Page 79

Looking around the small amphitheater, I grin excitedly.

I never thought I’d have an opportunity to listen to the Darkest Nights live again.

The sky is full of stars, the air cold and crisp.

I don’t have even a hint of claustrophobia since we’re outside, and the seats are tiered up to give everyone plenty of room.

I can’t stop bouncing in excitement and Theo and Jared grin on either side of me.

“Feeling good, Kitten?” Theo asks.

I feel fucking fantastic. We’ve all finished our undergraduate degrees, and I started my masters in social work at a school twenty minutes away from Santa Barbara.

Ignacio also chose to help the guys manage the club, and started a business in security.

Theo is getting his law degree, Jared is happy with his business degree, and Elijah got a minor in non-profit administration.

When I asked Elijah about it, he winked at me and told me he had a magic mirror that told him that I’d need him to have it. I’ve told him about my dreams of a non-profit organization, but I know it’ll take a lot of hard work to bring that dream into reality.

“Yes,” I say. “Having a bubble around me helps too.”

Since there are six of us and no assigned seating, Liliana and the guys created a human bubble around me. Nothing can touch me.

“Good,” Jared says, relaxed as he kisses my temple. “Warm enough?”

I’m pretty sure the adrenaline flowing through me won’t let me feel the cold, but I won’t tell him that. I’m wearing a pair of fleece lined tights, a long sleeved dress, and a coat. I’m nice and toasty.

If I get cold, Jared has a flask in his pocket for us.

“I’m perfect,” I reassure him.

“When we have kids, they’re going to be worse,” Liliana hisses from behind me.

Elijah glances over his shoulder at that with a smirk. He’s sitting in front of us, while Nacio is sitting with Lili. Once the concert starts and it looks like the crowd will be fine, he’ll hop back a row to sit with us.

“Is there any other way to be?” he asks innocently.

Lenny and the Darkest Nights haven’t been touring as much since they started having kids. Occasionally, she’ll surprise her fans when she gets the itch to perform and pull the band together. She just makes sure that it doesn’t conflict with Mav and Atlas’ performances with her sister.

The lights darken in the amphitheater, and I watch as people walk across the stage. A lanky shadow follows a smaller person, and I imagine it’s Turner leading Lennon out. I read an interview where it said he often does that to ensure she never trips on stage.

The way they protect her is amazing. The songs tell a story of a time when life kicked her in the face, and it’s one of the reasons I’m continually pulled to her music. Even if she isn’t touring as often, she’s still making music and recording.

Glancing at the loves of my life, I have to admit that there are so many facets to a story. Maybe her men weren’t always good to her.

The lights turn on, and I’m immediately immersed in the concert. Lenny is larger than life on the stage with her purple hair with blue highlights threaded through it. Her grin is fierce as she looks out at the crowd with her band surrounding her.

“Hello Santa Barbara! It’s been way too long since I’ve stepped out onto a stage. Shall we see if we’ve still got it?” she yells.

At our screams, she looks over her shoulder and says something to the band. They immediately begin to play, Roark’s heavily corded arms pounding on the drums.

The next two hours are intense. Theo sings the songs with me as loud as possible, while the others jam with us, and he holds me in his lap when the lyrics get to me and I cry. Elijah joined us in the row after the first song, and he holds my hand when I curl up in Theo’s lap.

I notice though that I’m not the only one who’s emotional, and several other girls are brushing away tears as they sing the lyrics with Lennon. There are hard core rock songs, ballads with heavy bass, and duets between Turner and Lennon.

“Thank you, Santa Barbara, for your energy tonight,” she says with a happy smile. “My sister and I have been working on a new song. I want to convince her it’s ready for you all to hear. Let’s make some noise!”

The entire amphitheater stands as they yell, and her smile turns wicked.

“I’ll probably be spanked for this, but do I care? Nah,” she says. “Layla, get your ass out here.”

Her sister walks out with a smile, her blonde hair now tempered with brunette lowlights. I heard that she had a rough patch with her new band when she started her solo career, but she looks happy and relaxed now.

“I’m going to kill you,” I hear her say as Lenny smirks. “Alright, Santa Barbara. Let’s do this!”

The night ends with a new song that talks about finding yourself, despite your broken pieces, and I feel every word as I lean against Jared.

Three Years Later

Looking around the group of teens sitting in a circle around me, I rub my baby’s back as she sleeps against me, safely wrapped in a baby carrier. With a lot of help, the foundation I always wanted is coming together.

There’s an outreach center for teens, a homeless shelter, a private school that runs on all scholarships, and a hotline for when people just need to talk.

Now, I’m sitting in a therapy circle at Chesterfield Prep where they’re volunteering to come speak with me.

I’m well aware that they’re only doing it for the benefit of getting special privileges, but it’ll have to do for now.

“Before we get started, does anyone have any questions?” I ask.

Ariyah’s blonde curls peek out of the woven rainbow colors of the carrier, a testament to how strong her father’s genes are.

Elijah adores his daughter and wasn’t the only one to voice his concerns about my bringing her to work today.

She’s only six months old though, and I’m not ready to pump all day for her.

The students here aren’t violent either, just confused and angry.

“Why should we talk to you?” a girl with beautiful braids and curls asks. “You look like you’re sitting pretty with your perfect life and baby. What could you possibly know that’ll help us?”

“Perception is a really interesting thing,” I say wryly, my arms loosely wrapped around the bundle in front of me.

