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Amelia by Mimi Webb

“Tomorrow is the day.” Hads sniffles as we all get comfortable on Paige’s bed. There was only one thing on the schedule for after the rehearsal dinner, one final slumber party between the four of us.

Since we got back up here, we’ve all been a mess of emotions. Not only did Hads get us matching lavender silk pajamas for tonight, but we’re piled into Paige’s bed for one last girls’ night before tomorrow.

It’s terrifying to think about how time is passing us by so quickly.

I wish it would stop. I wish we could go back to that small classroom at Grand Mountain and relive all the wonderful moments.

All the laughter we shared. All the books we argued over.

All the charts Hads made for us until, eventually, our group got larger.

I want to live in these memories and never come out.

I’m nothing if not a person who longs to return to the moments I took for granted when I was in them. I often find myself wishing to go back, to have a redo, but I can’t. All we can do now is reminisce, the memories floating in and out of our heads as we talk about them.

“Do you guys think we’re friends in every universe?” Paige asks as we all settle in.

“Where did that come from, P?” Ella asks, grabbing her water bottle.

“Well, we read all these books about romance and platonic love, and in them, there’s always that feeling of knowing those characters will always find one another. I guess I just wondered if you guys ever think about who we would all be if we weren't in this timeline right now.”

“I don’t think there’s a universe where we all don’t find one another,” Hads says, leaning into her almost-sister.

“It would upset the balance,” I say as the girls laugh. “I’m glad you guys welcomed me back. I’m sure there’s a universe where I don’t get a second chance.”

“It wouldn't be the same without you, Ames.” Paige grabs my hand. “We’re glad you’re back.”

I look at Hads and Ella, and they nod in agreement.

“No more apologizing,” Ella says. “Let’s just be in one another's company, okay?”

“Got it.” I smile. “Are you guys hungry?”

“I could always go for some snacks.” Paige answers.

“What do you say we head for the kitchen and sit on the floor while we eat?” I ask. “For old time’s sake?”

After the words come out of my mouth, I realize how sad they are.

Here I am, sitting with my three favorite people in the world, telling them we should sit on the floor because those are some of my favorite memories.

So many nights, I met Paige in the kitchen and sat with her after she had a nightmare, or she couldn't sleep, and we ate snacks until the sun came up.

As the four of us grab blankets, water bottles, and ourselves, we head for the kitchen area and plop down in our spots, grabbing snacks and passing them around, huge smiles on all our faces as we settle in.

“Do you guys remember when we got drunk on Ella’s birthday and ended up on her kitchen floor until the sun came up?” Hads asks us, and we all laugh. “That was one of my favorite moments of sophomore year.”

“What I remember is you talking about how dreamy Grant’s eyes were that night,” Ella jokes, and Hads throws a chip at her.

“It was Amelia’s fault! She was the one talking about lakes, and it made me think of his eyes!”

“I haven't been that drunk since then,” Paige laughs.

“But my favorite part of that night was the next morning, when we made breakfast and listened to music. It was another one of those moments where I healed my inner child. There were so many mornings I either skipped breakfast or made it myself because my mom was too busy.”

A few tears fall from Paige’s eyes; I know she’s still worried about not having heard from her mom. She’s supposed to be here tomorrow, but the radio silence has us all worried she won’t show.

“You guys healed every bit of my inner child that you never broke in the first place. I really love you guys so much. I can’t imagine my life without you all in it.”

“Paige, oh my gosh, I cannot keep crying,” Ella says as she grabs the tissue box from the counter.

“To be fair, this is the most I’ve seen Amelia cry ever,” Hads jokes as she hands me a tissue. “It’s still freaky seeing you have emotions, but I like it. It suits you.”

“Thanks…I think,” I chuckle as I wipe my tears with my pajama sleeve. “To be honest, it’s still weird to me. I think my therapist broke me. ”

“More like healed you, Ames,” Ella tells me, grabbing my hand. “And we’re thankful for her doing God’s work.”

I shove her arm as we all laugh until we cry.

I wish I could send a message to the version of myself back in England who was terrified, lonely, and worried she was broken.

I would tell her we made some mistakes, but we survived them.

I would tell her we lost our friends, but we were smart enough to fight to get them back.

I would tell her life doesn't end when you graduate college—it actually begins, and you’ll fail a thousand times at a thousand different things, but you’ll come back from them every single time.

I would tell her she started completely over once, and she can do it again.

No matter how many times life tried to knock me down, throw me off track, I eventually figured it out, despite feeling every time like it was over.

I would tell her the friends she left would forgive her, and eventually, we would sit on the floor with them again and laugh until our ribs hurt, until we cried, because we’re all grateful to be next to one another.

“Do you guys want to know what I thought a lot about tonight?”

“Sure,” Hads says as she passes a snack to Paige.

“The Halloween party our senior year. The one where Ella and Leo matched.” I smile as I remember that night.

“That night feels like a fever dream looking back.

I mean, now Ella and Leo are dating. Oliver and Paige are getting married.

Hads and Grant are still going strong, and even though I ruined everything with Henry, that night makes me remember all the good things about college with you guys, like a mirror to the one we just had, except this time, I didn't fall asleep early.”

“That was a weird night,” Hads says. “I don’t know how I was so oblivious about Paige and Oliver. Looking back on it, I was an idiot.”

“Maybe a little bit,” I say as she throws a chip at me. “I’m kidding! ”

“That was an interesting night,” Ella says, a blush creeping up her cheeks. “Even now, I would still swing that bat at him. He still pisses me off, but I can’t imagine not loving him as much as I do now. God, how everything has changed. It’s making my heart want to explode.”

“Mine too,” I say as I grab another tissue. “It’s weird thinking about how things have changed but also kind of stayed the same.”

“That’s what growing up feels like.” Paige smiles sadly to herself. “I used to wish I was an adult when I was a kid, but now that we’re here, I wish it would calm down a little. I know we’re all still in our twenties, but for some reason, it feels like our lives are almost over.”

“They’re not, though,” Hads reminds us. “We have so much time to change, to grow, to experience all the beautiful and terrifying things life has to offer. And the best part is, we get to experience it all together. That’s the best gift this life has brought us, at least in my opinion.”

“Agreed,” I say as I raise my water bottle, the rest of them following suit. “One final toast between the four of us. To the tiny classroom where this all started, and to the lives we made together.”

We clink our water bottles together, and for the rest of the night, we’re just four girls who happened to find one another at a small campus in Virginia.

Everything is going to be fine , I remind myself. As long as I have these girls, how could it not? As we all fall asleep on the floor of this hotel suite, I’m blasted with a wave of not wanting to miss out on these moments right now.

I can't keep living in the past, wishing I did things differently. I have to live here and now, because one day, this will all be a distant memory. I don’t want to waste these moments thinking about what could have been. I want to live them with my best friends.

As my eyes flutter shut, I make a promise to myself to only look forward, because past me got me to where I am now, and I should be thanking her for finding her way back home to these girls. Through the struggle, through it all, I’ve come out stronger than I ever knew I was capable of.

Thank you. I forgive you , I say in my mind as I finally drift off to sleep, dreaming of sand between my feet and ocean waves in the background.