Page 34

IGNACIO

“ D o you want to spend the night?” Liliana asks as we cuddle after a nap.

I saw Rachelle’s tears after we had sex, and I know that I need to address them soon. I don’t know if I did something wrong, if she had post orgasm emotions, or if it was something else entirely.

I know emotions are big after sex, especially for women. I’ve done a lot of reading since I got out of prison. Liliana sometimes glances at the computer screen and just smiles. There’s no judgement, just a kiss on the cheek and a comment about how true something is that I’m reading.

She’s now my fact checker on the articles I read as to how factual they actually are.

“I can’t,” Rachelle says, wrinkling her nose. “My meds are in the apartment. Also…shit. If they locked everything down, then I can’t get in since I don’t have my keys, now can I?”

“Rachelle, I can get you in,” I remind her. “I’ve been picking locks since I was tiny.”

“The only reason you get a pass on that is because of who your father is,” she grumbles. “I’m looking forward to seeing how much of a mess I am when I have to leave.”

“We’ll be there with you,” I murmur. “The courtyard also connects to the garage. It’s one straight shot. Would it help to see how pretty it all is?”

“It’s so difficult to explain the fear,” she sighs. “Unless I know someone is expecting me for work or something I can’t miss, it’s very difficult to leave without my heart beating out of my chest and a panic attack. I had to talk myself through leaving for my shift the other day.”

“Is it easier knowing that you may disappoint someone else?” I ask, trying to understand.

“Yes,” Rachelle says with a nod as she rests her chin on her hand as we talk.

“What about disappointing yourself?” I ask gently, despite Lili’s glare at me.

“I…” she trails off as she thinks about it. “What I want hasn’t mattered in a really long time. I didn’t want to pretend to be dead, or move to a city where I don’t know anyone or anything…”

Her voice breaks as she drops her face into the crook of her arm, and while I feel like shit, I’m not afraid of her tears.

Not anymore. I would rather see them than not because it means she’s alive and with me.

Sitting up, I pull her slight body into my arms. She’s so fucking tiny, and the reminder that she skips meals at times upsets me.

My arms wrap around her as Liliana sits up, and pulls up the blanket around her body.

“Your choices have been nil,” I agree. “We’ve all been manipulated, due to circumstances outside of our control. None of it has been fair, and I think you may have had the worst of it.”

“But you were in jail,” Rachelle wails. “I’m just inept, frozen in fear and despair. I’m weak.”

“You’re not,” Liliana interjects. “You almost died, baby.”

“Elijah begged me to stop,” I sigh. “In his mind, you had to die so that he could be free. That’s the mindset we grew up with.

I decided my freedom wasn’t more important than yours in the end.

Fuck, that may have been why I forfeited mine.

I didn’t want to walk around in a world that you weren’t in. ”

Liliana’s eyes grow huge as she begins to understand.

“It didn’t seem fair to stay out of prison with you, Lili,” I whisper, knowing how fucked up my admission is. “It’s not that you weren't enough, it’s more that I was punishing myself.”

“You’re an idiot,” Lili mutters. “I get it, but I’m still kind of mad at you.”

“Me too,” Rachelle says. “You fucking went to prison!”

“I know, and you stopped living,” I admonish. “Liliana is addicted to killing people. We’re all a mess.”

While Lili glares at me and Rachelle glances at her, I shrug. The secrets have to escape at some point.

“The only thing that helps silence my mind is ending lives,” Lili whispers.

“It kept me from cutting because I knew you’d haunt my ass, Rachelle, so I learned the best and most effective torture techniques until Mr. Emil sent me to try to stop the drug running happening here.

My dad has been worried about me, and being here has helped. ”

“If you’re working for Emil, there’s still killing,” Rachelle says perceptively.

“Yeah, there is. They deserve it, though. I’ve tortured, but not killed anyone in three weeks. The last two people wanted to rape me, so I figure it evened out,” Lili says.

She continues to explain some more, while Rachelle nods. The conversation slows her crying, and I rub her back in circles. She’s naked in my lap, completely not paying attention to her nudity. I think having sex helped with some of that shyness.

“What do you want to do?” I ask as Lili finishes telling all of her secrets. There are some even I didn’t know. My father is a manipulative bastard, always has been, despite his reasons for it.

“I guess I should go home because staying healthy means continuing my meds,” Rachelle says.

Pressing a kiss against her forehead, I nod and we get up to dress.

“I want to add to your list,” Liliana says. “Instead of it being a bucket type of list, I want it to be reasons to stay.”

