Page 43

Feels Like by Gracie Abrams

“It’s my wedding day!” Paige shouts as she sprints around the room, Hads and Ella next to me as she jostles me awake from the floor. “Wake up, Ames!”

“I’m up. I’m up,” I say, smiling as soon as I see the three of them. “Holy shit. It’s tomorrow.”

“I’m going to make pancakes,” Ella says as she stretches before giving Paige a big hug. “Happy wedding day, Paigey.”

“What the fuck?” Hads says as she grabs her phone. “Ugh, I’ll be right back.”

“What’s going on?” I ask her, confused.

“My brother is having some sort of freak out over the color of his tie, according to Grant.” She sighs heavily as she whips the door open. “I knew this was coming.”

Ella and I start laughing as she leaves, wondering what a freak out from Oliver would look like. I’m sure even his freak outs are bland.

“Paige, why don’t you start the music and get the bathroom set up with all your makeup? I can grab your dress and hang it on the door.”

Just then, Claire and Sadie join us, Claire’s camera in her hand. I’m already emotional thinking about seeing these pictures after the fact.

“Sounds good!” Paige says, her smile bursting. “Sadie, did you bring the thing?”

“I did.” She smiles, handing Paige a small velvet bag. “Your something blue.”

Paige throws her arm around her best friend before she drags Claire and Sadie into her room, leaving me and Ella in the kitchen. I don’t even bother asking Ella if she wants me to help—I jump right in, grabbing some plates and utensils for us all.

“Are we going to ever talk about what happened in the parking lot that night?”

Her question doesn't surprise me. In fact, I thought she would have asked me about it before. “In college, I found an engagement ring in Henry’s apartment hidden in a book.”

The spatula falls from her hand as she looks over at me setting the table. “What?”

“I found the ring and ran from him, Ella. It was the weakest moment of my life, same as what I did at the airport. I was weak, and I left because of how terrified forever felt to me at the time.”

She flips a few pancakes on the griddle. “You came back, Amelia. I think you keep forgetting that. Yeah, sure, you had a weak moment, but you had enough strength to come back and fight for your friendships. Don’t you think you could do the same with him? ”

“I don’t want to hurt him again, Ells.” I loved him and then I broke him. I don’t think I have the strength to love him again if I know, deep down, I might panic and leave like I did last time. I’m trying to do better, but the what-ifs don’t ever stop.

And then she says two words that stop me in my tracks. “Then don’t.”

Sometimes, it really is as simple as that, but with me and Henry, I don’t think it ever could be. We’re messy. Complicated. We’re too intertwined, and we can’t just forget the past. I really wish it were that simple. If it was, I’d run right back to him at this very moment.

I have no time to form any words before Hads comes back into the room, her face a sliver away from laughing her ass off. “My brother is insane. It’s official.”

“Well, jail will do that to a person,” I joke, and Ella throws a chocolate chip at me.

“Did Oliver figure out a tie?” Ella asks, and Hads nods.

“And he calls me the dramatic one.” She shakes her head. “He settled on the one he originally picked because Leo told him to go with his gut. That’s all it took, and the freak out was for nothing.”

Sadie pokes her head outside of Paige’s room as Ella finishes the pancakes. “Are there mimosas, by any chance?”

“I knew I liked you,” Ella says as she grabs the orange juice and champagne, already one step ahead of her.

After the most nostalgic morning of my life and having to hold back my tears, I’m now standing on the beach, away from the hustle and bustle a few yards from me .

Weddings are notorious for thinking about love, life, and everything that comes with celebrating two people starting their forever together. All I can seem to think about is Henry.

At the rehearsal dinner, he told me he still had love for me.

That almost knocked me over, him saying that.

It brought me right back to the moment he said it for the first time in that grocery store parking lot.

I’ve replayed that moment a lot when I’ve felt unlovable, and I wish he knew how much that one conversation affected me.

Henry Hayes is the only proof I have of being loved, and I destroyed him.

Could I still love him? The answer is obvious. Of course I could, but should I? Should I subject him to this version of myself, who has no clue what the hell she’s doing? I can’t. I can’t throw myself back into his orbit if I don’t even love or understand who I am yet.

Maybe we could slowly get back to being friends, but I can’t force my way back into his life just because I regret the mistakes I made.

Ella is right, though. I know I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t have to. I could just fade from his life as if I didn't exist, and we’ll forever be a could have been. I’m not sure how this ends, Henry and I, and he’ll always be the biggest what-if of my life.

Neither of us can erase the memories of what we once were.

If only there were some way to do that, but even then, I wouldn't ever erase him from my head.

I showed him every part of myself I hated, that I was unsure about.

I gave him every piece of me, even if not vocally all the time.

Henry understood the songs I would play for him, understood those were me telling him the things I struggled to say.

I take a deep breath as I stare out at the ocean, feeling the water hitting my feet, my shoes hanging from my hand on my side.

Maybe that’s what we are. We’re not stars dying beside one another in the sky.

We’re not an unfinished story he has yet to write.

We’re a wave coming from the ocean, heading to shore, only to return to wherever it came from.

This part of our story is simply the wave hitting the sand, some of the water dissipating beneath someone's feet.

I’m not totally sure of anything in my life, but I am sure Henry and I are meant to be intertwined. I thought there was nothing left between us, but him saying what he did at the rehearsal dinner has given me hope, and even if it might be false, I still have to try.

My phone buzzes, and as I grab it from my small purse and see who the message is from, I have to grip my phone tighter so it doesn't fall into the water.

Kacey: We can absolutely set up a meeting. Just send me some times you’re available and I’ll make it work for you, Amelia.

Kacey: I’m glad you’re back over here. You’ve been missed.

I don't have any time to process the message before I feel a hand on my arm.

“Paige needs us,” is all she says before I follow her lead. By the time we get to Paige, my heart drops to my chest.

“Ames is here,” Ella says softly. “What’s going on, babe? Are you having second thoughts?”

She shakes her head into Hads’ shoulder before she grabs her phone from the pocket of her wedding dress, opening it to a text conversation. I know all of us are feeling the exact same thing as we read it.

Feeling guilty about missing half of her child's life is the lamest excuse for not showing up for her wedding—especially after they’ve been working to mend their relationship.

“She’s not coming,” Paige sniffles as a single tear drops from her face. “My own mother is going to miss my wedding. ”

Hads blots her tears from her face before she gets right into Maid of Honor mode. “It’s going to be okay, Paigey. Do you want me to ask Grant to walk you down the aisle? I’m sure he would do it.”

“Or I can grab my mom?” Sadie offers. “We always joked she was like a second mother to you when we were kids.”

“Or I could do it?” Hads says. “You are marrying my brother, so it would work, right?”

We all nod in agreement, but Paige shakes hers. Her sadness is still written all over her face, but a small smile comes through.

“No.” She walks around a little bit, pacing while her dress trails behind her. “I’m going to walk myself down the aisle. As long as I’ve got my girls, everything is going to be okay.”

We all hug before I go back to my seat behind the front row next to Jacks. Claire is off to the side, her camera at the ready.

The music begins, and I know nobody here is going to make it through the ceremony with dry eyes. The love that blankets our corner of this beach is tangible, and I’m grateful I get to be here to witness it.