

The mention of trust brings my lie back to mind. Guilt floods me. “You did trust me,” I whisper. “You brought me back.”

“But I didn’t let you in.” He grasps my hands tighter, but never enough to hurt.

“Because the truth is, I was terrified. What would happen if I did that and lost you? But then I was losing you anyway. Keeping you at arm’s length, never letting you know what I was thinking.

I thought it’d be okay if it was my choice, but I was lying to myself. Do you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because I thought I was going to die, and all I could think about was you.” He touches his forehead to mine. Our breaths mingle together. “You’re already my family, Mia Winters. You, Eli, and our baby. I wouldn’t change that for the world. And I don’t want any more lies between us.”

I start shaking. I can’t help it. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to hear—all I never thought I’d ever, ever hear.

After this, I’ll tell him. That quiet promise to myself burns a hole in my heart. I’ll tell him everything.

All this time, I didn’t feel safe coming clean to him because I had no idea what he’d do.

But that’s what trust is, isn’t it? Believing the other person will do the right thing.

That he won’t trample over your wishes just because he can.

The only example I ever had was Brad, and well, look how that turned out.

But Yulian’s willing to try. He’s willing to beat his past and make room for me.

And…

“You were going to die for us,” I say. “To protect us.”

“I was,” he confesses. “But that means nothing if I’m not willing to live for you, too.”

He kisses me. It’s a slow, tender thing—a brush of lips and nothing more. I can taste the salt of my tears in it, the iron of his blood. Everything we’ve ever shed for each other.

“This would be the part where I get down on one knee,” he murmurs. “But you’re gonna have to take this IV out first.”

The absurdity makes me laugh. “No way. You’ll get better, and then you’ll get down on one knee.”

“And when I do?” For the first time, I hear hesitation in his voice. “What will you say?”

For once, the answer’s easy. For once, it’s the easiest thing in the world.

“I’ll say yes.”

His next kiss is nothing like the first. It’s fire, and passion, and everything he’s been pushing down since the day we met.

I’m about to lose myself to it when?—

“Yulian!”

The door slams open. We both turn to see Maksim, all bandaged up, breathing hard in the doorway.

“He took her,” he wheezes. “Kalinda’s gone.”