“It tells you that I couldn’t possibly have ever have had a fucked up day or that I barely made it past my sixteen birthday.

So, let’s talk about that. What are the perceptions others have about you? ”

Iris pales as she gazes at me, pushing her braids over her shoulder. She presses her lips together as if she wants to yell at me for turning this on her but she doesn’t.

Slowly, the circle of students tell me the perceptions other people have about them.

They’re called things like trash when their mother did everything she could to keep a roof over their heads and shoes on their feet and spat on for things outside of their control.

As the circle ends at Iris, she looks around the group and nods tensely.

“The perception people have of me is that I’m mouthy and rude,” she says. “I really just want to know things, but I don’t have the best delivery.”

“I didn’t think you were rude,” I say with a shrug.

“The world tells kids that their words don’t matter, and when that happens, some people have to get louder to be heard.

Now, we have time for one more thing before you all go back to class.

What is one moment in time that you wish you could change if you could? ”

A few of them take turns discussing things like school shootings, losing a parent, or even wishing they’d gotten caught the first time they stole something.

“Regrets are something we all experience,” I explain.

“There are only two ways through it. If it’s because you hurt someone, find a way to apologize and mean it.

They won’t always accept it, and that’s their right.

However, it’s a good start to mending what’s broken.

If it’s an event that you can’t change, you have to find a way to live with it.

As someone who has struggled a lot with this, I will acknowledge that it takes work.

I’m not talking textbook work though, I mean some real soul searching to find out how you’re going to live from that moment on.

Thank you for coming today, I hope to see you next week. ”

The teens jump up like their hair is on fire, but I’m not surprised. It’s not comfortable for most people to discuss things like this, much less kids their age. Halfway through the group session, I had to stand to sway for Ariyah to keep her asleep. I’ll feed her as soon as I return to my office.

Picking up a folding chair, I close it and walk it toward the back wall. Since I’m wearing Ariyah, I have to take it slow so I won’t bump her head with one of the chairs.

“I’ll help you with that, Miss Rachelle,” Donovan says, rushing over to take the chair in my hands from me.

I didn’t notice that he’d stayed back, and flinch in surprise. I’m still not great with people sneaking up behind me. I know he didn’t do that, but still. My anxiety felt it as such.

I was pregnant the same time as Liliana, and we decided that if we have more kids that we’re going to try to time our pregnancies that way again.

We helped each other when our hormones and emotions went haywire.

The good news is that I was able to stay on medication that didn’t affect Ariyah at all.

“Thank you,” I rasp, forcing myself to smile. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” he says, nodding. “My mama would smack me for not helping. I’m sorry I startled you. My mama also says I need a bell.”

Laughing as I begin to relax, I nod. “Some people are just very quiet walkers,” I admit. “I do appreciate the help. She’s going to wake up soon and want to eat.”

Donovan looks at the curls peeking out of my wrap and smiles.

“I’ll get the chairs put up and then run to class. I promise it won’t make me late,” he says firmly. “Go feed the baby. Crying babies give me the worst kind of goosebumps. I just want to fix them.”

“They’re loud too,” I grin. “Thank you again for this. If your teachers give you trouble, tell them I have a hall pass on my desk with your name on it.”

“I mean, I was prepared to just take the blame for it,” he says honestly. “That’s good looking out though, Miss Rachelle.”

“It’s the least I can do when you’re helping Ariyah and I,” I say.

My baby chooses this as her moment to complain, her fists pulling at my shirt.

“That’s my cue,” I whisper, turning quickly to half run to my office. “Shh, I know. You’re doing so good, baby. I’m almost there.”

Once safely in my office with the door locked, I settle in my chair to nurse her.

I work at the school on Monday thru Wednesday, and two Thursdays a month I work at my private practice.

I wasn’t sure if I should offer therapy services outside of the non-profit organization, but Theo reminded me of my disastrous experiences with therapy.

If I can spare others from being treated the way I was, I will. I only see patients that are ages twelve to twenty four, not because I don’t think they won’t take me seriously, but due to the chaos those years can bring. I’m enjoying it so far, and I have really great clients.

My mind pulls me back to when she and Adelina decided to make their way into the world hours apart. Ignacio went to the hospital first with Liliana when her water broke, and I continued to labor with Theo, Jared, and Elijah at home until my contractions were four minutes apart.

Liliana and I shared a room together, and I got to watch Adelina enter the world before I started to lose myself to the pain of labor.

I do remember though that Lili punched Ignacio because he told her to ‘suck it up and push’.

He was really excited, and forgot how lethal Lili is.

He’s just lucky she didn’t have a knife on her.

Being a mom is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I really do love it. Having Mom so close has been amazing and helpful when we have questions about something. Since Mom was a nurse, she gives us factual information which we all appreciate.

Theo is the first to confirm her suggestions with his own research, and it always checks out. Having so many hands to help is a blessing, and one of the guys is always getting up to help with the babies. It doesn’t matter who the father is, we’re a unit.

For the girl who didn’t have a very large family, I made my own. We decided to tear down a wall between our bedroom and the next to give us more room, so now the nursery is within reach. Our sex lives are still just as wild, it’s just that sometimes it’s interrupted by babies.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wanted a life I could fight for, and I have one. Every damn day, I’ll choose us.

Have you read the Darkest Nights series yet? If you like Rachelle’s story, you’ll get to meet her in the Darkest Chord first. Click here to start the series.