Page 29

“Fuck,” I hiss when one headphone jumps out of my fingers on its way to my ear. I scramble to turn on the flashlight of my phone and find it under the driver’s seat.

I can’t remember the last time my hands shook this hard, and I don’t have the energy to try right now.

I can’t believe how stupid that was. I can’t?—

“You okay, kid?” Eric asks me.

“Yeah, fine,” I mutter and hurry to find a song that will make me feel even slightly less like old gum stuck on a twenty-year-old shoe.

I thought I knew Carter enough to recognize the signs for what they were.

I really believed we were forming a connection beyond friendship. The fuzzies in my stomach...

Well, those were real enough, I suppose.

Just shamefully, regretfully, and painfully unrequited .

I guess relationships just aren’t for me, and that includes friendships apparently.

I should’ve learned that lesson six years ago, but I didn’t, and now I have to find a way to deal with it, to finally get it through my head.

And here I was, thinking I was smart.

I find the playlist I need and a harsh breath that’s not quite a sob leaves me when the first notes of Creep begin.

I close the app immediately and take off my earbuds.

Not even music will fix this.

Carter

“How the fuck am I supposed to know if I liked it?” I explode when I can’t think of an answer. “It was barely a second and then I pulled away.”

“I mean . . .” CJ trails off and shrugs.

“What?” I shout at him. “What do you mean?”

“Why did you pull away?”

“Because a man was kissing me, CJ,” I tell him like he’s lost a few screws—he’s acting like it at least.

“Was that really why?” he demands, straightening and leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Or was it only shock? Maybe disgust? Maybe fear?”

“I am not disgusted by Liam,” I protest. “Or afraid of him. And of course I was shocked.”

“All right, but why was it shocking anyway?” he asks and throws his hands up. “You guys looked cozy tonight, holding hands all the time.”

“We were faking,” I counter.

“Were you really?” he presses. “I saw you talking to him, saw you holding his cheeks and whispering. You’re more than comfortable with him, so why did you pull back so quickly from him when he kissed you?

Are you scared you might like it? Scared you’ll hurt his feelings?

” He speaks evenly, like no answers could be wrong, but I feel like there are a lot of answers that could be wrong.

“I don’t know why I pulled away so quickly besides the shock,” I tell him through gritted teeth. “I’m not scared I might like it, of course I don’t want to hurt his feelings, and this conversation is over!” I declare. “It’s not helping anything, so please leave.”

“No,” he says simply.

“What do you mean, no? I want to be alone.”

“If you wanted to be alone you wouldn’t have dragged me up two flights of stairs and then shouted at me.”

Fuck, why does he have to know me so well?

“I don’t know what any of it means,” I confess, and it sounds like a whine, dammit.

“Okay, then answer this.” I stand up taller, ready for some real progress. “What happened after you pulled away?”

“I told him I’m straight, then he apologized, said some things about research and queer friends and other stuff I barely heard.”

“Okay, and then?”

“He basically ran away.”

“Good, so?— ”

“That’s not good, CJ!” I snap at him.

“And why is that?” he asks, like he knows something I don’t.

“Because he looked upset and I don’t want him upset over this.”

“You can’t control how Liam feels, Carter. You have to know that,” he tells me compassionately.

“I don’t like it,” I grumble.

“I know, but in any case, when he was walking away, what did you think? Feel?”

“I wanted to go after him,” I tell him quickly, happy I at least know the answer to that question.

“And do what?”

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “Just talk to him about it and try to make him feel better.”

“He was rejected after putting himself out there, Carter. If he’s going to feel better right away it’s either because he suddenly got amnesia or because you kiss him and tell him you’re suddenly gay.

So that was clearly irrational. And if you think talking to him in this state would’ve helped anything, then you truly are delusional. ”

“I know, I know,” I mumble.

“Okay, good. Next question. Why didn’t you go after him?”

This one I know as well.

“It was like my feet wouldn’t obey me. I was completely frozen.”

“That’s a good thing, I suppose, because?—”

“Yeah, I would’ve made things worse, I got it.”

“Exactly. Now, do you know what to do next?” He sounds so condescending, I want to smack him .

“No,” I shout again. “I have no fucking clue here, CJ.”

