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Someone calls Carter’s name, and he jogs away after offering us another brilliant smile, and then we’re shown to a table. The food is magnificent, and I relax a little when Hawk sits next to me and asks me all about ESoothe, which he tells me Mom told him about.

That I can talk about for hours on end, and I appreciate how Hawk becomes as intensely focused as I do when I get to the neurological components of my research.

When he explains that he has ADHD and takes medication daily, which is why he knows a little about the subject, I become even more excited.

It seems like no time passes at all, but I can see the sun’s position has changed a lot when strong arms wrap around Hawk from behind. I look up just as Hawk looks back, and though I don’t squeal and shout like he does, I do smile at Sterling.

He’s also a musician, closer in age by far to my parents than to Hawk, but they’re all good friends, and I’ve known him a long time too.

His husband, Jules, sits in front of me at the picnic table and asks me how I am, and I try to be as natural as possible with him, and Tristan when he joins us a minute later.

He works in public relations and knows everyone who’s worth knowing basically, and he’s been helping me a lot with getting ESoothe off the ground.

I’m more comfortable with him the more we interact, but soon enough I can’t take it anymore.

I go to stand, an excuse ready on the tip of my tongue, when suddenly Wolf’s voice blares out of the big speakers.

“Hey everyone, if you could all come down to the tennis court, please. It’s time to sing happy birthday to CJ so we can have some cake.”

The thought of standing so close to all the people at the party, all of them singing at the same time... it’s too much. Thankful for the distraction, since Jules isn’t looking at me anymore, I walk uphill. Fast.

Hopefully no one sees me, and if my parents do, then they’ll know I’m safe and doing what I need to recalibrate .

That’s the nicest way of saying it. In reality what I need is space, time, and music to get my shit together.

I find a big boulder up ahead and decide that’s as good a place as any to sit, so I do.

I take out my earbuds, and the silence does half the work to calm me down.

Then I make sure my watch is connected to my phone, and I start answering the questions to kickstart the algorithm.

In less than two minutes, the playlist is made and I hit play.

Enya’s angelic voice fills my head.

It’s so fucking ironic and frustrating that the thought of people singing will make me run away but music will help calm me down.

It’s not that stupid birthday song, though, but instead “May It Be,” which isn’t only a masterpiece but was also made for one of my favorite movies ever.

I open my eyes quickly when a shadow passes, and I see Carter standing in front of me. His eyes look... intense. The complete blackness once more threatens to swallow me, but this time I don’t look away.

I can’t.

Even when they narrow and his head tilts to the side slightly.

With “Kids” by OneRepublic now sounding in my ears, I don’t move a muscle.

Carter doesn’t look mad, I’m pretty sure, and instead I suspect it’s curiosity making him stand in front of me not saying anything for what seems like three minutes.

Eventually the edge of his mouth lifts in a soft almost smile, and he moves in and sits next to me.

He stares straight ahead, not looking at me, and so I focus on the music again. “Alone” by Alan Walker comes on and that’s just... well, spot the fuck on.

Right now I’m not alone.

With the sun descending to the ocean, and the tennis court down the hill suddenly lighting with the flickers of candles—even visible from a distance—I learn something new when my mouth twitches up on its own.

My bursts of anxiety—I refuse to call them attacks—can be managed better. There’s always room for improvement. More than thirty years I’ve been having them, and I still don’t know everything about them.

“Thank you,” I say on impulse, and probably louder than is appropriate, so I hurry to take off one earbud in order to regulate the volume of my voice, but I can’t bring myself to look at Carter again. Not yet.

“For what?” he demands. At least it sounds like a demand.

“For not making me talk when I couldn’t,” I mumble.

“Well, you looked like talking was the last thing you wanted.” His words are matter of fact. I can’t make out any big emotions behind them.

“It’s not that simple for a lot of people.”

“I get that, the impulse to help is strong, but I know the best intentions can sometimes make it worse.”

“How do you know that?” I ask, really wanting to know how he learned it.

“Life, I guess.” His voice is lower this time, and it’s more... emotional. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about it. I can understand that .

“Don’t you want to be down there with CJ?” I ask. I feel a need to fill the sudden silence.

“Nah, I’ve spent loads of birthdays with him, and this time he has Wolf with him. Since they got back together they’ve been in the honeymoon phase and I’m letting him be.”

“I’ve read some studies that say that people lose one to two friends out of ten when they start a new romantic relationship.”

I can feel Carter’s gaze on me, and also the heat suddenly flooding my cheeks. Why the hell am I blushing?

He bursts out laughing before I can figure it out, and I have to look at him this time.

“Why are you laughing?” Is he mocking me?

I really hope he isn’t. I’m comfortable talking to him.

“I honestly thought this situation was funny,” he says, as if it really is that simple, and then he shrugs both shoulders.

I realize I was holding my breath when, after he turns back to look at the view, I exhale.

“I hope it’s okay to say so, but I know you’re not like most people.

Not only because most people wouldn’t say something like that after I just said I’ve been giving my friend space for his new relationship, or because you’ve probably had the opposite of a normal life, but because I pay attention.

If you were anyone else, I would’ve thought you were implying my friendship with CJ will end soon. ”

“How do you know I wasn’t?” I ask quietly.

“Because you said the words matter-of-factly, you were frowning like you were focused, and because you just ran away from a party and looked scared as all hell when I came up here. If you add all those things up, they tell me you’re not in any state to piss people off intentionally. ”

God, I wish I had that superpower. Being able to tell so much about a person just by looking at them, noticing what they do, and yes, paying attention.

“You’re very observant.” I point out the obvious, and feel stupid instantly.

“It’s part of my job.”

“What do you do for work?” I don’t think he’s told us that.

“I manage art galleries.”

I’m dumbfounded for a long moment. Not knowing anything about the art world makes me feel like I’m about to sink in this conversation. But then I remember one of my favorite sayings— be curious —so I ask whatever comes to mind first.

“Are the customers snobby and rude?”

That gets me another laugh, and I notice how the calmness of his voice somehow translates to his laughter. It’s kind of addicting. I want to hear more of it.

“Sometimes they are,” he says after a big breath.

“Why do you work in that field?” I decide the best chance I have of hearing his melodic laughter is to keep speaking my mind, so I just... do that.

“I’m surrounded by beauty every day,” he whispers. I notice the glow of the sun on his face changes and it draws my attention back to the view. The sun is beginning to disappear below the horizon.

“This place is amazing.” The words just slip out of me, and a moment later I feel Carter’s gaze on my face again. It burns like a bright light, and again, I don’t dare look directly at him, afraid I might get hurt if I do.