Page 37

RACHELLE

T he world is really cold, there’s water everywhere, and my body feels heavy.

I’m in a creek, and the Kings are laughing as they wave from the bank.

“I can’t swim!” I scream as the water pulls at my shredded clothing. Despite being destroyed, they’re still heavy, and the undercurrent pulls me under.

The brackish water goes up my nose, and I choke on it despite trying to keep my mouth closed. The grass growing along the bottom of the creek feels as if it’s wrapping itself around my limbs, holding me under as the rushing current tries to pull me downstream.

No matter how much I fight to get free, I can’t. My lungs are burning, my body is getting so much heavier, but I don’t want to die. I imagine the guys gazing down at me, hating everything I stand for, waiting for my body to surface with unseeing eyes.

It’s so easy to be thrown into the past. Even Ignacio is above me laughing, while I drown in silence. The world is drab and dark down here…

“Rachelle, wake up! Come on, open your eyes,” someone says urgently.

It’s enough to pull me from the nightmare my mind crafted together between my imagination and the past. Sucking in a breath, my eyes open wide as I gaze up at Liliana.

“Fuck, there you are. I fell asleep and woke up to you struggling in your dreams,” she explains. “I couldn’t reach you.”

“I was being pulled underwater by the current and grass of the creek. I couldn’t break away,” I whisper, tears streaming down my face as I remember the nightmare.

Even now, the memory of it is slipping from my fingers. It’s the way it always is with my dreams now. It terrifies me in the moment, and all I’m left with is the memory of the fear without context quickly after.

“Do you remember anything else?” she asks as I sit up and lay my head on her shoulder.

“There was someone watching, but I don’t remember who it was now,” I sigh.

My stomach chooses that moment to growl, and my lips twitch in amusement as I wipe my tears away.

“I came over initially with the idea of making you breakfast, but now it’s well into lunch time,” Lili says with a smirk. “It’s a nice day, will you go out with me?”

Biting my lip, I gaze out the window, anxiety clawing at my insides. I need a shower after my nightmare. I’m afraid to smell myself, certain I’ll smell the sour scent of fear and sweat.

“I can try,” I say honestly.

“I’m going to be stage four clinger right now, but I don’t care,” she says.

“You?” I ask with a small smile, moving a safe distance away until I can shower. “How so?”

“I want you to move in with Ignacio and I,” she says. “I know it’s really soon, but this place is so…”

“I haven’t bothered decorating,” I admit, looking around the room, trying to see what she does. It feels lifeless and sad.

“It feels like you’ve just been trying to survive,” Liliana says instead. “You’ll still have space because I have class and work, but there will always be good food and a beautiful view. Sometimes it helps when you know you don’t have to cook it.“

“The energy I know it’ll take to get up and fix food sometimes is overwhelming,” I say.

“Other times, time just gets away from me. Work actually forces me to pay attention to the passing of time because I know I have to be somewhere. My classes are all recorded online, so that doesn’t have the same impact. ”

“What if you took an in-person class?” Lili asks, swallowing thickly. “Would that help?”

“I don’t know,” I murmur. “Classes are already a month in, maybe I can try in the summer. I’m currently enrolled in a program through a university in San Diego. I’m taking all of the prerequisite courses because it’s just something to do.”

“You mean your stepfather didn’t brow beat you into submission about your major?” she asks with a laugh. “The man chose most of my classes this year.”

“Really?” I ask, blinking in surprise. “He’s never been like that with me. I think the most heavy-handed thing that he’s done is insist that I spend time with Jared, Theo, and Elijah.”

“How is that going?” she asks.

“They confuse the hell out of me,” I groan. “I don’t trust them, so when they do something nice I immediately want to pull apart their reasoning for it.”

Standing, I shrug. “I’m going to shower and take my medicine. Then, we can tackle leaving,” I say.

“I’ll be here,” Lili says with a smirk, getting comfortable. The only thing mildly tolerable in this apartment is my couch.

My phone lights up as I turn away, and I pick it up as I walk to my bathroom.

