Page 54

We’re basically hissing at each other at this point, and I need to be able to talk to her where she can scream if she wants to. My hand spans the small of her back, pushing her to enter the tower. She can get out her angry energy while climbing stairs.

“But you are in it,” I say calmly, ignoring the sign that says students can’t go up the steps and ducking under it with Rachelle. “Your presence at Carlysle Prep was a catalyst to the bet being enacted. We can’t take it back.”

“Are you saying I’m at fault for existing?” Rachelle asks with a snort. “That’s rich.”

We trudge up the stairs, the place completely deserted. If we’re going to have it out, it may as well be in a tower, it feels fitting somehow.

“Are you saying if your mother hadn’t married Mr. Reyes that you’d still be Ignacio’s stepsister?” I ask, playing Devil’s advocate.

“You’re deflecting,” she mutters. “Stop trying to make me mad at you.”

“This is what happens when you’re in therapy,” I grumble. “You can’t be fucked with.”

“ You put me in therapy!” she yells, exasperated. “All of your fuckery has done this to me.”

There we are.

“Yeah, it has. A series of fucked up things brought us together,” I remind her. “If Nacio hadn’t been so pissed off that his dad was getting remarried to create a perfect little life, he wouldn’t have insisted you be our bet.”

“So I should be mad at Ignacio?” she asks, rolling her eyes. Her energy is flagging as she climbs, but we’re almost to the top. “Your arguments are flimsy at best, Elijah.”

She’s been hanging out with Theo too much.

“I’m simply saying that the universe threw us together,” I explain. “You were my life preserver, and I grabbed on with both hands.”

“Fuck you,” she huffs, getting to the top and walking to one of the openings to gaze out. I think she’s trying to find space from me, but there’s none to be had.

“I’m explaining this to you badly,” I mutter. “I don’t know how to talk to you, how to fix this, or if I even can. Why are you okay with everyone else but not me?”

“You didn’t want to open the casket!” she yells, throwing her arms up as she turns. “Emil told me what happened that night, because he heard the entire sordid tale from Nacio. You wanted to leave me there, because of a fucking bet. I’m not a person to you. I’m just a thing to kill.”

“Not anymore,” I insist. “I realized my mistake the second I saw your lips, and how close you were to dying.”

“That’s too damn convenient,” she says. “I have almost died so many times it almost has no impact.”

Stepping up into the open window, she glares at me, and my heart begins to pound. Fuck.

“Get down, baby,” I command, swallowing hard. “Yell at me some more, hit me, fight me. Don’t do this.”

“You think I’m going to kill myself?” she asks, snorting. “And what if I did?”

“Life isn’t the same without you in it,” I growl. “The nightmares I had?—“

“That’s called guilt,” she laughs. “I’m not responsible for the bed you made.”

“Rachelle,” I plead, forgetting myself. “I’m a shadow of myself without you.”

Huffing in annoyance, she tosses her backpack at me, facing the campus. Her hair whips around her from the wind, and I drop my own backpack in case I need to make a grab for her. I don’t like her tone.

“Let’s try this again,” I grunt. “I know I don’t deserve to have a chance with you, but that’s not going to change how much I care about you. In a very fucked up way, all I want is to make your day better. Even if it means holding your hand while you drool and telling you stories about Lili.”

Rachelle takes a step closer to the edge, and my heart begins to stutter. I can’t survive without her. She can hate me, as long as she draws breath.

“What do you want from me?” I finally ask. My feet are moving closer to her as quietly as possible. I knew this conversation would trigger her, yet I’m having it anyway.

“I want to go back in time,” she says, the words almost being torn from her by the wind. “I’ve lost so much of it, because you wanted a life. How is that going for you? Is it worth it?”

“No, yes, I don’t know!” I yell. “Come back off the ledge.”

“I don’t want to. You have this perfect life with Jared and Theo. Do you just need a pussy to fuck?” she asks crassly.

“None but yours will do,” I snarl. “Most people here think we’re gay.

I’m happy to make people think that so I won’t get hit on.

The thought of a girl flirting with me, other than you, gives me hives.

My sensory issues are worse than ever. I don’t want to be around people, which is why I work in the dungeon.

I can float around in the background and disappear when I need a break.

That’s why I saw you the first day you left work. You’re who I need.”

“Wishes are useless. I wish for a lot of things, but here I am, still broken.”

“So be broken! Who the fuck cares, we all are in some way. You’re the first person Theo has wanted to help put back together, and Jared has never wanted to claim a girl like he does you,” I say. “I just want a chance to show you that I’m different.”

“I don’t know that you are,” she whispers, her toe almost over the edge.

“If you wanted me to throw this miserable life away and go work for my parents, I would,” I say. “If that would make you happy, I’d do it.”

No one wants to be a sex trafficker, but if this is what I need to do for penance, I’d do it.

“Don’t be stupid, Elijah,” she says. “No one wants you to do that. I don’t want to be with a man who thinks that little of himself or me. Be a better fucking person than the sad boy who thought the only way out of his current path was to kill me. I’m really fucking tired…”

I’m rushing her before I fully recognize that I’m moving, yanking her off the ledge and shoving her back against the wall. My hand is shaking, so I ground us both by sinking my fingers into her hair and pulling on it, desperate to hear her gasp.

She’s alive. Fuck, her lips aren’t blue, her chest is rising and falling. I’ve witnessed her near death twice in my life, I never want to see it again.

My lips are crashing against hers before I can stop, her hands pushing me away as I grind my hips against hers.

“You don’t get to leave me in this miserable world alone,” I growl against her lips. “I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you that you’re needed, wanted, and loved.”

“You can’t love someone you don’t know,” she breathes.

“The fuck I can’t,” I rumble. “I’ve seen you at your worst and at your fiercest, baby. I’ve held you in my arms after days of starvation. You don’t get to tell me what I fucking feel or don’t.”

Her eyes soften for a moment, and I can’t help myself. Kissing her hard, I grab her leg and hitch it over my hip to keep her from kneeing me in the groin. I’ve been brought to my knees by her before, I only want to be there if I get to worship between her thighs.

“You’re a dick,” she says, breathing heavily as I raise my head.

“I’m well aware of my faults,” I mutter. “You can remind me of them all.”

This time, when she pushes me away, I let her.

“I don’t know how to feel around you,” she sighs. “I’m exhausted and this isn’t the time to bring up the ghosts of our mistakes.”

“Then when?” I ask Rachelle, but her feet are already taking her away from me.

“When I don’t feel like you took everything from me,” she whispers.

Fuck. Knowing I won’t be able to get more than this from her, I follow her down the stairs.

I don’t like to fail. All I can do is show her I’m not the person that she clearly must see when she looks at me. A murderer who stepped on her to get what he wanted.

Fear, selfishness, and desperation led to the worst decision of my life.