Rachelle’s face pinches with emotion as she pulls down her shirt but nods.

“I want to take you both out on a date,” I say honestly, pocketing my lockpicking kit.

“Dad said that the Kings Society couldn’t find out you were alive, but they don’t have a presence in Santa Barbara.

They’re more established in the larger cities of California.

We’ll work up to doing things together.”

“The fear comes from being out by myself, having something happen, and dying alone,” she whispers. “It’s something I figured out with my therapist, but it still terrifies me.”

“Lili suggested it, but if we’re with you, would it be possible it’ll help?” I ask Rachelle carefully, watching as Lili straps her weapons on. “I don’t wear a gun or knives unless it’s for a good reason because I’m on parole, but our girl is always packing.”

Lili winks as she puts her gun into the holster at her back and pulls on a lightweight jacket.

“Maybe,” Rachelle says carefully. “I’m willing to try.”

“You’re not wearing shoes, so I’m going to carry you out,” I say. “It’ll alter the experiment, but this way you can hide your face.”

Walking together out of the room and down the stairs, I watch as Rachelle plays with my words in her mind.

I’ve never struggled with anxiety like this so I don’t have a marker for it.

However, I’ve seen her fight through depression, voices in her head, and almost throw herself off the roof of my house to quiet them.

I’m not discounting any of this. It’s real to her, therefore it’s real.

“Are you sure you want to sign up for all of this?” she asks, her hand waving over her body. “I’m a train wreck.”

“Our train wreck,” Lili says with a smile. “I can’t sleep unless it’s in the safe room.”

That’s the only thing she hadn’t told her yet, and Rachelle’s hair whips around as she looks at her. Her foot also slips on a stair, but I reach down and grab her pants to pull her back.

“Thanks,” she wheezes, gazing up at me as I kiss her between the eyes.

“Don’t mention it.”

“Where’s the safe room?” Rachelle asks, picking up the conversation as if nothing happened.

“In my bedroom closet,” Liliana says, taking her hand as we finish walking down the stairs. Rachelle can’t be trusted not to get distracted.

“Sounds protected,” Rachelle admires.

Making our way through the house, Lili points at the back door as I sweep Rachelle off her feet. I enjoy the sound of her laugh as she snuggles into my arms. I want to be her safe place, and hope she can feel the strength in my arms.

“It’s about thirty feet across the courtyard, Baby Girl,” she says, opening the door. The three of us step through it before she closes and locks it, hitting a button to reset the alarm. “Dad told me I can see about setting up more furniture out here if I want. What do you think?”

Her breathing is elevated as we stride across the space, and I know she’s trying to deflect Rachelle’s attention. Looking around quickly before hiding her face, the girl in my arms nods quickly. While the sky is dark, the twinkle lights are shining brightly.

“I like the swing,” Rachelle says weakly. “Maybe you can plant more flowers and get a rug too?”

“Think you can help so I don’t kill them?” Lili teases her as she makes it to the garage and unlocks that door. “We made it, guys.”

“That could have been worse,” Rachelle says in a high pitched voice as Lili unlocks the SUV’s doors.

“Where do you want to sit?” I ask Rachelle as I debate just getting into the back seat with her.

“It’s it awful if I say somewhere I don’t have to stop touching you?” she asks.

“Not at all,” I reply, opening the back door of the vehicle and climbing in with her.

“I don’t really care about the law,” Lili says with a shrug as she gets into the driver seat. “Maybe try to look like your butt is on the leather.”

Smirking, I do my best, while Rachelle takes a breath.

“We did some of the hard parts,” I remind her. “Now we’re getting to your apartment, and it being dark out will help.”

Shutting my door, I think about how to keep her distracted as she snuggles into my side. The garage door interrupts the silence as it opens, and Rachelle yawns wide.

“How do you sleep?” Lili asks perceptively.

“I have a sleeping medication in my bathroom that helps,” Rachelle murmurs. “It always leaves me groggy though. I want to see if there’s something else I can try, but my therapist appointment isn’t for a few more days.”

“Hmm,” I say, but it’s not my place to butt in. Even if I hate how much medication she’s on.

Rachelle is fine as we drive, and is almost asleep by the time we arrive at her apartment. Lili and I share a glance as we get out of the vehicle, and I carry her upstairs.

“She fell asleep really fast,” I say as we walk.

“I noticed,” Lili says, brows furrowing. “I know she has a problem, Ignacio. I do. However, I’ve seen her at some of her lowest moments and she wasn’t on all of these medications then.”