Emil:

Okay, mija. Tell me what the game plan is here. I just cursed out your ex-therapist, reminded him he took an oath to not cause harm, and am looking for a psychiatrist to go over your current med list.

God I love this man. It doesn’t matter that I could have overreacted, he takes my words at face value.

Me:

I’m kind of winging it. Liliana asked me to move in and I’m seriously considering doing that. I think I should try to connect to the world again.

Emil:

There is no reason you can’t under your pseudonym until I can get you cleared from the bet with the Kings Society. I’m calling you.

A second later, the phone rings, and I move to my bedroom instead to answer.

“Hello,” I say, dropping onto my bed.

“ Buenas tardes ,” Emil says. “ I’m currently collecting favors with some of the members of the Kings Society. I’m ensuring that I have the things they need, and biding my time.”

“Do you really want to waste favors on me?” I ask, making a face.

“ I’m going to pretend that you didn’t say that,” he grumbles. “ You’re an important part of my family. The world has gone to shit without you in it. We aren’t even going to discuss your mother at the moment.”

Gazing unseeingly at the wall, I nod. Mom is currently at a retreat in Bali because she can’t handle reminders of me. She told Emil that all she can think about is how she failed me. I don’t believe she did, not anymore.

We all do the best we can with what we’re given, and the world is really fucking cruel.

“ I want my wife back,” Emil growls. “ You have to be safe before that can happen, though. So yes, I do need to trade all the favors I can gather to bring that to fruition.”

No one else knows where Mom is right now.

It’s to prevent people from talking shit as much as it is to give her privacy.

It’s no one’s business, but it also allows Emil to do what he needs to while knowing she’s safely tucked away.

I don’t want to think about what she’s going to say or think when she finds out where I’ve actually been.

I hope that she can forgive us all.

“Okay,” I mumble. “I suppose the game plan is giving up my lease and moving in with Lili and Nacio. I don’t really have much to take with me. I’m hoping it’ll give me a better schedule to keep. I definitely won’t go hungry.”

“ Don’t joke about that,” Emil mutters. He’s very grumpy today. “ When are you seeing those boys again?”

“Ugh, I don’t know. They tend to find me,” I admit.

“ Well don’t take any of their shit, mija ,” he says. “ You give them hell. There will be no people pleasing. Is that understood?”

“Yes, sir,” I say with a little salute he can’t see.

Emil chuckles under his breath, saying, “ Alright, Miss Sasshole. That’s the attitude I want you to give the rest of the world. Enjoy your day.”

Saying goodbye, I still have a smile on my lips as I walk to the bathroom and shower. Somehow, he helps me feel better when my life feels out of control.

Wrapped in a towel, I chuckle as I see Lili has relocated to the bedroom to begin packing up my clothes and things.

“Someone is excited,” I tease as I poke through the clothes on the bed where she’s packing to pull out underwear, a bra, and a long sleeved dress with tights. February is a chilly month in California.

“I’m a little more excited about what’s under the towel,” she says with a smirk, turning to sit on the bed so she can watch me.

Rolling my eyes, I let it drop slowly, enjoying her eyes on me as I cover my body up. Seems a bit wrong when her hooded eyes are so heated, but we’ll never leave if I don’t.

“You can undress me later,” I say with a giggle, reaching over to help her pack. Her hands grab my ass, pulling me into her lap and not at all helping the situation.

The sound of a knock on the door makes me freeze, and I bite my lip as I glance over my shoulder.

“Who would that be?” I mutter, listening to the knock continue. “I’m not expecting anyone, and that doesn’t sound like the guys. It’s ridiculous that I know the way they knock.”

“It’s too forceful,” she agrees. “If they wanted in, they’d just break in. This is weird."

Getting up, I walk to the door tentatively. My anxiety is telling me something bad will happen if I open the door, but I can feel Liliana at my back.

“I’m texting Mr. Emil,” she says. “If it’s a really overzealous delivery person then so be it. I’m not taking chances with your safety.”

