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Chapter Two

NICOLE

I fucking love guacamole.

My ex-girlfriend always rolled her eyes at that fact, calling me basic and encouraging me to branch out.

Colleen was a certified food snob, and because Mexican food was such a common and exceptional cuisine in southern California, she was determined to find other, more niche foods to try and praise.

Whereas I could eat Mexican food every day for the rest of my life and be happy.

I really wanted to feel happy.

Whatever that looked like.

A sharp pain stabbed me in my lungs unexpectedly, which happened more often than I’d like.

My ex always snuck into my mind, even after so much time had passed.

Small things triggered the memories. Whenever I had to work late at my dream job.

Whenever I came home with some flowers that I thought were cute and bought myself.

Eating the greatest food on the planet because only a very bitter, sad person could hate guac as much as she did.

At least I finally had the opportunity to create financial stability while working at Sun Steer, because the company paid the best out of any tech startup in southern California.

I had to remind myself of the silver linings, no matter how small they were. I had been alone for so long. This was due to a number of reasons. One being that my parents passed, and I was an only child with no additional family nearby.

I had been feeling very much abandoned and unsupported during, what I would argue, was one of the most isolated chapters of my adult life. This was why I was trying to tag along with my co-workers to non-work things more often, desperate to stop mourning my last relationship.

I needed my own group of people. I needed my own friends outside of whatever relationship I found myself in next. I needed a foundation of support, so I wouldn’t find myself feeling abandoned if I experienced another breakup.

Shaking myself out of my spiraling thoughts, I scooped another chip of guac and shoved it in my mouth.

Happiness .

“Should we get another bowl?” Taylor asked.

Taylor .

I gave them a sheepish grin around my full bite, desperate to keep my lips closed.

Taylor Desmond was painfully attractive, and I had never felt more intimidated by a person in my life.

During the game, I kept watching Taylor whenever they adjusted their headband.

Their brown hair was thick and voluminous, mostly because they kept brushing their fingers through it.

When I first met them, they had little designs shaved into the back of their head.

Now, though, I noticed that their hair had grown out a bit.

It looked a little messier.

Sometimes, I wanted to mess it up even more.

Their eyes were a deep, dark blue as they raised their dark brows at me, because I hadn’t answered their question yet. Their dark eyelashes fanned with their waiting blink. When their smirk turned into a grin, I tried not to imagine what their full lips would taste like.

Their septum piercing was a gold ring today, and it twitched with their smile as they raised their hand to ask a passing waiter for another serving of guacamole.

Taylor didn’t even wait for my response.

They just got me more.

I usually gravitated toward femme-presenting women, like Colleen. Every long-term relationship I had been in was with femme women. I hadn’t dated anyone who dressed more masc and gender neutral, like Taylor. I had no idea how to flirt with them.

What would flirting with Taylor look like?

What would intimacy with Taylor look like? I’d pictured it many times since the first time I saw them at Signe Lange’s apartment. How their lean body would feel over mine. How the line of muscle on their stomach would taste under my tongue. The things they’d whisper to me.

I first met Taylor weeks ago at a girls’ night I attended at Signe’s apartment. They had shown up with another friend of Signe’s, only briefly, and the studio apartment suddenly felt too small.

It was the first time I felt attracted to someone since my breakup.

I didn’t think Taylor noticed me that night.

There was some drama unfolding, and they quickly excused themselves to let us brainstorm with Jacqueline about what to do for Leo.

But then Taylor and I officially met later at Laguna field, when they set up a speaker for Jacqueline to use while she danced her love for Leo.

Violet, another coworker of ours, also already knew Taylor. Her daughter had worked with them for a few years. So, when they brought up the fact that they were an occupational therapist earlier, I already knew about that.

I realized then that I probably shouldn’t pursue anything with them.

Our friend circles were already too intertwined.

If we started dating and broke up, I could lose these friendships I’d made with my coworkers.

Our workdays could end up tense and weird.

Uncomfortable. I didn’t want to risk losing what friendships I barely had over a broken romantic relationship again .

Obviously, this was assuming that Taylor reciprocated any attraction toward me. This was also assuming that their hypothetical attraction could lead to something more, because in my big fat romantic brain, attraction always led to big feelings and love confessions.

