Page 32
Clearly, Amber’s mother was yet to forgive her for her neglect of her daughter, Becky realised when she was greeted by the rather stony-faced Hannah at the door of Amber’s childhood home.
She’d managed to get the six-thirty train and although she hadn’t been able to get a taxi at the busy station, had walked as quickly as she could to get here. Now it was almost half past seven and she was sweaty and uncomfortable. But she was here.
She tried to rise above Hannah’s cold expression – after all, the woman was worried about her daughter and, rightly or wrongly, felt that Becky was partly responsible for what had happened. Hopefully she’d thaw once she heard that Becky had walked away from a six-figure salary to visit her friend.
Oh my God , she thought as she climbed the stairs to Amber’s childhood bedroom, feeling the familiarity of each step, recognising the curve in the stairway, feeling suddenly fourteen again and set for an evening of watching Four Weddings and eating crisps.
Nothing much had changed in the house, except that everything looked somehow smaller and felt almost surreal.
It was almost like travelling back in time to the early noughties when life was laid out like a map with short-term goals and lots of free time around the edges.
Only they hadn’t appreciated it then, of course.
Along the road was the house she ’d grown up in; the one she’d lived in until she’d left for uni.
She’d been devastated when Mum had sold it.
‘I can’t stay here on my own, Rebecca!’ But suddenly, now, she understood her mum’s reaction a bit more.
Sometimes a place absorbs memories that are hard to bear.
She almost laughed when she reached Amber’s bedroom and saw the painted sign her parents had bought for her, aged twelve, a year before their divorce – cursive writing on a little piece of wood, the words ‘Amber’s Room’ next to a picture of a little girl in a summer hat.
Then she stilled herself, tried to arrange her face into the position of someone who hadn’t just thrown her life down the toilet (as her mum might term it) or embraced change (as perhaps Maud would) and knocked.
‘Yeah?’ Amber said from within.
Becky opened the door and peered around a crack. ‘Time for a visitor?’
‘Oh, thank God!’ Amber sat up a little against the pillow. ‘Mum keeps knocking to see if I want any more soup and honestly it’s kind of her, but…’
‘You hate soup?’
‘You got it!’ Amber nodded. ‘But she’d forgotten – it’s been so long since she’s cooked for me. And I took a bowl just to be nice. Now I’m worried I’m going to have to have it every day.’
‘Come back hospital food, all is forgiven?’ suggested Becky with a grin.
‘I wouldn’t go that far,’ said her friend darkly.
They both laughed then, as if they’d been choreographed, and turned their eyes away from each other as the laughter died. ‘How you feeling?’ Becky asked.
‘I’m OK. More scared than actually sick.’
‘Scared?’
‘Yeah. It’s like in the hospital I had all these doctors and nurses to tell me whether I was OK or not. Now it’s just me and Mum and every ache or twinge makes me panic.’ Amber shrugged. ‘Guess it’s in the genes.’
‘Come on, Amber. You’re nothing like your mum. I mean, she’s adorable. And she loves you. But you’ve always been more confident, less anxious than her.’
‘Until now?’
‘Nonsense.’ Becky gave her arm a squeeze. ‘It’s a setback, that’s all.’
‘Do you know that Mum had a year when she could barely leave the house? That’s why she didn’t come to my graduation. I said she was ill, and everyone just assumed… physically. She’s got better since then, but I never really understood how the outside world could be scary – until now.’
‘Oh hon. You should have told me!’
Amber shrugged. ‘What if that’s me, now? What if I get so nervous I throw my life away?’
‘Hey. I won’t let you,’ Becky promised. They smiled at each other and she gently rubbed her friend’s arm. It was hard to see Amber in this state, weird to see her in this house. And heartbreaking to realise that for the foreseeable future, they wouldn’t be living together any more.
‘Promise?’
‘If all else fails,’ Becky said, keeping her face serious, ‘I’ll send my mum around to get you out of bed.’
Amber laughed properly now. ‘I don’t want you to go to extremes!’
They were silent for a moment, the sound of children playing in next door’s garden reminding them both that it was summer, early evening, that brightness and light awaited them outside if they opted to choose them.
‘Anyway,’ Amber said, attempting to sit up a bit more. ‘Tell me about your day. First day back. Were you nervous?’
‘It was fine,’ Becky lied. ‘Let’s not bog ourselves down with work talk. What about you? What do you think you’re going to do this week?’
Amber grimaced. ‘Look, I know I told you off for being self-obsessed. But right now? I don’t want to talk about me. I need a distraction. Please tell me about your spreadsheets and your emails – I need a dose of normality.’
Becky made a face. ‘Not sure you’re going to get a dose of normality from me after today’s complete disaster.’
‘Come on, now you have to tell me,’ Amber said, looking and sounding momentarily more like her old self.
‘OK. Well, you know our favourite comfort film?’
‘ Love Actually ?’
‘No! Jerry Maguire .’
‘Oh no.’ Amber said, making a face.
‘What? I haven’t even told you yet.’
‘But it doesn’t bode well. Don’t tell me you wrote a mission statement for your firm?’
