Page 27

“ I t’s a combination of a virus and the chronic fatigue, which was probably induced by stress.”

“So the cancer isn’t back?” Clara asked her doctor, almost breathless.

“No, the cancer isn’t back, Clara.”

Air rushed from her chest while tears pressed at her eyes.

The cancer wasn’t back. It was just a virus.

Holden’s fingers tightened on her thigh. Since returning to her room, he hadn’t left her side. But he’d been quiet. Almost silent. Offering her support with gentle touches here and there. Little squeezes of her leg or hand.

Dr. Bennett kept talking, but Clara just nodded. A mixture of relief for herself and concern for Holden swirled inside her. He didn’t like hospitals. And he was already scared at the prospect of losing her to illness. This was the last thing he needed.

“Now, I need you to get plenty of rest and fluids at home.”

Clara nodded. “I will.”

“Great. Well, you’re cleared to go, and I’ll see you again for our next annual checkup. But if you have any concerns in the meantime…”

“I’ll call you.”

“Good.”

When the doctor left, Clara grabbed her things and let Holden escort her out. They were halfway down the hall when she heard a familiar voice.

“You know that this is bullshit. Someone’s setting me up.”

Then she spotted him. Malcolm stood in a small office off the hall. He wore jeans and a sweater and was arguing with an older man in a white lab coat.

“Malcolm, you’re the only common denominator.”

“I know I am, but it’s not me!”

Holden’s arm tightened around her waist and he urged her forward. “Come on.”

Was Malcolm losing his job?

She looked at Holden, about to ask what he thought, but that deep frown was set into his brows, the same one that had been there since she’d passed out.

Suddenly, she didn’t want to talk about Malcolm. She wanted to know what was going on in his head.

She waited until they were in the car and driving to break the silence. “Thank you for staying with me.”

“I didn’t want you to be alone.”

She studied his body. The way the muscles in his arms seemed thicker and tenser than usual. The whites of his knuckles as he held the wheel. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

She didn’t believe him. The words came too quickly, like they were rehearsed.

“Are you ?” he asked softly.

No. But that had nothing to do with their hospital trip. “I’m glad Dr. Bennett confirmed I’m okay.”

He nodded, and she wanted to ask him a hundred more questions. About what he was thinking. About the fear in his eyes. But she forced herself to wait, because something in her gut told her that this wasn’t a car conversation.

When they got home, she kicked off her shoes and headed toward the kitchen for water. “I think it’s a takeout and early-to-bed kind of evening,” she said over her shoulder.

“I might take the couch tonight.”

She stopped, her chest rising on a deep inhale before she slowly turned, a flicker of panic kicking at her ribs. “The couch?”

He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Yeah, so you can have the space to rest.”

That was bullshit. She rested best when he was holding her, and there was no doubt in her mind that he knew that.

“You’re pulling away from me.” Her words were barely a whisper, but they sounded loud. They cut through the air, sharp like a knife, slicing through the silence.

He looked up at her, and a million emotions passed over his face. Fear. Sadness. Even regret. “I’m not—”

“Don’t lie to me.” She stepped forward. “Be honest, Holden. You owe me that. I can take it.”

At least, she should be able to take it. She’d survived cancer—she should be able to survive anything he threw at her.

One deep sigh before he spoke. “I was scared today. And that fear reminded me of every reason I ran from this for so long.”

“This… You mean us .”

He didn’t respond, but the confirmation was in his pained expression.

Suddenly, it was hard to breathe. To maintain the flow of air in her lungs, when that air felt thick and stuck in place. “It’s okay to be scared. I was scared too. It’s what we do with the fear that matters.”

He ran his fingers through his hair and looked down. And without words, she knew what was about to happen. The floor was crumbling beneath her feet.

Finally, he looked at her again. “I think maybe we should take a pause on us.”

If a heart could break from simple words, then hers shattered into a million pieces.

“After everything it took for us to get here,” she whispered, “you’re ending things because of a small health scare today?”

“Small? Clara, you were having symptoms that could have led to a cancer diagnosis.”

“But it wasn’t cancer. And the cancer didn’t kill me five years ago.” She stepped closer. “We can’t live in a state of fear.”

“I just…I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Not it — us . You’re talking about you and me.”

His silence was so loud it rang in her ears, and God, it hurt. An all-over, every-limb kind of hurt.

“I love you.” His eyes flared at her words. “I’ve loved you for so long, Holden. And you promised me you weren’t going anywhere.”

“I’m not. I’ll still be in your life.”

It wasn’t the same, and they both knew it. He was running, and she’d been a fool to think this was going to end any other way.

“You’re right,” she whispered. “You are scared. We both are. You’re scared to live and to love…and I’m scared not to.”

He swallowed.

“I was told I had cancer.” She stepped forward, needing him to hear everything.

“Stage four . And when I heard those words, I felt like all these moments were ripped away from me. Smiles and laughs and loves and experiences. They just disappeared.” She tilted her head, more tears falling.

“Then I did the work and the day came where they told me there was no more cancer in my body, and I got all those moments back. So I can’t wait for life to happen, because I’m so viscerally aware of how any second, every future plan can be ripped away. ”

Pain…it was all over Holden’s face. “I’ve felt loss too, Clara. But the difference is, I didn’t get those moments back with my mom.”