But I enjoyed talking with Taylor, because I appreciated the sound of their voice. It was a warm, soft voice that soothed me.

However, I was fresh out of the mourning stage of my breakup.

Just barely considering putting myself out there again.

Taylor, however, seemed so confident in a way I couldn’t put into words.

It was almost too intimidating, but against my better judgment, they thrilled me.

I wasn’t sure if it was my hormones taking over or if it was my personal intuition, but Taylor seemed like the kind of person who knew exactly what they were doing in the bedroom.

I wondered if they triggered this visceral reaction in everyone around them, or if it was just me.

Was I ready for someone like Taylor Desmond?

Definitely not , I thought to myself.

“Here you go,” the waiter returned with a fresh bowl of guac, and I sat straighter in my seat. We were all sharing a four-person table, each of us taking a side.

“Let me just—” Taylor had a smile on their face as they swapped out the half-eaten bowl of guac in front of me and replaced it with the full one.

Embarrassment immediately flooded my cheeks, “Oh, that’s okay, I don’t—”

“Please,” Taylor shook their head, their dark blue eyes dragged over me in a way that heated my core, “Have at it.”

I pressed my lips together, glancing at Leo and Jacqueline, who also seemed happy to finish off the half-empty bowl while I started on the fresh one.

“Thanks,” I murmured before accepting my fate. I was more than willing to fill up on guac in between sips from my margarita. I took a drink, trying to focus back on the conversation.

“I still don’t understand,” Jacqueline frowned. Leo and Taylor were desperately trying to explain to her what “scrum” was in the game. I was confused too, because I knew nothing about rugby. Leo tried connecting it to software development scrums, like what the engineers at work did.

But Jacqueline was in HR, and I was the CFO.

We weren’t involved in any program development at all.

So, we were still lost.

Taylor started grabbing bottles of hot sauce to explain what had happened during their match, and I grinned before the sound of laughter sent cold chills down my spine.

I knew that high-pitched laugh.

Colleen was here.

I froze with a chip halfway to my mouth.

She was off to the side somewhere, and my head swiveled in her direction before I could stop myself. Colleen and Sarah were at the bar, sipping cocktails and having a great time together.

Shit.

Fuck.

Shit-fuck.

I lowered my chip, suddenly sick to my stomach.

Memories of the last night we were together flooded my brain.

“I was lonely,” she told me, when I found her in bed with another woman that evening, “What did you expect from me?”

I don’t know, maybe a conversation about your feelings instead of sabotaging a year-long relationship with me?

I wasn’t getting any younger, and I wanted to find my person and be settled.

I wanted to have someone to have fun with during my retirement.

My parents never had that, because they had to work until the day they died.

Colleen knew how lonely I was.

She had “won” all our mutual friends in the breakup, because they were her friends first.

They were still together. All these months later, Colleen and Sarah were still obviously together. Seeing my ex and the woman she left me for made me want to disappear. I wished for a hole to open up under my chair and swallow me into the ground.

“Whoa, you good?” Taylor paused their rugby explanation and leaned toward me, making Jacqueline and Leo look at me too.

“Yeah,” I nodded, then turned and saw Colleen and Sarah lean forward to share a quick kiss. I shook my head, “No. Crap. I’m sorry.” I slammed my elbows down on the table and shielded my face with my hand. “My ex is over there.”

“Again?” Leo turned to Jacqueline, “Does this pub send out a signal to everyone’s exes?

” Jacqueline shrugged at his comment. I had no idea what they were talking about, but I peeked under my hand to see what they were up to.

I couldn’t look away from Colleen. She was beautiful, with natural blonde hair and a body to kill for.

Legs for miles. Her makeup was always flawless and looked natural enough to fool most people.

Sarah was just as stunning, wearing a jean skirt with sneakers and a crop top that showed off a belly-button ring.

Her red hair was casually braided away from her heart-shaped face.

Suddenly, perhaps feeling my eyes on her, Colleen turned toward our table. I hid my face with my hand before we made eye contact, “Shit, is she looking over here?” I murmured at the table.