‘Not quite.’
‘Someone made you promise to show them the money?’
‘You’re getting closer.’
‘Your fiancé punched you in the face?’
‘I wish. Not that I have a fiancé of course.’
‘Insignificant detail.’
‘OK, well, I flipped out in the office, stormed out. And oh God, Amber, for a minute I thought about grabbing one of the fish.’
‘You… what?’
‘Yeah, I saw the tank and?—’
‘No, back up. You flipped out at work again?’
‘Yeah, kind of.’
‘On your first day back?’ Amber’s face was creased with concern. ‘You didn’t throw another?—’
‘Oh no! It wasn’t like that. Not stress-related at all, really. No laptops or interns were harmed. I did a good day’s work, more or less.’
‘So, what happened?’
‘Maurice wanted me to stay and I refused. Told him I had to see you. And he lost it!’
‘So you quit? Tell me you didn’t actually quit. Not for me. Oh, Becky!’
‘I did quit. And not just for you. I need a job that allows me to have some sort of life. And I guess I was scared that if I agreed to stay, then it would be a slippery slope back to… well, back to the way I was living before. Because I wasn’t happy. Not really.’
‘Your mum is going to kill you.’
‘I know.’ Becky covered her mouth and looked at her friend’s shocked face.
Then, as was always customary in the past when they’d been sent out of class for talking, or got into trouble for sneaking sweets into lessons, or that one time when a bouncer denied a relatively sober Amber access to a club for being too drunk, they descended into giggles.
Hysterical, disbelieving, life-affirming giggles.
‘Oh my God. I can’t believe you did that,’ Amber gasped at last.
‘Guess we’re both unemployed.’
‘And unemployable.’ Amber’s remark sobered them both up for a moment. ‘What are you going to do?’ she asked. ‘You could still retract it? Say you were stressed? You’d probably be able to speak to?—’
‘No.’ Becky shook her head.
‘It’s worth a?—’
‘It’s not,’ she said. ‘Yes, I could probably pull a few strings, do a bit of grovelling. Cite stress or bring up hormones – Maurice can’t handle talk of hormones, he’d probably give me a promotion just to shut me up. But you know what? It felt right. It feels right still.’
‘Storming out?’
‘ Getting out. Getting away. I… This is going to sound crazy but I feel like something’s changed in me. I don’t belong there any more.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah. I mean, I probably should have done things more professionally, but…’
‘That ship has sailed?’
‘It’s disappeared over the horizon for good.’
Amber looked at her hands as they rested on her duvet. ‘Are you going to go back to France or something?’
‘No, don’t worry. I’ll go and do the launch. Say goodbye to Maud properly. See the café for the last time. But I’m not going to stay there.’
‘Are you sure?’ Amber shifted slightly, her voice more animated. ‘Because you know what I’d do if I were you? I’d get on that plane and not look back. You’ve got Pascal, you’ve got a business. Everything’s opening up for you over there.’
‘You would?’
Amber squeezed her hand. ‘In a heartbeat. I mean. Look at me. I’ve lost all of it. Rufus really has it out for me?—’
‘We can take him down. Together. I’ll help. We’ll get a lawyer?—’
‘I don’t know. We could. And probably should.
But it will take ages and lots of energy that I don’t have yet.
Either way, for now, my career is… tarnished, to say the least. And I have no idea when I’ll feel OK to work.
Physically, I’m all right. They told me to start exercising, start getting on with life. But mentally I’m… stuck.’
‘Oh Amber.’
‘Yep. Do you know what I’d give to have options? That’s what money gets you, you know. Options.’
Becky nodded.
‘But look,’ Amber said smiling. ‘You quit your job for me. That’s pretty amazing.’
‘For you, and for me. And because I guess I’ve changed.’
‘Or you’ve found who you really are. Who you already were. There was something right about seeing you in France.’
‘Maybe.’
‘So go back over,’ Amber said firmly. ‘Finish the job. See what you feel like. But, well… at least don’t write off the possibility that you could stay. I know I would.’
Becky reached for Amber’s hand. ‘But what about you?’
‘I’ll be fine. You know for a fact I won’t starve. There’s always soup! And if you stayed because of some sort of loyalty to me, I’d hate that. I really would.’
‘Oh.’
‘I love you, chick. But I’m not responsible for you. I can’t carry that as well,’ Amber said firmly.
‘OK, well, I guess I’ve got a lot to think about.’
‘Looks like it.’
‘Will you do one thing for me though?’ Becky said softly.
‘What?’
She grinned. ‘Will you call my mum for me? Because honestly, I think she’ll probably lock me in my bedroom if she gets wind of this.’
‘Afraid you’re on your own,’ Amber grinned. ‘One difficult mother is my maximum.’
They laughed. ‘Ah, but they love us,’ Becky said.
‘That they do.’
Half an hour later, Becky left. Passing a slightly less hostile version of Amber’s mother. And feeling, if not upbeat, then at least like someone with more of a sense of purpose than she’d entered the house with.
That was what best friends did, she realised. They held you up no matter what.
Table of Contents
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- Page 32 (Reading here)
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