“No, but you got the ones before she passed. Now you have the memories of her.” Her chest started to heave, the heartache making each breath a battle. “I just…I wish you could see how much more you’re going to miss.”

“What would you have me do? What’s the alternative here?”

She closed the distance between them and set a hand on his chest. “The alternative is to feel the fear and love me anyway.”

“I don’t know if I can do that.”

“You can. But you don’t know if you’re willing to take the risk.” She didn’t want to lose that small contact, but she forced her hand to drop. Her feet to step back. “I’d like you to leave.”

A muscle clicked in his jaw. “I don’t want to leave you alone.”

Didn’t he get it? By deciding not to love her, even if he physically stayed in the house, she would still be alone.

She was on the verge of breaking, but she forced her legs to move. Forced her hand to reach for the door and open it. “I’ll call my mom to come over. I need you to go.”

Still, in that moment, when she thought she’d lost all hope, there remained a part of her that wanted him to stay. To tell her she was worth fighting for. That she was worth the risk.

Three seconds passed of him remaining exactly where he was…then he finally moved. He walked straight past her, and had just stepped outside when he stopped and turned. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

She closed the door. And that’s when she fell apart. When she allowed the heartache to squeeze her entire body and the pain to swallow her whole.

The click of Clara’s front door closing was loud and hit Holden like a gut punch.

He stormed down the walk and into his car, where he slammed the door.

What was wrong with him? What the fuck was wrong with him?

He punched his fist into the wheel, then did it again. It did nothing. The pain and fury shooting through his limbs were still there, festering and rolling inside him, poisoning.

Feel the fear and love me anyway.

He closed his eyes and hit his head back against the headrest. Why couldn’t he be what she needed? Why couldn’t the love be stronger than the fear?

He shot a glance toward her door. He wanted to go back. Tell her he’d messed up, that he was there to stay, but that thing inside him that had urged him to run was still there, dictating everything.

He cursed and started the engine.

He wasn’t even sure how he made it home, his head was such a mess. One second he was outside Clara’s house, the next he was parking in front of his own place. He frowned when he saw Jesse sitting on the steps of his porch, two beers beside him.

What the hell?

Holden climbed out of the truck. “What are you doing here?”

“Clara had a cancer scare.”

He said it like that was it. That was the entire answer to Holden’s question.

“Don’t worry, my mom’s with her,” he added.

Holden lowered beside Jesse and dropped his head into his hands. “I’m a fucking mess. And worse than that, I’m an asshole. Clara has a cancer scare and I tell her I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to date her. I broke up with her because I’m pathetic.”

“Well…at least you’ve finally admitted you were dating.”

Shit . “I’m—”

“Don’t say you’re sorry. You’re the best man I know, Holden, and I trust you to love and protect my sister.”

“You shouldn’t. Not the love part, anyway.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“You’re scared. You’re scared to watch the person you love most get sick and die, again.

You’re scared of having to sit on the sidelines, unable to protect her from something you can’t fight.

” Jesse handed Holden a beer. “We’re cut from the same cloth.

We’re both protectors. It’s why we joined the military.

To then not be able to protect the most important person in our lives feeds into our worst fears. ”

He was right. “You know, I always thought that I joined the military to find family because after my mom died, I had no one.”

“But now?”

“Now I think I spent so long unable to fight my mother’s cancer, I needed to face enemies I could fight to gain back some of that control.”

Jesse laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. “You certainly did that. We all did.”

“I don’t know if I can do it again, Jess.”

“You’re already doing it.”

Holden looked at his best friend. “What are you talking about?”

“You love her. I can see it when you look at her. When you talk about her. You’re in love with Clara.”

He swallowed hard, his throat so dry it felt like sandpaper. “I am.” Two words, and they both hit so hard they almost knocked the breath right out of him.

“So it’s too late to turn back. You’re already in too deep. If you break up with her, you lose her anyway.”

Holden’s fingers tightened around his beer, that familiar panic gnawing at his skin. “I shouldn’t be this scared.”

“I’ll tell you something very few people will admit. Loving someone— really loving them—is scary as hell. You become vulnerable. And you have to be okay with that person having a level of control over you. But you gain so fucking much.”

“How do I get past this?”

“You show up. Even if you’re scared. You show up and you stop running.”

He had been running. He’d been running from this thing between him and Clara for so damn long that he was exhausted. Could he ever stop?

He lifted his gaze to the forest around him. “After today, she might not take me back.”

And he wouldn’t blame her. She’d had a cancer scare and he’d made it about himself. Right now, he should be looking after her.

Jesse laughed, and this time there was some real humor behind it. “We are talking about the same person, right? Because my sister loves you. And yeah, depending on what you said to her before you left, you might need to put in some work to earn her trust back. But she loves you.”

“And love conquers all? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Hell no. I’m saying Clara always gets what she wants, and she wants you.” Jesse rose and took the keys from Holden’s fingers. “I’m going inside. I’m going to make sure you eat before I leave.”

Holden watched his best friend go into his house. He rose slowly, but the weight of the day still felt heavy.

Jesse was right. It was too late to run. He did love her. And he needed to man the hell up and love her the way she deserved to be loved.