“Fine,” he says dramatically. “You give him space for a few days, and then you either work toward reparing your friendship, or you kiss him and this time pay fucking attention to how it feels so you can see if there’s a spark.

If there is, you need to deal with this new discovery without fucking Liam over, and then live happily ever after.

If there’s no spark, then you’re honest and you’re back to repairing your friendship with him. ”

“That sounds . . .”

“Like a lot? Yeah, I know, but you got this, man. You’re a good guy, and Liam will know you’d never want to hurt or embarrass him once he’s had some time away. If he knows you even a little, then he has to know that.”

“Thank you,” I whisper, choking slightly on emotion. “I hope you’re right.”

“I hope so too, but whatever happens, you need to take this time apart from Liam to think things through as well. You can’t play with his feelings, Carter.”

“I won’t,” I tell him earnestly. “That’s the last thing I’d want.”

“Good, then the only thing is... I think you should text him tonight and just say that you’re going to give him space for a few days. Explain that you’re not just giving up on your friendship for now. Don’t like, ghost him.”

“That’s a good point,” I mumble, and fish my phone out of my pants.

Then I’m just standing there, staring at the black screen, unable to even unlock it because I have no clue which words to use so he doesn’t ignore me forever .

“I’ll leave you to it, then,” CJ says and claps me on the shoulder on his way out.

Great. Now he leaves .

I throw my phone onto the mattress and then decide I need more time, so I start my nightly routine. I take a shower and think about Liam—everything he’s shared with me, everything I’ve learned about him.

I dry off and put on moisturizer like Mum taught me, and then stare at the bottle with a frown. I don’t like stereotypes, but I don’t believe many other straight men care enough about the health of their skin to moisturize every night...

Whatever, it was a bonding thing between Mum and me.

I convince myself my skin care doesn’t make me gay as I put on my sleep pants, and only then do I grab my phone again.

I stare at our texts for another few minutes and then sigh. I’m only delaying this, and I really shouldn’t have to.

No, I haven’t known Liam that long, but I know him well enough to understand he’s probably having a rough time, so I’m as honest and as brief as I can be.

Carter

I’m sorry for the way I reacted tonight. My intention has never been to lead you on or embarrass you. I also realize I never expressed to you that I’m straight, and I apologize for that as well.

That gets me thinking... which means my fingers keep tapping.

It’s unfair that only queer people have to announce their sexuality when they meet new people, isn’t it?

In any case, I still want to be your friend, Liam. If you’ll have me, that is.

I will take a few days to think about everything that happened tonight and how I feel more carefully, and I hope you do the same without shame or guilt because you shouldn’t feel any of those.

But I do want to keep having you in my life.

I leave it at that, then an idea strikes.

That kiss might’ve been too brief to allow me to analyze it, but I can watch porn, right?

Gay porn, of course.

I go to my favorite site and select the gay tab. My eyebrows rise immediately at the level of kink on the homepage, but I click one that looks tame enough and get to analyzing.

“I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve known I’m gay most of my life.” Sebas keeps talking while I look over his latest masterpiece.

When I arrived at Sculpt for my “early shift,” he asked me why I looked so tired when I’d left the ball so early, and “I was watching porn all night” just flew out of my mouth.

It took Sebas fifteen minutes to stop laughing .

It’s a good thing he’s my friend first and boss second because otherwise it could’ve been considered sexual harassment.

But then the interrogation began, and once I finished with the clarification that it was very gay porn, he cornered me.

“Did you come?”

I’ve never been accused of being a prude, in fact, whenever the topic of sex has arisen, I’ve had plenty to say over the years. None of my friends mind that when I pipe up it’s about women, just like I don’t mind that it’s men for them.

Friends talk about their sex lives, that’s just the way things are, and it’s never been something I’ve shied away from, but this time I could feel the blush covering my face.

Thanks to my darker complexion it took Sebas longer to see it, and that meant I had time to look away when I said, “Shut up.”

Watching men experience pleasure and very bouncy arses taking big dicks effortlessly is bound to make everyone go hard, right? So what if I did come? That doesn’t automatically mean I’m attracted to men as well.

I’ve been damn near surrounded by queer men for more than a decade—more if you count my years in boarding school—and my cock hasn’t even twitched in their presence.

After I stayed quiet in spite of his incessant begging for details, Sebas started monologuing about his journey as a young gay kid.