Looking through the peephole, I see two police officers standing beside three men. I’m still confused and even more terrified than before.

“Miss Thompson, open up!” the officer barks out. “This is a welfare check!”

“I’m fine and not in need of one!” I call out through the door. “Please go away.”

“I’ll break open the door, Thompson,” he warns.

My poor fucking door.

Glancing at Lili, I watch as she runs to the couch to pull on her jacket to cover the gun at her back.

“Mr. Emil says he’s calling his lawyer,” she says. “Open the door.”

Unlocking the various locks at a snail’s pace, my hands shake with trepidation. No one I know would call in a welfare check except for my ex-therapist. God, would he really be this petty? Knowing my stepfather, this is the last thing the idiot will ever do.

Do stupid shit, win stupid prizes.

My fears begin to morph into anger as I swing the door open slowly.

“How can I help you?” I ask them.

“Yes,” the officer says in an odd way. It’s almost as if he’s going through the motions to be able to cover his own ass for what’s about to happen.

Fuck. “We had a call come in about your erratic behavior. Your therapist reported that you’re refusing to take your antipsychotic medication, which is a willful refusal to take care of yourself. ”

“That’s not true,” I state, my brows pinching together as I watch a man pull out what appears to be a white canvas material with buckles.

Is that a straitjacket? I didn’t think those were used anymore.

“We can get it all figured out during a seventy-two hour hold,” the man holding the jacket says soothingly.

“No,” I say, attempting to slam the door shut. Unfortunately, the men throw their weight against me, and I’m unable to close it.

“Thoughts that you’re a dead girl are just an example that you’re having delusions,” one of the other men with him says. “Rachel, you’re not well, and your medication needs to be adjusted. Your therapist is simply trying to help you.”

Liliana throws her weight against the door with me, and I realize I’m damned either way. I can’t tell them that I’m actually a dead girl, nor can I coherently explain why my ex-therapist is a spiteful pile of shit.

“You don’t have the facts, and I refuse to go with you,” I say loudly. “I want my lawyer. I do not have plans nor thoughts of killing myself. Get out.”

The men manage to push the door open and I feel as if I’m being stalked as the police officers grab Liliana while the men pursue me carefully. My chest is heaving, my vision feels as if it’s tunneling, and yet I still can’t get enough air.

Why can’t I breathe?

“Now, Rachel. I’m Haven, and I’m here to make all the bad thoughts go bye bye,” a man with greasy hair, a big nose, and hunched shoulders says condescendingly.

They’re fucking corralling me as I continue to wheeze that I don’t want to go with them. The man with the buck teeth and the straitjacket grins as I’m grabbed from behind, shoving my arms through the jacket. Before I know it, the thing is wrapped and snapped.

“This didn’t have to be so hard,” Haven sighs, pulling out a capped syringe.

“Get that away from her,” Lili screams. “It is assault to inject her with that.”

One of the police officers shifts on his feet, while we begin to attract the attention of my neighbors. Unfortunately, I tend to do this more often than I’d like. An older woman from across the hall looks scared and worried as she watches, and I shake my head wildly, spitting in the man’s face.

I doubt I’m winning any points for my sanity, but I don’t want what’s in that syringe.

Haven continues to step forward, while no one tells him to stop except for Liliana, who is actively fighting the cops.

One of them gets annoyed with her and shoves his taser in her side, ignoring the people outside.

No one in my apartment seems to give two shits about human rights.

I bet Ignacio was treated better in prison.

“Next time,” Haven whispers as he uncaps the syringe, “take the fucking Haldol, little girl. Then I wouldn’t have had to come out here to make you.”

My hair is pulled hard by someone to bare my neck, and I feel the sting of the syringe entering my skin.

I’ve worked so hard to get to the place that I’m at right now, yet I can feel it all slipping away.

I’ve fought the voices, forced myself to leave the house to go to work, I was going to move in with Ignacio and Liliana!

But now… the darkness is gnawing and wide, and there’s no outrunning it.